Arranging
I have always liked the phrase, "a marriage has been arranged." When I feel like getting married, I'll arrange one." --Flora Post, Cold Comfort Farm
In the film Cold Comfort Farm, Flora Post is a master of management, adhering always to the thick volume, The Higher Common Sense. So, when she tells her new man, Charles, that when she feels like it she'll arrange a marriage for herself, we have perfect confidence in her power to bring this about.
But, looking at the meanderings of this blog, I suspect we (men and women) have little or no faith in our own powers to bring love and then marriage into our lives. We always talk about it like I suspect ancient Greeks talked about the caprice of the gods. "If it happens for me..." "Maybe if I suffocate a toad at midnight, I'll meet him this year..."
Considering that most everyone I know practices this kind of mental relationship voodoo, I was surprised to discover that there are strange communities of people, like members of Judaism, who still practice arranged marriages, but with a modern edge: after an introduction by parents (based on the goal of a possible marriage) they date, they get to know each other, the decision rests with the couple, etc. But, reading their stories, I'm astonished at how calm they are about the whole procedure! Where are the mixed signals? The reading of tea leaves and horoscopes to understand what in the world he (she) is thinking?
I think arranged marriages would make everyone happier. For men, the process would have that goal-driven bent that we know gives them a project and, more importantly, results. And women would no longer be left feeling crazy when all of a sudden, for the third time this year, another guy suddenly turns cold or disappears.
Thoughts?
posted by Marianne @ 7:15 AM
5 Comments:
At 8:58 AM, February 26, 2008,
Sarah said…
As I kind of alluded in some of my previous comments on the issue of "settling," I would love arranged marriage to come back full force. Lots of factors make it reasonable -- if your family picks the potential mate, you've already leapt the "I hate your boyfriend" hurdle that so many couples undergo, and you take away the looming stress of Meeting the Parents. Further, if your folks approve of the guy (sorry, I can't keep this gender neutral; guys can speak for themselves), and they have your best interests at heart as parents should, then you know he's got the baseline qualities that you're looking for -- a solid, responsible, good citizen (my parents wouldn't be picking a punk out of the street crowds and saying, "Yeah, you should give this one a shot, he's really got potential"). Plus the possibility of marriage is inescapably right there, and so the guys your parents would select wouldn't be freaking out and running at the idea of a relationship "getting serious."
But how does such a movement come back? Those lucky Jewish folks have never let go of the custom, so they don't have the difficulty that we'd face trying to bring an older practice back into play. Do we attempt a modern twist and ask our parents to start surfing on our behalf, as we've mentioned a few times over the past few years? And how do we overcome the challenge of distance, since we tend to live quite far from our parents' protective wings?
At 1:21 AM, February 27, 2008,
David said…
So very much no.
There's too many problems with this concept of applying an old formula to our modern way of life. Sarah started on them. I will continue.
A lot of families are not as close-knit or well structured for this like the traditional Jewish family is. Half of our families have seen divorce. Many of us don't have the benefit of Christian parents. Some of us may have a different Christianity than that of our parents.
The fact is, at 29 years of age, I've been single a lot longer than my parents ever were, and I've not lived with them in almost a dozen years. I know me a lot better than they know me. I know what I am looking for a lot better than they do. And, with all due respect to their years and wisdom, I believe I also know what is better for me than they ever will (even if I'm not always prone to pick what is better for me).
If people (my parents, siblings, friends, etc.) want to introduce me to someone, great. That's an introduction. Its not an arranged marriage. Frankly what these Jewish kids are doing sounds more like the former.
We've built a society centered around independence and self-sufficiency. We shouldn't throw family values to the wind, but we should operate with due respect to the ways we have to apply them to the world we now live in. Bringing back the arranged marriage is the opposite of that.
People say that you marry someone's family, and I see the validity in that statement, but I also see the waning of its truth. If I ever marry, given my life decisions, work, proximity to my family, global mobility, etc. - these days the person is much more marrying me than marrying the family.
And I think its an important step for a young adult to make a life decision as big as marriage, on their own. Its developmental, and not just for the young adult, but for their family as well. The family has to accept the fact that this once-child is no longer that, they have to accept the decisions this person is making, even if they don't like them.
I'm all for Biblical approaches to family and marriage, heck, I still see any father's primary responsibility to his daughter being to love and protect her until he should decide to give that duty to a worthy young man. But we have to make Biblical principles applicable to our time.
And arranged marriages can at the very *most* be called principles - I know of nowhere in the Bible that they are laid out as anything more than a practice that was observed, not beholding to any rule of law.
At 5:33 AM, February 27, 2008,
Marianne said…
Yes, David, of course they aren't "Biblical." Nowhere did I say that the practice is Biblical. I'm using my God-given good sense and this forum to raise the question: can we change the system by innovation?
I think it's interesting that while you, at 29, are an independent man who knows better for himself than his parents ever could, you make the following claim about women's relationship to their fathers:
I still see any father's primary responsibility to his daughter being to love and protect her until he should decide to give that duty to a worthy young man.
I think you're right, and I want to know: how should women and their families approach dating/relationships so that this "giving" of the daughter is any more than an empty gesture?
Also, I suppose other people must have stunningly un-intrusive families. My mom emails my boyfriend, and his mom is my facebook friend and emails me from time to time. I think this level of family involvement is good as, whether we like it or not, these are the people who know us best (and I moved away at 18 and also frequently spend months overseas).
You're right, David, that the system I'm putting forward is not the antiquated notion of arranged marriage (no sheep are exchanged for the bride). But, in a dating world so full of heartache (and I mean the secular world as well as the Christian), why shouldn't we ask, "Can we do this better?"
At 6:33 AM, February 27, 2008,
David said…
Nowhere did I say that you said they were Biblical. I was just making the point that its not in the Book other than anecdotally. As far as innovation - sure, I'm all for it. Reverting to something that was meant for another age isn't the equivalent of innovation, however.
The claim I made was every bit as much about the fathers' relationships with their daughters as it was the opposite, which you spoke to, for the record - if that makes any sense. That said, I think the answer to your question is what you alluded to: innovation. It doesn't mean that the girl should only date guys that dad found for her. I think that has inherent and rather evident problems. I think innovation is more along the lines of a young woman being encouraged (by her family, church, the guy she's dating, etc.) to promote a direct relationship between her father and the potential suitor. I don't think there's enough of that. I also think that innovation needs the same community-support for the fathers, to encourage them to see the mentoring responsibilities to them in that position, with the young man. And support for the young man to be proactive and humble in that position. Those are just ideas off the top of my head, but none of them in any way need to involve the idea of arranged marriages.
You're right: other people must have stunningly (to you) unintrusive families. This probably is a bad thing. But not everybody has as great a family as you. This is one of the first points I already tried to make. Please don't assume that because you have a family that's kind enough to be intrusive in a good way, that other people have that same head start. Many don't. Extrapolate that to the idea of arranged marriages and you have nuclear meltdown on your hands.
Its good for us to ask the question of how better to approach this, I agree. Arranged marriages is not the answer to that question.
But I'm glad we're pushing the question anyway.
At 11:31 AM, February 27, 2008,
Anna S said…
Just a clarification: our introduction wasn't arranged by any of our parents. On the contrary, I wish they had been *more* involved!
Post a Comment
<< Home