Step 1: Admitting you have a problem

This entry is somewhat difficult to write, because I don't like to publicly talk about really personal items. On the other hand I'm trying to be honest with myself - and that means to everyone. Some of this is inspiration from my high school friend Melissa. She really lays out EVERYTHING about herself in her blog. No censorship, just the truth and all of it - even if it's brutal. Like Marianne, I too, am suffering from a "singleness funk." There is also a situation in my own life that I'm struggling with and have been unsure of how to handle. I have feelings for someone, and it's pretty obvious that those feelings aren't mutual. I SO want to move on, but that little part of me keeps saying, "Maybe there's hope. Don't miss your chance." But I know that I need to move on... I just haven't been able to.
Please keep me (and other young women like) in your prayers. Lately, I feel like my attitude toward my current situation in life is really poor. It's been about four years since my one and only romantic relationship, and for the 18 years before that I'd never even gone on a date. In ever instance that I've been interested in someone, things don't fare well. Okay, HORRIBLE. Literally, I have enough bizarre, ironic tales to fill up several books you'd find in the dating/self help section of Barnes & Noble. One time I met a guy for coffee, and they ended up ditching me for the girlfriend I brought with me as a buffer zone. My ex-boyfriend, I really should have broken up with him a few weeks into the relationship when I found another girl sitting in his lap. Then there was the one I thought was so amazing and cool who turned out to be creepy had been engaged to a twice-divorced OLD woman. (He also had dated his 40 year old Bible study leader, but that's another story) Let's also not forget the first guy I got to know in college. After becoming friends, everyone thought we were dating for awhile. I thought it would only be a matter of time before we were "an item." But we never dated, he just dated every girl I knew except for me.
As you can see I have not had very successful personal life in my 23 years of existing on this Earth. It's time like this when I think I will never meet anyone, love anyone, share myself with anyone. And frankly, it sucks. Why do guys flock to girls who are either 1) complete bitches who will step all over them and wipe them away like gum on the bottom of their stilettos or 2) nice girls who are totally uninteresting. This is a widespread epidemic. I know all of these guys, and I know all of those types of girls (they all have boyfriends). Yet the really amazing women always seem to go unnoticed.
My friend Margy is a great example of a wonderful young lady. She is gorgeous, smart, a strong Christian, hilarious, and tons of fun - the ultimate in "cool girls." Why is she going home alone every night? You want me to name names? I will! Jillian, Melissa, Danielle, Marianne, Kelly, Shauna, Lauren, Susan, Sarah, Kristy, Mindy, Corinne, Jade, Annie, Margy, Megan. Those are just off the top of my head. Guys who are reading, take note! These are the kind of women you should be dreaming of. Not the ones you keep going after.
I'm embarrassed to tell anybody what I really want. It's rare that I talk much about a guy if I'm really interested in him. He usually never knows, and we're usually friends. A small part of me thinks that if it's meant to be, he'll be drawn to me and will take the lead. So when that doesn't happen, I make excuses. You've probably all done this, too. "He doesn't realize that I like him, because if he did we'd be together." The truth is, that if he was at all into us - he'd make it clear. Yes, that concept is from He's Just Not That Into You. But I think that Greg Behrendt and Liz Truccolo were right in this instance. I'm not sure what to do. I don't really think I should be asking guys out, and pursuing them. Biblically, God made us all a certain way. He gave the leadership role to the dudes, and I understand that. But the guys out there, especially Christian men - just aren't asking me out.
To make a long story short, I want the whole package... the soulmate, the family, the love. Is that so wrong? We women can't change the way we were hard-wired. If you watch movies set in different time periods, love is almost always one of the bigger plotlines. Jane Austen films have lines like "You need to find a respectable husband who makes at least five thousand pounds a year." And here we are, hundreds of years later. We have high-paying jobs, houses, cars, freedom, independence, birth control, friends, night clubs, education, $500 strappy sandals, and artificial insemination. Of course, we still all want the same thing women without all those things have wanted since the beginning of time.. to love and be loved.
There are days like today, where I think I'm an involuntary 23 year old spinster. And I get pissed off. At all the guys that didn't like me back, and at the awful girls they chose instead of me. It almost feels like an insult. Am I an untouchable?
Everybody tells me that I am an extremely cool girl and friend, but I have a hard time believing it. Sure I'm a great person, but am I appreciated? Doesn't feel like it. So as a result, I'm not exactly what you'd call "confident."
But here goes. I'm a God-fearing, intelligent, engagingly fascinating, funny, witty, beautiful, nice, loyal, patient, passionate, ambitious, socially advanced, ethical, fiscally responsible woman. Great job, homeowner, no prison record, disease free, well-kept, well-dressed, classy. I can hang out with the guys and have a great time playing poker, video games, skiing, hiking, watching the game. I can hang out with other girls and bake cookies, make dinner, paint my nails, go shopping, babysit, dance the night away. I can install a new computer hard drive all by myself, or sit and listen to a friend's problem and offer advice. Although I love my career and hope to be successful, I'd change directions in a heartbeat if it was directed by my Lord. I make time for things that are important to me. I (so I've been told) have a good singing voice, but I rarely let anyone hear it. I'm the kind of person you want on your Trivial Pursuit team, and I scored a 1410 on my SAT's.
I encourage you all to tell the world how cool you really are. And believe it, because it's true. To all of you reading this (ladies AND gentlemen)... you are REQUIRED by ME to "comment" on this post with five fantastic qualities about yourself. So get started!