The one thing I really didn't appreciate about the Atlantic article and the various discussions regarding it that I was privvy to (ours being only the latest, and I'd like to point out, for the record, that it was some other david commenting in that thread, not myself), was the general but mostly unspoken theme that the "settling" issue is germane to the fairer sex.
That was a long sentence.
Anyway, I wrote this question a while back and got some really good response. It encouraged me to keep my standards high, and never settle. As one responder put it, if the word 'settle' ever comes up, its not the right person.
I thought perhaps you might enjoy reading it. In the meantime, I'll sit here and wonder why this issue is one that people think only women struggle with, and I'll do so with due regard to the irony of framing the issue in this particular venue.
That was a long sentence.
Anyway, I wrote this question a while back and got some really good response. It encouraged me to keep my standards high, and never settle. As one responder put it, if the word 'settle' ever comes up, its not the right person.
I thought perhaps you might enjoy reading it. In the meantime, I'll sit here and wonder why this issue is one that people think only women struggle with, and I'll do so with due regard to the irony of framing the issue in this particular venue.
posted by David @ 3:16 AM
5 Comments:
At 6:46 AM, February 25, 2008,
none said…
Well, on one hand, we're mostly women here, so we're speaking to our own perspectives (but I'm sure you realize that). Further, the trend I see is that it is more common for men to date younger women and women who are generally considered more attractive. In Christian circles, there are fewer men overall, so simply in terms of numbers, they sort of have their pick. The overall effect that I've seen is that women are more likely to face the decision of settling, whereas men do not. But perhaps that's just anecdotal.
At 7:20 AM, February 25, 2008,
The Prufroquette said…
Kinda with you there, SG. The gal commenting on your thread, David, who married a man 8 years younger, goes a bit against the standard norm (and good for her); usually men tend to age like wine, while women tend to age like bread. Plus, men stay fertile their whole lives, and women have a reproductive deadline. Then too there's the fact that women's beauty fades naturally, and the closer to the deadline, the harder to attract a mate (in general terms).
So while men might have a sort of deadline in their heads -- the age they'd like to retire, when they'd like their children to be at least in college, etc. -- it's more likely to be a paper deadline; I imagine women think about settling not so much in terms of idealism, as men seem to do -- she doesn't match up to my dream girl/she she doesn't set off the spark -- but in terms of pragmatism -- if I want to bear my OWN children, what are my options the older I get, and how important are a lot of these ideals of romance?
A man can get married at fifty and still sire his own biological offspring, if he marries a young enough women (which happens, it seems, frequently); but even when the tables are reversed and a fifty-year-old woman marries a much younger man, the chances of her bearing her own offspring are extremely small. Men are fortunate in not having that sort of hard-line biological clock; they might have different kinds of clocks, particularly that deal with finances, and they might get beer guts and bald spots and not look QUITE as attractive as they did at thirty, but they're still ABLE to reproduce. Women aren't that lucky, and so I think "settling" can be a more consuming question, when the thought occurs.
But as SG said, this is all from a woman's perspective, and not meant to say that guys' clocks are less important. Just that there's a much more certain cut-off point, not for love and happiness, but for natural family.
My boss, the quintessential man (he says that his wife IS his feminine side), has told me many times that, from his experiences and observations, men are far more romantic than women. He says that men look for very simple things in a mate: loyalty, company, good sex, and good food; and then men tend to romanticize much more frequently. Women look at things from a far more pragmatic angle when they scrutinize a man for his potentiality as a mate: financial stability, financial responsibility, integrity, and the qualities that make for a good father.
Interesting stuff. But I didn't say it. I just happen, mostly, to agree. Especially from what I've seen in the law office of the divorces that come through. Most of the time it's the man who's heartbroken, and the woman who's bitter but matter-of-fact. Weird stuff.
At 4:23 PM, February 25, 2008,
Babba-Gi said…
My advice when at a party is to "go ugly early" I guess that means I'm lowering my standards.
At 4:42 PM, February 25, 2008,
Nic said…
Sarah - I think you said it beautifully, it's the biological clock that causes a lot of women to panic and consider settling.
[I had a male friend tell me that I should look into freezing my eggs. I was SO offended, while at the same time, recognising that maybe there's some sense in that. If I don't want to settle, maybe I should take practical measures if I desire children?] Which also makes it a question of what's more important: A husband who is 'right for me' (i.e. not settling) versus the opportunity to have children?
---
David - I read your original question and want to comment on that. You mentioned meeting one person who you could see yourself marrying, only for various reasons, it didn't work out. I have a very similar story. I've had dating relationships both before and after that one person, and I deliberately don't compare to him.
However... he was the only man I've ever wanted to marry. The conversations we used to have were like nothing else I've ever experienced. There were feelings of 'rightness' and compatibility: sure, he had his faults, sure, he did things that bugged me (as I'm sure I did things that annoyed him!) but even 2 years after we first met I would have moved the world for him.
And THAT is what I'm looking for again. Not someone who is 'good enough', but someone I don't want to live without. :)
At 5:34 PM, February 25, 2008,
Jennifer said…
I like "A 2 at 10, becomes a 10 at 2" myself
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