Blooming Out of Season
This is my very first blog post ever!
I'm feeling a bit pathetic today, so get out your teeny tiny violins. : p
So. I'm in my late (soon to be later) thirties. I've been on maybe three dates in my life time(!). I guess this makes me quite unique. : ) Anyway, up to last year I was utterly and totally convinced that I was, well, totally ungorgeous. Okay, ugly. I just didn't think any man could possibly be interested in ME in that way.. not me...in reality... at least, not any sane man. Once in a great while, I seemed to sense that someone WAS a bit interested and it would really frighten me and I'd think "what is wrong with him? yikes!". It was sorta like that old Groucho quote "I would never want to join a club that would accept me as a member".
So, last year, stuff happened that helped to challenge this entrenched perception. It was a combination of a lot of things, including, well, weight loss, actually STAYING on my anti-depressent medication (this is a really really good idea : )), starting to excerise regularly, God stuff and just simply the ongoing maturation process (which is a Gold led thing too). I now know that I was never horribly ugly, just unkempt, and my depression and severe anxiety just really scewered my perception of everything, which is a bummer. I missed out on so much. Also, it helped that there was this guy at work who I liked and who was just really flirty and stuff with me. He's just like that with everyone, but suddenly, I started to actually feel attractive. Me? That was just really weird..in a good way.
So, well, a year later the weight has come back, but I still feel a little like I've finally 'blossomed' at the age of 36 in the way that many woman do as teenagers. Its not that I suddenly became beautiful, but that I can perceive my potential to be beautiful in someone elses eyes.
Okay. So... here we go. I'm now 37, discovered that I'm not hideous. And now what? I think the dearth of single Christian men has been discussed at length here. : P I feel like I've finally 'blossomed' but its too late to really matter; it's after the first frost and all the bees are dead. : P
Okay, actually, a big problem is that I'm looking for a cute, youngish man with hair and all the men my age are looking for a cute youngish woman with a slim waist and we just don't want to accept the reality that such expectations are a tad unrealistic as we near our 40s. A lot of life has happened since we were youngish and had hair and slim waists, and a lot of that living has included pain and rejection and suffering... whether a person is married and divorced or just perpetually single like myself. Because of the consequences of being alive in this stupid world, I think a lot of single Christian people my age are just very cautious about the whole 'romantic' thing. We are just plain scared.
Anyway, there you go.
I'm feeling a bit pathetic today, so get out your teeny tiny violins. : p
So. I'm in my late (soon to be later) thirties. I've been on maybe three dates in my life time(!). I guess this makes me quite unique. : ) Anyway, up to last year I was utterly and totally convinced that I was, well, totally ungorgeous. Okay, ugly. I just didn't think any man could possibly be interested in ME in that way.. not me...in reality... at least, not any sane man. Once in a great while, I seemed to sense that someone WAS a bit interested and it would really frighten me and I'd think "what is wrong with him? yikes!". It was sorta like that old Groucho quote "I would never want to join a club that would accept me as a member".
So, last year, stuff happened that helped to challenge this entrenched perception. It was a combination of a lot of things, including, well, weight loss, actually STAYING on my anti-depressent medication (this is a really really good idea : )), starting to excerise regularly, God stuff and just simply the ongoing maturation process (which is a Gold led thing too). I now know that I was never horribly ugly, just unkempt, and my depression and severe anxiety just really scewered my perception of everything, which is a bummer. I missed out on so much. Also, it helped that there was this guy at work who I liked and who was just really flirty and stuff with me. He's just like that with everyone, but suddenly, I started to actually feel attractive. Me? That was just really weird..in a good way.
So, well, a year later the weight has come back, but I still feel a little like I've finally 'blossomed' at the age of 36 in the way that many woman do as teenagers. Its not that I suddenly became beautiful, but that I can perceive my potential to be beautiful in someone elses eyes.
Okay. So... here we go. I'm now 37, discovered that I'm not hideous. And now what? I think the dearth of single Christian men has been discussed at length here. : P I feel like I've finally 'blossomed' but its too late to really matter; it's after the first frost and all the bees are dead. : P
Okay, actually, a big problem is that I'm looking for a cute, youngish man with hair and all the men my age are looking for a cute youngish woman with a slim waist and we just don't want to accept the reality that such expectations are a tad unrealistic as we near our 40s. A lot of life has happened since we were youngish and had hair and slim waists, and a lot of that living has included pain and rejection and suffering... whether a person is married and divorced or just perpetually single like myself. Because of the consequences of being alive in this stupid world, I think a lot of single Christian people my age are just very cautious about the whole 'romantic' thing. We are just plain scared.
Anyway, there you go.
posted by Lulubelle @ 12:02 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:34 PM, November 13, 2007,
Marianne said…
You know, it's all confidence. I'm glad you're out there taking chances for the hope of love.
At 1:42 PM, November 15, 2007,
none said…
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It can be tough not to dwell on what we consider to be "wasted time." But I think you should just focus on how you feel now, and remember that you're deserving of love and are, I'm sure, a beautiful person in many ways. And yeah, I've got no advice on finding a good single Christian man because even at 24, I'm having the same problem. But I think you've made an important first step in loving yourself.
I've made a new rule recently that every time I have a negative thought about how I look (or catch myself focusing on the appearance of others), I pray, "Lord, please help me too look, not on the outward appearance, but on the heart, as you do." I had a thought in church a few weeks ago that as I stood there, after prayer, feeling pure and redeemed that I felt beautiful in God's eyes, and that, really the epitome of beauty is allowing God's beauty to shine through you. I try to remember then when I'm having a bad hair day or gained some weight or whatever. I want to feel attractive on the outside, sure, but I should remember that outward beauty fades, and that I also need to cultivate the beauty of my soul, which, actually, has the potential to grow with time. I don't know whether your newfound confidence will translate to a better dating life (though it surely could!) but I do know how great it feels to love and like and appreciate yourself. That can only improve your relationships and make you open to making new ones.
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