Emotions

It's difficult to judge whether or not I'm an emotional person. People who know me through my art assume that I am. Most artists are, and the art itself is rather emotional, personal. Friends who know me well will tell another story. I'm incredibly open up to a point. Whatever I decide is too personal I just won't share, even if I want to. I can count on one hand the number of people who have seen me cry (people who are outside of my immediate family). My first boyfriend used to spend literally hours trying to get me to open up about things that were bothering me, how I felt, etc. And I will be eternally grateful for that, because I always wanted to tell him but felt like I couldn't. Though him I've gotten better about opening up in those situations, but I'm still bad at it. I'm ruled by my head, not my heart, though sometimes the heart wins (in which case I always end up doing something that is foolish).

But for 2-3 months, I've been much more emotional than usual. I saw a play tonight and I cried. And struggled to keep back the tears. But I made sure that no one would notice (I was dry-eyed and smiling by the time the curtain call came). Last night I went to a dance concert and was in exactly the same situation. My tears aren't caused by nothing. Usually they come about because I'm thinking about grace and realizing how badly I'm in need of it, how badly I need God. Or they come about because I see/read about joyful, requited love and wish I had it, or a relationship that is broken in some way. I feel raw.

I'm scared that I'll never find someone who loves me, someone who loves me and is right for me. I'm scared of being alone. I'm past the average marriage age, and it seems like every interesting Christian is taken. Heck, a lot of my friends (both Christian and not) are in the stage of popping out children. And the one man I'm interested in doesn't love me. I don't think he can. It hurts, though I don't know if I've really admitted that to anyone. I've talked to him four times in the last three months, and three of those encounters were accidental (we still run in the same social circles). A couple of days ago was the first time we've talked alone in ages, and we didn't talk about us. I have mixed feelings. I waver between wanting desperately to talk to him because he knows me better than anyone else in the state and wanting to stay away from him because I don't know that seeing him even in a "normal," platonic context is helpful. It doesn't make me want him more or less, but when things get difficult my first instinct is to run, and avoiding him is a form of running. I get a little irrationally angry about this whole situation sometimes. I miss my friend. I miss having someone to rely on, to talk to about silly things no one else would understand. I miss being held. I miss being around someone that really was a partner in a lot of ways. And can I be honest? I also miss the sex. I wouldn't do it again outside of marriage, especially not with anyone else, but I still miss it. Now that my sexuality has been awakened in a real way, it's hard not to want it even though it was never a struggle before.

I'm just as messed up inside as I was three months ago. It hasn't gotten any better. But experience tells me that time allows these things to fade and I just have to wait. The couple of people in the city I might be able to really talk to are too busy to hang out and probably too new anyway. I'm too used to bottling these things up to be melodramatic enough to say that talking would be important. The older friends I would talk to aren't physically here. And while they're great, it's back to that internalizing again. To pretending that everything is fine. Sometimes they draw me out, which I appreciate. Sometimes they miss it too.

In keeping with business as usual, no one knows the state I'm in. And the sad part is I don't really want to break down these walls. I hate being emotional.