does e-harmony work?

Since y'all were kind enough to let me share my experiences on this blog a while ago, I thought you deserved an update. You may recall that I felt awkward and frustrated by my persistent singleness, especially because it seemed that women were the ones who typically had that problem (or at least were more vocal about it).

I do believe strongly that Christian men should be proactive in seeking relationships, and I identify with the numerous men on Boundless who say they have tried—many times—and been rejected. My tendency is not to be too passive; rather, it is to be so assertive that I come off as abrasive and rude.

I decided a few months ago on a three-tiered strategy. First, I would attend my urban church's partner church, which is a megachurch on the north side of Indianapolis, in hopes of meeting someone. Then I would join their singles group. If that didn't work, I'd join the vast hordes of desperate singles on e-harmony (that was supposed to be funny—don't get offended!). Unfortunately, the megachurch empties 5 minutes after the service ends, and the young couple who was supposed to introduce me to people had financial problems and couldn't go out after church, as they'd proposed. They suggested that I not join the singles group; "it's a divorced middle-aged singles group," they said. So I joined e-harmony.

E-harmony has an extensive personality test, and I tried my best to be honest. The results concluded, accurately, that I care about other people, but that I don't feel sympathy for folks who aren't making an attempt to solve their own problems. But then it said that I was a rather emotional person, and that I could be described as "too sensitive." That's so inaccurate that it's absurd, even funny! What's not funny is that e-harmony used its incorrect personality profile to match me with women—specifically sensitive women.

Sure enough, one of the first matches described herself as being "much more sensitive than I appear," although she also said that she valued honesty (the one trait I most definitely have!). I stated clearly on my profile that I wasn't a sensitive guy. We started communicating, and one of the questions she asked me in the "guided communication" process was how I acted when I was angry. I took the opportunity to explain my abrasive tendencies: "I've been described as 'abrasive' and 'insensitive,'" I said, "and there is some truth to those statements." I wanted her to be clearly warned, since the last thing I wanted to do was hurt a(nother) woman by making insensitive comments to her. After making that statement, I gave her time to close the match and run far, far away, but she never did. Eventually, we got together (she lives 20 minutes away).

It was apparent after about two dates that she liked me, which I must say was a positively refreshing change! "I can see why people think you're abrasive," she said—but she told me she liked my honesty anyway. (She also likes my Southern accent, which sounds like Forrest Gump on speed.) I tried to be intentional about the friendship by spending as much time with her as my busy schedule would afford, but the relationship soon became rather awkward. I knew she wanted to date, but I thought it was wrong to date without fairly serious commitment (source: my courtship-obsessed upbringing). After discussing the matter, we realized we both were comfortable with dating with the explicit goal of getting to know each other, with no commitment beyond that. To make a long story short, I now have a girlfriend, a mere month after meeting her for the first time! And we're not doing it Josh Harris-style!

She and I do share a lot in common, since both of us are committed Christians, both are youth leaders at our churches, and both enjoy having middle-schoolers over to our respective homes. She doesn't have much background in urban outreach, although she seems very open to it and has been to my church and met "my" kids. She's also very casual and honest and real, and I deeply appreciate those qualities. She's unpretentious and says she's always wanted a financially modest lifestyle. Although she comes from a very conservative background similar to mine, I wouldn't describe her as the "ideal Christian girl," since she has (tasteful) tattoos, rides motorcycles, and listens to hard rock music. Hey, I'm loving it!

This is far from one of those e-harmony success stories you see on TV, since we are not thinking about anything serious at this point. I don't do the love-at-first-sight thing, and it will be months before we know if this is going anywhere beyond casual dating. I am so thrilled that she is my girlfriend, though, and I believe that God has worked in this situation (despite the detractors, who claimed that I wasn't trusting God to "bring your wife to you"). Now I'm just trying my best to treat her like a lady and seek God's best for both of us.