Men or Boys?
Here are two articles claiming guys are delaying their maturity in favor for video games. Agree or disagree??
http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_1_single_young_men.html
http://chronicle.com/review/brainstorm/fendrich/just-hangin-forever-dude
Personally, I love this line:
Did the liberation of our daughters mean young men would become so creepy that they’d have to go through life alone?
And this one:
In the almost half-century since the arrival of the pill, the burden of hearth and home (that is, of society’s having enough stable ones), is falling once again on young women. They’re the ones who are going to have to demand better, more mature, more responsible, yes, even more sanitary conduct on the part of the new horde of child-men before they have anything serious — especially sex — to do with them. Perhaps a mandatory study of Lysistrata, where women could learn about collective female power when sex is withheld, is in order. Otherwise, they’re condemned to trying to find suitable candidates for love and marriage amid the trash of a beer-sodden NFL pizza party.
http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_1_single_young_men.html
http://chronicle.com/review/brainstorm/fendrich/just-hangin-forever-dude
Personally, I love this line:
Did the liberation of our daughters mean young men would become so creepy that they’d have to go through life alone?
And this one:
In the almost half-century since the arrival of the pill, the burden of hearth and home (that is, of society’s having enough stable ones), is falling once again on young women. They’re the ones who are going to have to demand better, more mature, more responsible, yes, even more sanitary conduct on the part of the new horde of child-men before they have anything serious — especially sex — to do with them. Perhaps a mandatory study of Lysistrata, where women could learn about collective female power when sex is withheld, is in order. Otherwise, they’re condemned to trying to find suitable candidates for love and marriage amid the trash of a beer-sodden NFL pizza party.
Labels: guys
posted by Jennifer @ 7:06 PM
7 Comments:
At 4:46 AM, March 07, 2008,
David said…
Personally I'm delaying my maturity in favor of copious amounts of reading, a desire to help drive economic development in the 3rd world, voracious amounts of exploring the planet, and the opportunity to work with the high schoolers in my church's youth group.
I'm looking for a girl who's doing the same or similar. I don't ever plan to get old.
(also, I still don't like vast sweeping generalizations, regardless of what sex they're applied to)
(also also, "the collective female power when sex is withheld"??? are you kidding me? you do realize that its power in the sense of a weapon, not a tool, right?)
At 6:39 AM, March 07, 2008,
The Prufroquette said…
Duh. It's an effective power. It's the power that used to encourage young men to marry their girlfriends because that's the only way they could "get some." Not that women didn't enjoy (at least theoretically) sex themselves, but sex used to be a huge bargaining chip, a catalyst in the procession to the altar. Man wants sex; woman wants hearth and home, preferably overrun with babies. Marriage satisfies the desires of both at one and the same time. In many respects, it's an extremely practical, almost businesslike contract, and that's not a bad thing.
Women have really, literally, screwed themselves out of the security they used to have before the Sexual Revolution, and sacrificed almost all their power in so doing -- they've tossed all their cards on the table right at the beginning of the game, and as a result, they lose. Where women used to abstain from sex before marriage in order to get married, now they liberally distribute their bodies in the wispy hopes that the guys will therefore commit, since the gals have committed to those men physically -- a sort of "follow the leader," or "lead by example," mentality. As a strategy, it's extraordinarily stupid. And it makes it even harder for the small numbers of women who do abstain from extramarital sex, because most guys (you can call this a stereotype if you want, but I've found it true of every guy I've dated, within or without the church) will shrug and go off in search of a cow who will offer her milk for free, since the pasture is full of them.
Personally, I don't find it especially virtuous to "delay maturity" in favor of anything, however noble. Maturity doesn't mean you have to become a boring frump; it means you live responsibly, you figure out how to relate to people in wholesome ways, and you settle down, at least figuratively. You don't have to make a grab for a white picket fence if that's not your style; but at least find a suitable partner with whom to live your life. None of those things you mentioned demand your singleness in order to accomplish them. If it's simply a matter of not having met that altruistic world-traveler you're seeking, fine; but truly, a huge number of young men DO avoid maturity in favor of the latest video game, hanging with their buddies, and imbibing an astonishing volume of beer. Even the nice ones.
There are men who prove themselves exceptions to that rule, of course, but they appear to be few and far between. Given my druthers, I'd pick a guy who'd spend his Saturday mornings with a cup of coffee and a chat with me over my fabulous homemade breakfast before fixing things around the house or going out to the garage. The idea of my husband plunking himself down with said cup of coffee and picking up the video controls kind of makes my skin crawl.
The problem with men complaining that they haven't met the right person tends to be (I say tends) is that their situations are due in a large part to the fact that they aren't even looking; they're just waiting for Snow White to fall into their laps, or bump into them in the elevator. That John Mayer song I really, really hate embodies the mentality perfectly: "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." How about, I'm tired of being alone, so I'll hurry up and FIND YOU? Locking oneself in one's room to write "a love song to no one" -- or to play hours and hours of video games -- strikes me as the epitome of self-indulgent passivity. But it seems to be a popular approach. Video games in particular do nothing to encourage young men to grow up, to go after their goals, or to hone those wonderful traits that have so often been classified as "masculine" -- initiative, leadership, determination, controlled aggression, and the vigorous pursuit of goals regardless of any obstacles -- that women find incredibly attractive. Strong women in particular find these traits attractive in a mate, especially because she bears a lot of these qualities herself -- after all, now that we're so liberated, women have seized on these traits and developed them at an astronomical rate, while it seems that men have begun to give them up without even realizing that they're doing it -- and most of them are becoming increasingly passive, with little to no ambition. And a guy needs ambition in order to find himself a quality woman, and then keep her.
Sorry guys, a high score and a nimble thumb don't really catch our attention. We tend to prefer accomplishment, drive, reliability and that go-getter attitude that will help pay off the loans, get the car's fuel lines repaired, fix the leak under the sink and save for college funds and retirement.
At 12:49 PM, March 07, 2008,
Jennifer said…
sarah, whoa! you've once again expressed my feelings that I didn't eve know I had.
At 1:45 PM, March 07, 2008,
none said…
I know a lot of guys who play video games. It seems to be the past-time of choice among male med students, along with lifting weights and drinking.
I enjoy a nice game of guitar hero as much as the next person. In fact, I was up until 1am playing Rock Band Wednesday night, and it was awesome! But I think that, like anything, moderation is important. There are definitely young guys tout there who are spending the vast majority of their free time hanging around, playing video games, drinking beer, and eating nachos instead of working toward concrete goals. I don't interact with people like that, so it doesn't concern me much. But they are, I think, a sort of clear, extreme example of this idea of prolonged adolescence that men and women of our generation have been accused of. I'm loathe to apply that title to a young man who has a job, a purpose, invested interests, etc. simply because he's not married, since that describes me as well. But I do think that there is a trend among many men to "grow up" in every sense of the word except their personal lives. And that's frustrating to me as a single woman. Because while I'm not idling waiting around for a man to find me, I do believe in letting a guy take the initiative. So, here I am, in school, working, taking lessons, joining a church, living my life, and being open to meeting someone.... and...... there's no one there.
For me personally, I would be really, really happy to find a Christian man who had a global perspective and adventurous spirit and was willing to work in developing nations. That can be a framework for a kind of "settling down" as well, even if there's not white picket fence involved. I personally never wanted a white picket fence. And if he wants to play video games every once in awhile, even better. But I think the whole delayed-maturity-video-game culture is just a symbol of a larger problem. The problem is that God's design for marriage is not respected or upheld by most young people (heck, most people) in today's world, and that has trickled into Christian culture as well. And for those of us single Christian women wanting to get married, we are looking around and wondering where our equals are. Because while I know a handful of great Christian guys, most of them seem to be as anti-marriage as their non-Christian peers. Many take it a step further, and actually appear to be anti-dating. It leaves us Christian girls wondering who is gonna meet us halfway.
At 3:05 PM, March 07, 2008,
Dawn said…
A few thoughts:
- Singleness does not equal immaturity. Marriage does not equal maturity. If the reverse were true, both Jesus and Paul were immature--and I don't think any of us would make that argument.
- Sometimes guys--even though they're surrounded by women who want to get married--simply haven't found the right one yet. I have good friends for which this is currently true, even though they'd be great in a relationship and are looking for one. I think they'll find the right one eventually, but their present lack of significant other isn't due to some immaturity. Other issues, perhaps, but ones that single women could relate to as well. We'd all do well to choose our life partners carefully.
- I actually like video games and wouldn't begrudge a guy playing them. That said, most of the time there are more important (and enriching) things to do (i.e. they're great, but I barely ever play them). For that matter, Americans at least need to turn the TV off more often. Men and women.
- Don't knock science fiction (the articles do). Though Transformers really doesn't count as SF. There's very intelligent work being done in that genre.
- This may contradict an earlier point, but I have a tendency to think that most Christian guys at this stage (late 20s and up) who are single must have something wrong with them--commitment issues, for example--or they would have been snapped up already. I'll complain about this, but I wouldn't make a real argument for it since I do know exceptions.
- I'd like "hearth and home" without the kids... this has been an issue for me, since I don't have the desire for kids and can't guarantee that it will ever change. Unfortunately, the good guys seem to want kids more than a marriage per se.
- All that said, I do think a lot of men--and women--need to "grow up." (Maybe I do?) But it's fallacious to define adulthood by marriage or lack thereof. I often wonder if I'm doomed to lifelong singleness for lack of a suitable partner myself, or if the kids issue will prevent me from getting married at all.
At 4:16 PM, March 07, 2008,
Babba-Gi said…
I don't know what's happened to 21st century men. Perhaps it's all the hormones in the meat that has feminized them. The lack of desire pervades all aspects of their lives. They have no desire for women, children, home, money, career, power etc. It seems like the only men in society with ambition are gangsters, politicians and drug dealers.
Women have always been the restraining and civilizing side of humanity. Men used to become civilized to gain a wife of character that would assure the authenticity of his offspring. This is the basis of civilization. If woman have no restraint it allows men to exist in a hedonistic Peter Pan world of immaturity.
It seems that society has conspired to keep boys from becoming men. From overbearing mothers, passive or absent fathers, an effeminate limp-wristed gospel and unisex education it takes a real motivated guy not to get lost on the trail to manhood. Many who can't accept the passive role become gay. How many gay guys do you love and admire? It might be perverted, but it's still passion and desire. A real man offers a woman excitement,even danger.
You gals are in a real pickle. If the man you're dating doesn't have a strong enough sex drive to marry you for sex or a desire to extend his life through his children you're screwed. If he hasn't done it by age 35 it just becomes less probable after his testosterone levels starts to decline.
At 6:02 PM, March 09, 2008,
Nic said…
My experience is much the same as Sarah's - re: sex and power. Every boyfriend I've ever had, both within and outside the church, has pressured me for sex. When I've refused to compromise, they've gone off to find someone else who would sleep with them. (One gave me an ultimatum: "If we haven't slept together by February I am going to get it elsewhere... I can't live with this frustration.")
I think it's a little to do with, "Once you've had it, you can't give it up" (none of them were virgins). And so I feel a lot of emotions: angry at my sisters who give it for 'free' and spoiled it for me, sad for my sisters who lost their virginity in hope of marriages they didn't get, horrified that the world so casually allows sex when it means such different things to men and women.
I've never dated a virgin. I wonder if that would be different. Because in my experience, the expectation, the pressure, for sex ultimately destroys the relationship.
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