Craigslist Revisited
I posted my ad on Craigslist almost 48 hours ago, and I've gotten 76 responses thus far. The vast majority of them were well-written. A few were practically novels. But here's the problem: I don't know if I'm going to be that interested in any of them. In a romantic sense, anyway. Some of the responders sound like very cool people, and I realize that in person what I'm attracted to often differs from just a photo--but based on the photos, I don't think any of the ones who wrote decent responses are that attractive. In my subjective opinion. I emailed some of them back anyway, since some of the guys I have considered physically attractive in person I would never have dated if I'd just screened on the basis of photography. But there you have it.
The other disappointing thing is that even though I got a million emails, many (most?) of them don't seem to match even the criteria in my post (in summary):
- A committed Christian who agrees that the vast majority of so-called Christian music sucks.
- Loves to read.
- Enjoys intellectual conversation, banter, and debates.
- Enjoys travel.
- Has a deep appreciation for the arts.
- Is chivalrous and understands that even strong women appreciate it when someone takes care of them, even if they'd be reluctant to admit it.
- Doesn't smoke, and is at least 5'9". (A little taller than me.)
So I guess I'm disappointed, though I wasn't hoping for that much. You'd be surprised how many guys who say they aren't Christians or are just spiritual responded. But to have so many emails and still figure that I'm unlikely to want to really date them is kind of sad. Maybe things will play out differently than I imagine. One or a few of them could have charisma in person that doesn't come out in a photo. But why is it so hard to find the combination of intellectual, personable, and physical attractiveness that I long for?
The other disappointing thing is that even though I got a million emails, many (most?) of them don't seem to match even the criteria in my post (in summary):
- A committed Christian who agrees that the vast majority of so-called Christian music sucks.
- Loves to read.
- Enjoys intellectual conversation, banter, and debates.
- Enjoys travel.
- Has a deep appreciation for the arts.
- Is chivalrous and understands that even strong women appreciate it when someone takes care of them, even if they'd be reluctant to admit it.
- Doesn't smoke, and is at least 5'9". (A little taller than me.)
So I guess I'm disappointed, though I wasn't hoping for that much. You'd be surprised how many guys who say they aren't Christians or are just spiritual responded. But to have so many emails and still figure that I'm unlikely to want to really date them is kind of sad. Maybe things will play out differently than I imagine. One or a few of them could have charisma in person that doesn't come out in a photo. But why is it so hard to find the combination of intellectual, personable, and physical attractiveness that I long for?
posted by UrgentSound @ 10:58 PM
6 Comments:
At 7:31 AM, February 01, 2007,
James said…
Why is it so hard to find the combination of intellectual, personable, and physical attractiveness that you long for? Are you serious? You're looking on Craigslist.
I really thought about your last two entries that both relate to your post on Craigslist. As I read this one though, I felt irritated. I know I sound mean, but what committed Christian who agrees that the vast majority of so-called Christian music sucks, who loves to read, who loves intellectual conversation, who loves to travel, who has a deep appreciation for the arts, who is chivalrous et al, who doesn't smoke, and who is at least 5'-9" is cruising Craigslist looking for someone who has a list of what they are looking for? Sure, we all have things that we look for in another person. I have them too! But what if some guy hates to read, but fits every other one of your many, many make-or-break points on your list? What if he's 5'-7"?
How would women respond to such a list posted by a man? They would cringe. Why? Because they know that they couldn't live up to every single line on this list and they would be terrified. What makes men different?
Perhaps your foray into Craigslist and the online dating world is a bit of a joke. But perhaps you need to consider what you're demanding, whether online or in person. As a man, reading your list makes me want to run in the opposite direction.
At 9:02 AM, February 01, 2007,
Marianne said…
Amen, brother!
We've discussed "the ideal" list before on fab females, and we've mostly found that the list is a deterrent to finding a nice, good man.
At 9:21 AM, February 01, 2007,
Dawn said…
Hmm. I can personally understand the reading thing--few people (men and women) that I find interesting don't read, or didn't at least consume books when they were younger, if not now.
We could debate the merits of the List, but isn't that what people do in online dating? I haven't done much of it myself, but it seems like people always post long lists of what they want in conjunction with some interesting bits (in the good profiles anyway) about who they are. Men do it just as much as women. I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing, as cringe-inducing as it might be at first glance--maybe it's reasonably effective at screening out people who will be interesting in a way that you can't do in person because it would often be faux pas. Then again, maybe it's not helpful because you have no chance to see whether any other attributes could come into play that would negate factors on the List.
James, I agree with you on the point about trying to find that on Craigslist though. With the kind of things people write there, I'd be surprised to find many quality people willing to respond at all.
At 1:18 PM, February 01, 2007,
The Prufroquette said…
Sometimes you do get what you pay for.
As for Lists...I think it's unrealistic to sport a long one in your head and hold it up to every person that you meet; but I've found in my intial forays into eHarmony that sometimes things you think you can negotiate, you can't.
Vocabulary, for example. One of my matches asked me if my use of the word "omnipotent" in my description of God on my profile were just a "big word" I use because I'm in the legal field, or if I really meant that "God is my all." Which is not the definition of omnipotent.
That's happened before -- guys appearing to feel intimidated by my "big words," and I've come to expect their use of that phrase to signify the doom of the relationship. And it's not like I show it off; it's how I naturally speak, with complicated syntax and extensive vocabulary, much like how I write. This eHarmony match asked another question, and seemed to be encouraging me not to try to impress him, but to "be myself." Which of course puts me on the defensive, because, well, friend, that IS myself.
And it's not like he has to be a big reader; my sister's fiance doesn't read much and she does, but he likes to listen to her read aloud, and is always interested in learning the words she uses. But he's open to it, which is why it works.
So while measuring a guy up to each and every ideal standard you have in your head might not find you anyone, chucking a list altogether is equally futile, because you'll find yourself unable to live with some differences no matter how open-minded you try to be.
It's a question of balance, like everything else in life. What really matters is the actual person, and while I'm doing the online thing, I'd much rather meet someone in person, because nothing compares to a physical presence. And when we meet the right person, all of our ideas and checklists will go sailing out the window. It won't matter if s/he likes the same music, movies, books, or food as we do; it'll just be him/herself. And that will be grand.
At 6:05 AM, February 02, 2007,
Adam the V said…
I hear you james. As a Christian male who has posted on CraigsList before...it's not exactly a hotbed of cute, intellectual Christians (girls or guys). Of the three times I've posted on the List over the last three years, I think the most responses I've gotten is 4ish. I think it's mainly due to the fact that there is a roughly 7 to 1 ratio of men to women posting.
All of that being said, I don't think CraigsList is completely useless. Especially if you're in a career or place in your life like me where you don't meet other Christians, it could be an alternate route. I have many friends that have dated wonderful women from CraigsList, and two friends who met their now-fiancé on eHarmony.
On the subject of lists...I have to disagree with you somewhat James - this list isn't as bad as some I've seen. I think lists help narrow the type of guy you're looking for (you would have gotten 300 responses without it) but it's important to take chances outside of your expectations. My actress mother married my engineer father and 30 years later they still don't have many “mutual interests”...but their love is beyond cultural similarities.
Of course - I'm a little biased in all of this...I'm one of the men that responded to your post :) You should email me back - if nothing else we'll have an awesome, intellectual conversation about books.
At 3:27 PM, February 02, 2007,
The Prufroquette said…
Dude, this is hilarious. And it's confirming my suspicions that all the guys we write about are reading everything we say.
Anonymity never lasts. This blog started out with five people and no audience, and now look! Prolific posting about the world's most controversial topic (the relationships between men and women) apparently racks up the hits.
Which is great! And I'm glad the guys who read this are starting to tell us that they are -- to help us know that we're not wishing and ranting and wondering and thinking unnoticed. But now writing honestly about real people is becoming more an act of courage than a means of letting off steam. (I think it's worth it. Obviously the gentlemen who have been commenting lately aren't bothered by what we say. It's just a surprising way to come face to face with truth.)
But still, the temptation to make stuff up and keep silent about what's really happening is increasing. :)
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