dazed and confused

By way of introduction, I am the Christian guy referenced in the first paragraph of the post below ("first comes love, but then what?"), and I have been reading this blog for the last several months. I've hesitated to post, since I thought my comments would be divisive, but la persona herself suggested that I introduce myself here. (BTW, she is the only one of the fabulous females whom I've met, and she initially told me about this blog several months ago.)

I am now 24. Not only am I single, but I have never had a girlfriend. I grew up in an extremely isolated, ultra-conservative home-schooling family, where even my Steven Curtis Chapman contraband CDs were declared "evil" and confiscated. My parents were so paranoid that they made me sign a contract before I went to college stipulating that I would not date or court (or even touch) anyone while there. That was enormously stressful and put a wedge in our relationship which persists to this day. The only honorable thing to do, I reasoned, was to keep my word but to escape college as soon as possible; I graduated in three years. I went to grad school the next two years and currently work as an engineer in Columbus, Indiana.

I am very passionate about urban outreach, and outreach in general. I'm deeply troubled by the seeming selfishness of the church—so eager to build expensive buildings, live in nice houses, and lead comfortable and safe lives, but so unwilling to sacrifice (really sacrifice, until it hurts) for those who are forgotten and lost. How can we live our cushy lives in America and be so oblivious to those rotting in inner cities and dying in third-world countries? It's even worse when we sit around and argue about theology and pretend that we are so much better and more spiritual than the "riffraff" in the streets.

When I lived in Atlanta and Boston, I was heavily involved in urban outreach, first with my church and then with a one-on-one mentoring program. Now I live in a modest house in inner-city Indianapolis, and I spend most of my free time working with teens who are from broken families and entrenched in poverty. I drive an old but reliable car and have no intentions to upgrade. Don't get me wrong—I have a very comfortable life, but it's just not the typical middle-class existence, and it is certainly not typical for graduates of my alma maters. My story is on my blog, which is best read from the oldest post to the most recent, although a recent entry describes a unique challenge of my single status. I also have a personal website, which hasn't been updated in nearly a year (apologies); I'm including it as a picture so Google's bots can't access it:

When women see me as a financially secure man who can support their dreams of an idyllic life in the 'burbs, I run the other way. I'm not judging them for their dreams, but I personally am not going to have that life, and any prospectives deserve to know that up front. I want a woman who does not have to change who she is, or what her passions are, to be with me. I liked Miss persona in part because she seemed to be not only willing but excited about such a lifestyle. No one is perfect, of course, but her actions did say something important about her heart.

This marks the third time I have seriously tried to initiate a relationship ("serious" owing to the months of preparation and perhaps unwise emotional entanglement each involved), and it is the third time I have been rejected. All three rejections occurred without so much as a first date; evidently my non-eligibility is obvious from a distance. This is the first time, however, that I have learned why.

It may not be as apparent online as it is in person that she and I have dramatically different personalities. If I were to describe myself in three words, they would be intense, honest, and earnest. I've never been one to shy away from conflict, and sometimes I initiate it. Perhaps as a result, I am not a sensitive or kind person. Hard though it may be to believe, I actually do try to be sensitive, but it's always a conscious and imperfect effort and will never flow naturally from my personality.

Months ago, I hesitated to pursue anything more with her because I knew the personality difference would be difficult at the very least. However, since many successful relationships involve contrasting personalities, I thought it was something we could work through. I thought that the most important requirements were a common faith and common life goals. I thought that if we built a solid friendship on that basis, it could naturally grow into something more. Without going into all the details, it has now become quite evident that I was mistaken—shared goals alone are not enough to sustain this type of relationship; it is also necessary to have compatible personalities and better chemistry. Oh yeah, and I just need to be "nicer."

Describing this experience as difficult would be an understatement, but it's not productive to complain. It's strangely comforting to be assured that she would never have been happy to be with me regardless of how hard I tried. My insensitive personality would never have allowed it, and I simply can't change that. I must believe that it will work out for the best, and I hope she has gotten something good out of an experience that has been very painful for her.

Looking forward, it is difficult to be excited about the dating scene. I feel like I am very ill equipped to be a romantic boyfriend or husband, as my track record so amply demonstrates. And I don't have any idea how to learn. If I'm trying to dance or box or some other new activity, I am shown certain moves which I repeat mechanically at first. Usually I make mistakes over and over again, as I'm a rather slow learner. I become natural only after a great deal of practice. But when it comes to dating, I'm expected to be a world-class performer on the first try, or I lose my chance.

For example, I know intellectually that women want to be pursued. I have learned that they want be pursued teasingly, gently, deftly, but I have no idea how to do that. My first attempts at "pursuit" resemble my moves on the dance floor—I'm clumsy, overbearing, and step on my partners' toes (and feelings). No woman wants that. I don't know how to get better without practice, but as time slips by, I seem to get only worse. I don't want to become an old bachelor engineer.

It's not for lack of trying. I've really tried to be attentive, and I've put a premium on respecting women. But I wonder if they mistake respect for timidity. For whatever it's worth, I read Pride and Prejudice to try to understand women's perspective on romance, but I'm afraid I didn't really understand it. Darcy seems to be sort of aloof and contentious, as I am, but women actually like him. I read Boundless, which is frustrating because it's a continual tirade against men who allegedly don't have the guts to ask women out. I've read other books and talked to many people, but talking about dating doesn't make me a boyfriend any more than talking about dancing would make me an expert dancer. Then after all that, I hear that my real problem is that I'm trying too hard. What the...?!

I feel awkward posting these thoughts here because the gist of this blog is that women never get asked out. Perhaps it's a small comfort that some men can't seem to make anything happen either.

As far as my future plans are concerned, I think the consensus of the Fabulous Females and Boundless editors and other Christians is that as a guy, I owe it to the human race to be dating as often as possible. And I'm trying to. There's an urban youth workers' conference coming up in Indianapolis, and I've got my fingers crossed (yeah, I know, ulterior motives). My church is a small urban church a mile from my home (which has no single women my age), and it is partnered with a megachurch in the suburbs. Megachurches in suburbs aren't my style, but I'm thinking about attending on Saturday nights so I can meet women. I can't believe I'm even thinking about that, because I always derided guys who went to church to meet women. But at least I'm very involved in my own church, so I'm not being a fake Christian. I may join the singles group at the megachurch, although I've heard scary things about singles groups (especially when they advertise free child care). I'm even planning to join e-harmony if nothing happens. I must confess that this type of dating is no fun... I'm pursuing an abstraction rather than a person. But maybe I'll learn how to do it right so I'll be more prepared next time.

Once again, I hope this post has been slightly helpful to you ladies. You're not the only ones who find yourselves alone. If it is not helpful, let me know.