Great Expectations
The logistics of my date could have gone better. Saturday night we went out for Indian food and music. The Indian restaurant was incredibly crowded - I felt like we were sharing our table with couples on both sides of us. The only available table was right next to the door, so we were subjected to sub-zero blasts of frigid wind every time it was opened. We ate our meal with our coats on.
After dinner I discovered that sometimes bands can be flaky. Who'd have thought? There were three bands that night scheduled at Martyrs - and the band listed as first on their website starting at 9:30 was a bluegrass band I knew she'd like, and it would be a bit quieter music so we could chat. When we got there, however, the drum set and electric guitars being set up onstage didn't look very down-homey. It turns out the band we wanted to see had switched to the 1:30 am slot. So we spent the next two hours getting our eardrums blown out by a "psychedelic groove" band, and hardly a word exchanged between us. They were actually pretty good - but it didn't let me accomplish what I wanted to do, which was get to know this girl better.
So all that aside, the date was a little less than I was expecting. This girl, let's call her Sue, is sweet, empathetic, kind, beautiful, and.....boring. What I took to be a feminine mysteriousness could just be dullness. But I'm not sure - perhaps she was just reserved, or perhaps she's just a reserved person in general. It came across that she's not all that into me - but maybe I just wasn't reading her right because I don't know her well enough. Ladies - here's a case of a guy scratching his head over confusing signals.
This also brings up the whole expectations debate. Just because she didn't live up to this ideal construct in my head, I'm disappointed. I've talked to numerous couples, however - including my parents, who said if they had quit at a less-than-great first date they wouldn't have the wonderful relationship they have. Or - I wouldn't be here :)
Has anyone else experienced the first-date blues, followed by something better?
After dinner I discovered that sometimes bands can be flaky. Who'd have thought? There were three bands that night scheduled at Martyrs - and the band listed as first on their website starting at 9:30 was a bluegrass band I knew she'd like, and it would be a bit quieter music so we could chat. When we got there, however, the drum set and electric guitars being set up onstage didn't look very down-homey. It turns out the band we wanted to see had switched to the 1:30 am slot. So we spent the next two hours getting our eardrums blown out by a "psychedelic groove" band, and hardly a word exchanged between us. They were actually pretty good - but it didn't let me accomplish what I wanted to do, which was get to know this girl better.
So all that aside, the date was a little less than I was expecting. This girl, let's call her Sue, is sweet, empathetic, kind, beautiful, and.....boring. What I took to be a feminine mysteriousness could just be dullness. But I'm not sure - perhaps she was just reserved, or perhaps she's just a reserved person in general. It came across that she's not all that into me - but maybe I just wasn't reading her right because I don't know her well enough. Ladies - here's a case of a guy scratching his head over confusing signals.
This also brings up the whole expectations debate. Just because she didn't live up to this ideal construct in my head, I'm disappointed. I've talked to numerous couples, however - including my parents, who said if they had quit at a less-than-great first date they wouldn't have the wonderful relationship they have. Or - I wouldn't be here :)
Has anyone else experienced the first-date blues, followed by something better?
posted by Adam the V @ 6:12 AM
8 Comments:
At 8:40 AM, February 15, 2007,
none said…
I have definitely encountered guys who didn't have anything "wrong" with them per se, but who bored me to death, and that's definitely not attractive. But I would suggest asking her on another date because your date didn't provide you sufficient opportunity to get to know her, and of course, some really interesting people come across as boring on first impression (especially on a date) because of shyness. If she turns down a second date, then you'll know for sure she's not interested. Anyway, I'd give it another shot, considering that there weren't any huge red flags.
At 10:35 AM, February 15, 2007,
Babba-Gi said…
I've experienced first date blues, mid-date blues and blind date blues. If it sucked on the first try, it's not going to get any better. Either you had a good time or you didn't. It's not some science experiment to be analyzed. For sure don't bother your parental units with the sorry details. It wasn't the band, the food or the ambiance; it was the woman you went out with. Don't bother giving her a second chance. Like taking a multiple choice exam, you go with your first instinct. If you had fun you would walk on hot coals to see this girl again. You wouldn't have noticed the cold draft or noisy band (in fact that would have been part of the fun). A second date should be a spinal reflex not group analysis. Second dates are where you try to maintain what first attracted you to the person; not gin up some reason to like them. Maybe there just wasn't "any there, there". It is kinder to the woman also, since I'm sure she feels it is just a date and not an audition. Maybe in the future you should consider hiring an "event planner".
If my parents would have called it quits after the first date it would have saved a lot of people a lot of grief.
At 11:04 AM, February 15, 2007,
victoriacarmody said…
Mr Hopeful - i think you sound like you might enjoy the company of my housemate - her company is never boring(and she's gorgoeous)!!?!
At 11:29 AM, February 15, 2007,
Jennifer said…
I'd recommend doing something low key with Sue. An activity that will bring out her more extroverted side, maybe a small group activity with friends you both know or goofy like bowling?
At 3:18 PM, February 15, 2007,
Unknown said…
Mr. Hopeful-just to encourage you- my first date with a guy was a complete disaster and it was only a walk in a beautiful gorge on our college campus. He skipped rocks in the stream and didn't say hardly a word to me the whole time!! I was so mad. We did see each other after that. It turns out he was shy and scared to death and didn't know what to say. Once we got to know each other, it was great. We've been married 28 yrs.
At 4:02 PM, February 15, 2007,
Adam the V said…
Thanks for the comments, all.
Babb-gi, I think I'll dub you Mr. Pessimism for now; we can create a dynamic super-hero squad - though you do bring up interesting points. I especially liked the "gin up some reason to like them." I agree - and the last thing I would want to do is force something that isn't there. Let me rephrase though: I like this girl - I'm very attracted to her. I think the weirdness of the first date revolved around me having no idea how to act. We did indeed have fun with the frigid air blasts and I looked forward to seeing her at church the next morning.
Jennifer - thanks for the suggestion. There's a church retreat this weekend where we'll get to see each other more, and there's plenty of small-group social activities to get involved in. I think I'm just used to people being more demonstrative. I spend 95% of my time around other actors, so churchy people can strike me as a little emotionally inhibited sometimes :)
Victoriacarmody - I have been set up friends and co-workers, aunts and uncles - but I do believe you're the first one that’s tried to do it over blog comments. Congratulations!
At 8:27 PM, February 15, 2007,
Jennifer said…
Adam, thought I should explain my idea more. In retrospect I think it may have come off as cheesy. But here's my logic. I'm a very outgoing, extroverted girl. However, I feel SO uncomfortable on formal dates. I'm still talkative, but don't feel like myself. The best times I've ever had with guys, are really random ones. The moments you can't plan, stemming from very ordinary circumstances. Two years ago, I was supposed to meet up with a group of people from my church to go to a concert. However, the only one to show up to this guy's apartment (we'd arranged to meet there)... was me. We ended up driving together to the concert, discovering it was weird and leaving, and then going for ice cream. Not a date, but I had the best time doing this. One of the things I look forward to about marriage is the thought of doing everyday things with someone I love. Grocery shopping, driving places, doing laundry, watching mindless TV. That's what I've always wanted.
At 10:25 AM, February 17, 2007,
Adam the V said…
Jennifer -
Don't worry - you didn't come off as cheesy :) I see what you're saying about less-formal situations, and I agree. The problem is that right now, due to our schedules, the only time we really see each other is for one hour on Sunday mornings.
You did give me a great idea, though. I'll just tell her that a bunch of people are meeting at my place to go see a movie or a play, and hey! No one else shows up - that's strange....ah well, let's go have a random evening complete with ice cream and a horse-drawn carriage :)
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