Fabulous Females

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

To Hold or to Fold?

I'll be honest. I suck at poker. It's a game that I really enjoy playing, but have absolutely no prowess in.

Much like poker, at the moment I feel like I am completely inept at handling the relationship I'm currently in.

I love my guy, but am aware that he doesn't feel sure about whether he's madly in love with me. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not running to the altar at all, but lately his actions give me the distinct impression that he's kind of half-assing the relationship, but isn't motivated to get out of it.

He really is trying to sort things out, but it's been a few months and nothing yet. We met a year ago.

Should he know by now if he truly loves me? How long do I wait for him?

A few nights ago, I suggested that we take a three week break. I'm hoping a couple things will come out of it: his true emotions will become clear and that not having communication/being with him will stop clouding my judgment to see the real him.

Should I hold onto my hand? If so, how long do you keep your cards?

I've already laid my cards on my table, so to speak. I want to be with him, but not if he's lukewarm about us as a couple.

Should I fold and get out? On the other hand, I do want to give him a chance to figure things out before considering ending the relationship.

It's only three days into the "break" and I miss him terribly. I wish he was more impulsive and would just call me or (yeah right) show up at my place with flowers. I do not want to be the one to contact first in this situation, because the ball's in his court and I'd regret making the first move.

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posted by Jennifer @ 12:11 AM  

7 Comments:

  • At 9:12 PM, April 26, 2008, Blogger Beth said…

    It sounds like a good decision to keep your distance while he figures out whether or not he wants to be fully invested in the relationship. (Unfortunately, there's no way to know whether three weeks is enough time for him to figure that out ... but it's a start.) I'm sure it's not easy to uphold that decision, but it's important -- you said yourself that you'd regret making the first move, so keep that in mind. The break might be a tiny bit easier for you to handle if you could focus on something else, like your friends, or tackle little projects around your apartment or something ... or maybe not, but it's worth a shot.

    One thing that stood out to me in your post is that you seem to consider "ending the relationship" to be absolutely final, but I don't think it has to be that way. I mean, you could take a "break" of indefinite length but let him know that he can call if he ever figures out that he has strong feelings for you. Essentially, break up without burning the bridge. Of course, if you do that, you should *not* be awaiting his call -- you should be ready to move on if that opportunity presents itself. It doesn't seem like that's the point that you're at right now. But maybe you will be in the not-so-distant future, if this guy really is half-assing the relationship, because you deserve better than that. So, I just wanted to point out that ending a relationship isn't necessarily an irreversible action.

     

  • At 10:39 PM, April 26, 2008, Blogger Jennifer said…

    Beth, thanks so much for your thoughts.

    I must confess I called him tonight. I miss him so much. He didn't answer and I left a voicemail. He didn't call back...

    I will think about what you said about a break without burning a bridge.

     

  • At 10:49 PM, April 26, 2008, Blogger Jennifer said…

    On another note, this weekend was pretty packed. Friday night I hung out with a great group of people, and Saturday - a fun bachelorette party for a girl I didn't know. Despite all that, it just wasn't the same without talking to AJ.

     

  • At 12:34 AM, April 27, 2008, Blogger Nic said…

    Hey,

    Firstly, *hugs* because it sounds like you need them.

    Now I have several random thoughts and a few stories to share.

    - All of the couples I know, if they are happily married, the guy has said that he knows within the first 2-4 months if he is going to marry a girl. (Assuming both parties are over age ~22; if they're younger, it takes longer.) He won't necessarily say so at the time and may wait another year to propose, but he KNOWS.

    - Couples I know, who broke up, were NEVER sure of their future together. If you asked them a year into their relationship about marriage, they'd get evasive looks on their faces.

    - Personally, I was madly in love with a man and knew I wanted to marry him within the first few months of dating. He, however, was wavering. He told me over the course of a year that he "wasn't sure" and was having trouble making up his mind, and yes he adored me but didn't know if he loved me like that.

    I got to the point where I couldn't take it any more and removed myself from his world. It was an amicable split (which later became less friendly because I raged at him for not coming after me). You see, in my heart, I wanted him to realise what he'd lost when he didn't have it any more.

    Instead, he moved on and found someone else.


    So what I would say to you now is: Be Strong. This 3 week break might just be the kick-start he needs to realise how awesome you are. Don't contact him, no matter how much you want to.

    And if he doesn't come back to you, then realise this: You are an incredible person and think of all the equally incredible guys you are MISSING while you are spending time in a relationship that's meandering along.

     

  • At 10:18 AM, April 29, 2008, Blogger none said…

    Update us Jenn... how are things going? I also agree that you shouldn't call him, but I know that's easier said than done.

     

  • At 4:32 PM, April 29, 2008, Blogger Babba-Gi said…

    Till a man looks at you and says to himself "I want her and I don't want anyone else to have her", it's all fluff.

    You have to start out on fire. Later you can handle periods of lukewarm. If you start out lukewarm you can only co straight to cold.

    Half-assing the relationship, what a great term. Don't settle, you deserve the whole ass. Sorting things out is just immaturity. A man knows what he wants. If you hold onto your hand you will find out he's bluffing and you will have to pay to see his cards.

     

  • At 6:43 AM, April 30, 2008, Blogger The Prufroquette said…

    Wow, Babba. Thanks.

    It gets hard when it seems like no one will ever look at us and think, "I want her and I don't want anyone else to have her." I know that means we're young and somewhat flighty still, only thinking about now; and that it only takes one guy with that mindset to turn everything around and we just haven't come across him yet; but a lot of times it seems like we're ripe for the harvest and no one's reaping. So when someone comes along with a scythe in his hand, we think, This is it! And try to ignore the fact that he's taking waaaayyy too many breaks to sit around and nap under the haystacks.

    It's good to hear statements that shake us from our desperation. Mine, anyway. Good too to hear that there are elements -- like a guy's intentions and passion and fire and interest -- that are completely out of our hands. Somehow that makes it easier to believe it's not our fault. We always wonder what we're doing wrong, when really it's just we've been faced -- again -- with a lazy worker who's more interested in his own convenience than storing up good things for the future.

    It never doesn't hurt, though.

     

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