The Pseudo-Boyfriend

If you're like me, you've been in this situation. You're single. You know a guy who's single. You're not dating, but you hang out an awful lot, even doing "couple-ish" stuff like movies and dinner. Other people think you ARE dating. The parents meet him and tell you they think he's "a nice guy" as if to say you should be together. In fact, you may have feelings for this man - or vice versa. But heck, you really aren't sure because things are rather ambiguous between the two of you.
Yes, I am talking about the PSEUDO-BOYFRIEND. The only real boyfriend I've had was about four years ago. Lately, I've been thinking about all those gray relationships I've had with different guys over the years. I can't believe how confusing they all were! Sure we were just friends, but I can't lie about the fact that I would have dated most of them if the topic had ever come up. At first I would convince myself that everything was cool. Then I realized how much time I've spent one on one with guys I considered friends, and how some of those situations crossed the line. We were essentially using each other to fill that void of not having somebody in our lives. Our outings were really dates in everything but name. One way to test if you've got a pseudo-boyfriend is this... Think about what you do with this person. Would you be hanging out with them and doing the same things if you had a REAL boyfriend? If the answer is no, chances are, you've become a pseudo-girlfriend.
Unfortunately, when you're single, sometimes it's difficult not to get your hopes up when you meet somebody... anybody.
This is a November 3, 2004 excerpt from a wonderfully written column by Camerin Courtney, available at ChristianityToday.com.
"But then, I guess that answer's pretty obvious, too. We live in a romance-soaked, paired-off world. We were wired for relationships, to love and be loved. There's nothing like the rush of a new romance. And when you haven't had any signs of interest, let alone a date, for some time, even scraps or cheap imitations of kindling love interest can seem like something worth nursing and coaxing into anything remotely resembling a flame.
It makes me sad that we women especially seem susceptible to the temptation to settle for crumbs of interest or crummy treatment in relationships. After all, a She's Just Not That Into You seems laughable. That's not to say that guys are the only ones doling out bad treatment in relationships or that they aren't capable of good treatment and the ability to commit. I'm sure this has a lot to do with women's need for security, our God-given nesting instincts, self-esteem issues, and a myriad other things that everyone from sociologists to Doctor Phil have tried to explain and remedy over the years."
The conclusion I've come to about the pseudo-relationship situation is that it's unhealthy. It gives women and men artificial ideals and half-truths about real romantic relationships. God wants the real thing for us, not a convenient arrangement where both parties have lukewarm concern and care for each other. I am not saying that male/female relationships are doomed or inappropriate. They can be wonderful and healthy. But we shouldn't be using a male friend as a stand-in boyfriend. We shouldn't be involved with a men who "just aren't that into us." And by using friends of the opposite sex to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without having to initiate or make any commitments is wrong.
Thinking back, I've not only had one boyfriend, but about five psuedo-boyfriends. (I think most guys see me very platonically) The only real difference was the lack of physical contact. When I see past flashbacks, sometimes it does hurt. Why does a guy invite you out for coffee and then lament about his lack of a girlfriend? That's happened to me quite a few times, and it's almost insulting. Like I'm worth "hanging" with but not worthy of a real date. I think the word "date" has come to invoke inherent fear in some men. Chill out guys! It's a date! You don't have to marry the girl, and it doesn't meet you're dating, or in a relationship. A date is just about getting to know someone, which is the same as hanging out in everything but name.
I'm rather tired of being a pseudo-girlfriend. Being the movie date, taking them shopping, folding their laundry, meeting their PARENTS, helping them study, cooking for them, running errands and doing favors. It's like being in a relationship minus all the frosting. No stability, no kissing, no sex, no flowers, no hope for anything else. Thanks for nothing! Don't get me wrong. I love my guy friends, and I love BEING a friend. But no one deserves to be taken advantage of. I've been practicing long enough, and I'm ready for the real thing.