Where Is The Love?

Okay, this is a classic case of double posting. Just a warning...

We can choose a hometown to spend our lives in. We find out what our gifts are and decide what field to go into, spend four years at college (and grad school), want a long-term job with security, and pick a 401 K plan that, chances are, we’ll never look at ever again until age 65. We like and crave stability, people who love us, and law and order. Not the show, but societal peace and order. Even if a group of students are given the option to choose their own seats in a classroom instead of having them assigned, they will inevitably sit in the same ones day after day. So in all seriousness, why can’t we commit in relationships? Forget marriage or even engagement – heck, we can’t even make it to a third date in the year 2006. So-and-so just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ you. Greg isn’t ambitious enough. Steve’s teeth are too crooked. You’re too ‘into your career.’ You/they just aren’t ‘ready’ to date someone, and want to keep things super casual. It’s too weird to be with Dan, because it would mess up the friendship. I just don’t get it. People can’t stick with their significant others at the slightest tremor, yet we won’t change bank accounts even with a painful $30 a month service charge. It scares me how little knowledge and experience I have with commitment. It’s not that I don’t want that, but it appears so few others do. Back in the day, I didn’t think I wanted to get married or have children. Even after college, I equated marriage to a loss of freedom and dreams. How could I pursue my profession if I had to sacrifice for my husband’s career? Would I be doomed to watch Oprah while folding laundry? Even at homecoming last October, a bunch of girls and I sat around a table eating cookies and chatting about our futures. We all agreed we didn’t want to become boring housewives.But now? I believe marriage helps us become better people, grow in wisdom, and reach our goals better than we could on our own. And as for the trapped argument? I feel trapped and lonely as a single woman. I’d do anything to have someone here with me who I’m completely comfortable with, can open up to and trust, and who loves and supports me. I am not an island. As much as I try to be, it doesn’t work. Time and time again, I’ll fail. We singles waste so much time thinking about the opposite sex, if they noticed us, if they’ll call, what ‘phase’ the relationship is in. Wouldn’t it be nice to be rid of all that? An amazing book I’ve been reading is ‘Why Can’t I Fall In Love’ by Shmuley Boteach, my personal hero. Honestly, it’s changed my outlook in love and marriage. In the past few years, my fear of falling in love and risking heart break has waned. In fact, I’d say I’ve garnered a lot more confidence and hope. Boteach lays out how God created man and woman to come together as one. And when God said that, he didn’t mean for a one night hook-up. He meant... well, for life.

Falling in love actually frees you on many levels. It enlarges rather than diminishes you, because the most important freedom in life is the freedom to maximize your human potential, to take whatever gift you have on the inside and make something of it on the outside. When we are deprived of this freedom, we live in pain and disillusionment. When we have no one to draw us out, the pain we experience is terrible. Love enables us to bring out that interior gift. - Shmuley Boteach

Over the last week or two, I’ve been catching up with some old friends – all guys. Let me preface this by saying that I was the ultimate gal pal in college. As a freshman I knew about 90% of all the guys in my class and a good number of the girls. No, I was far from a flirt. In actuality, I’m one of the most platonic people on the planet. Although I’m no sports buff, I spend most of my time with friends of the male persuasion. Never dated any of them. Got to know them well, and cherish those days greatly. On Thanksgiving, I had a few glasses of wine over the phone with my friend M. He was working on Bourbon in another state. Back in the day we played poker, watched Joe Millionaire, and I was the official photographer/videographer on his birthday. He recently moved to Florida from Pennsylvania to accept a job and live on the beach. Unfortunately, he also moved away from his wonderful girlfriend. We discussed his relationship at great length and he expressed just how much he misses her and wants to be together in the same city. He felt that in retrospect, he shouldn’t have taken the job in Florida and is now looking for a new direction in Pennsylvania. Last night, I spoke to another friend who’s become quite a fixture in my life. C. is a really wonderful person. Kind, intelligent, funny, self-deprecating, loyal and trustworthy. He’s been through a difficult time with the lady in his life as well. He told me wholeheartedly that he’s in love with her, wants to spend the rest of his life with her starting right now, and just needs to know if she wants the same thing. He’s been wondering the same thing for about a year. Regardless of what happens between them, he genuinely wants her to be happy, even if it isn’t with him. These two men are in love. They’re not afraid of jumping in headfirst and experiencing all that life has for them in that area. M. and C. are bold, wise, and rare. A woman should consider herself extremely blessed to find herself in a romantic situation with anyone like the friends I just mentioned. Every week, I’ve been mentally recapping interesting new things I’ve learned. Through my friends, I’ve learned that there is hope. Not everyone is afraid of commitment. I want to be one of those people. So my question to you is why? Why are you afraid? What stops you from giving love a chance? Why can’t you fall in love?