A Follow Up...

The demographic I'm mostly trying to reach in my last post include people who are in a relationship that they KNOW is not going anywhere. The couples that you see and think, "Why are they together?" (ie: she's cheating on him, constantly breaking up – then getting back together, they're different to the point of no return, and so on...) You all know the ones I’m talking about.
Trust me, I am all for going out on a limb and dating out of my comfort zone. I've gone out with a guy who took me to see Bowling for Columbine, a guy who worked for the Associated Press, and a few older guys. However, there are men that I've gotten to know in other ways - by going to school together, forming a friendship, being involved in Bible studies. As for the church guy, I'm just not into him... at all. (and believe me, I've tried) Back in college, a friend of mine told me he was interested in dating me. Although I valued his friendship, certain aspects of his personality were incompatible with my own. If I hadn't known this, sure, I would have dated him. But I did. In fact, I’ve had deeper discussions with the guy than with my ex-boyfriend. So in that particular case, I knew that getting involved would not have the desired outcome. Since then, he's gotten married. Dating him knowing what I did about us at that point, would have been cruel to him. And I am very happy to know that he’s gone on to find the real woman of his dreams.
Ladies, I would like to encourage you all to give nice guys a chance. They really are the undiscovered gems of the dating world. But we do need to take caution not to lead them on. If you’ve been an item for a year, and feel repulsed by holding his hand – perhaps that’s a sign. When you’ve got a boyfriend, but daydream about the cute guy you see at work, that’s a symptom of a much larger problem. Too many people seem to be in dead end relationships with no light at the end of a tunnel. Why is that?
Ideally, I’d like to get to know a guy as a friend before coming to the crossroad of a dating relationship. You get to see what they’re like around other guys, and how they treat women they’re not trying to impress. Generally, I have pretty decent “guy-dar” and can usually pick out bad apples from the good ones. Most of the young men I’ve been interested in have really grown on me over time. Definitely wasn’t love at first sight, or even attraction at first sight. I’m not too big on looks, but I’m human, and believe that God does want us to have that “spark” in a relationship. No, not the “he’s hot” rush we get from meeting a guy. More like a slow burning flame that multiplies as we realize how wonderful someone is. But I do want Him in control of my love life. If I’m supposed to be with someone, I know that He’ll put a spark where it’s supposed to be.
Personally, I like getting to know guys as friends without dating them. More than half of my good friends are of the opposite sex. They have a lot to offer. Chances are very slim I’d still have the kind of relationships with them that I do now, if I’d previously dated them.
Is this the best way to conduct myself socially? I’m not sure. Some days I do wish I had more life experience in that area, more of a romantic history. But I can tell you this. I don’t carry around the emotional baggage left behind in a relationship aftermath, that many of my counterparts do. Men like and respect the fact that I haven’t dated all of their friends. Women like and respect me because I haven’t dated their boyfriends and we don’t share any former flames.
A few weeks ago while watching The View (shudder all you want), Dr. Phil was touting his new book “Love Smart.” His basic message to women? That most of us tend to bend over backwards trying to fit into a man’s world. If he likes fishing, we go out and buy a reel, rod, and tackle box. If his dream includes going to Scotland, we book two tickets for our next vacation. Really, that’s about as pathetic as taking an Auto Repair class to meet guys or taking a hot cousin to your prom. Although I’m no Dr. Phil fan, the quack actually did have a point there. He went on to say that research shows that men dislike that. They like women who live their own lives, have separate interests, and can live independently. Opera’s favorite groupie suggested that women see their lives as a movie. We are the star, and have to decide what the storyline is for our movie as well as what the main character is like. Who are we? Who are our friends? What is our love life like? Those are all things we have some control over.
While at times I do agonize over the lack of a dating rap sheet, I’ve come to a few realizations. I know myself and my needs and desires well. And you know what? I honestly don’t think I would be as in touch with myself, if I hadn’t had the solo time I’ve been “blessed” with. And as Dr. Phil said, it’s important that I know my storyline before someone else comes into the picture.
In my case, I try my best to hand the drivers wheel over to God. If He wants me to date a guy I was not particularly interested in before, it’s up to Him to change my heart. Just as we are called to be passionate Christians, we should be passionate in everything we do. I really dislike seeing people who are totally lukewarm about their faith. The ones who go out for a night of debauchery on Saturday, then go to church on Sunday to “be seen.” It’s one thing to keep it real, but another to be a hypocrite. If I do enter into the institution of marriage, I’d like to think that the Lord would bless me with a special and loving husband. A guy that really “gets” me, and truly is my better half. After all, I owe God at least that much credit. While I don’t necessarily believe in finding “the one,” I am an advocate of finding someone that brings out my best attributes.
There is a current epidemic of people in lukewarm relationships. Call me picky, but I don’t understand why anyone would want to be half of a so-so couple. There’s a Saturday Night Live sketch I enjoy about a fictional husband in wife titled, “The Couple That Should Be Divorced.” It’s an obviously dysfunctional pair who are constantly making others feel uncomfortable with knock-down drag out fights. Of course, then they find an inconvenient spot to have make-up sex. Not every situation is as cut and dry as the SNL couple, but I don’t think the idea is far from the truth.
I’m not telling you to stop going out on dates with guys you’re not “into”! I am telling you not to get into a serious relationship with someone you’re not into. By doing this, you’re contributing to the lukewarm coupledom that’s plaguing our society. Do you really want to be bathwater, rather than fire? Don’t be overly picky when it comes to who you spend your time with, but you should definitely have standards. You deserve them. There should be a few items on your “must have” list that you won’t compromise on.
You may wonder whether a “serial single” like me is qualified to talk about relationships. (I’ve definitely got the upper hand on Dr. Phil) I can say this… I’ve seen firsthand what healthy, strong romantic unions look like. I’ve also seen both the awful and the so-so. Little girls don’t dream of having bad or “okay” romance when they grow up – they want the magic. While that’s a bit optimistic, perhaps we had the right idea at age 5. No, I’m not in a relationship and haven’t been attached for some time. But at least I’ll be ready and emotionally available for a great one. That’s far better than settling for just “okay right now.”