You're Just Not That Into Him? Then Be Honest!

Taking some time out now to discuss something that's been weighing on my conscience lately. If you're on this blog, chances are good that you've read "He's Just Not That Into You" – the book that's launched a million gender/dating conversations. Basically, it tells women that "we're worth it" and that we shouldn't make up excuses for men. If he doesn't call us, ask us out, kiss us, marry us, then he isn't crazy about us. Therefore, we should forget about those guys and find ones that realize how wonderful we are. Since reading the book, I've realized just how right Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are.
But there's a lot more to it than that... I'm noticing that there are so many women dating men that they're just not that into. Have we gotten to the point where we're so desperate for relationships that we know aren't the real thing? I've done it myself. Been there. Wanting to be with someone who I knew wasn't good enough. It's just surprising that so many women of all ages have told me that they don't or can't intend to be serious about their boyfriend. The most common symptoms of this? Dating a man they're not really attracted to. Or dating a man they know they can't marry, but lie to themselves that maybe they could. Or dating a man, but interested in someone else. If this describes you, I have a simple question. WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM? Yes, I know he's a sweet guy. The nicest guy you've ever met. He pays for dinner. You think he's going to propose. That's all fine and dandy, but will you really pledge your love to someone you just think is "nice"?
When speaking to several friends in this type of scenario, they've got all the excuses and justifications nailed down. The guy knows they're not that serious and he's okay with it. She sees the relationship as mutually harmless. She doesn't have a reason to break up with him. They're best friends. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go out on dates with a guy you're unsure of. That's what dating is for. But if you know that the guy isn't for you, don't continue on as his girlfriend. After it's been a few months, and you're not feeling a spark... that's a big red flag.
Here are my reasons for this school of thought. First of all, let me preface this by saying that I have a lot of friends - both male and female. I tend to be the girl people randomly open up to. Not sure why that is, but I love it. I've always loved people, and talking to people, and trying to help people. The Myers-Briggs test even told me that I'm people-oriented instead of task-oriented. Over the years, I've had quite a bit of insight into how people tick.
Ladies, I can tell you this. For the same reason you will date a guy who's not that into you, a guy will date you even if you're not madly in love with him. Why? Hoping you'll change. Men also have the same hope women have. One day she'll wake up and realize just how important he is, that he is "the one," that she truly loves him. The guys I've known, they want a woman to be honest with them. They don't want a girl to lead them off a cliff. Being honest with him about how you feel, enables them to move on. Don't you want that for him? To be able to find a woman who loves him the same way? That's what I thought. By dating people fleetingly, we are doing men - and other women, a disservice. Men, by tacking on excess baggage to their relationship rap sheet. Women, because they may want to date that guy you just hurt.
Another point I'd like to make is that relationships, even good ones, leave both parties with baggage. Back in high school, I attended a Christian conference in Niagara Falls. One of the workshops was on sexual purity. To demonstrate the emotional effects of sex, the leader had us use a section of masking tape. We went around the room and stuck it to everyone else's shirts. Each time we did this, little fibers from each person's shirt would stick to our tape. That's what having different sexual partners is like. We "lose" a part of ourselves to the other person whether we know it or not. It's also what having a relationship is like. Inevitably, we begin to carry more and more baggage from past relationships with us. At first it seems like a light load. High school sweetheart, college beau... but as time goes on, the load gets unnoticeably heavier. And it will catch up to us. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but when we're engaged or married. If I do get married someday, I want to have a pure body and a pure heart to go with it.
My guy friends, when they like a girl, they really like her. Even if she treats them badly, they're so blinded by their feelings they can't see that. It makes me so angry when I see a woman taking advantage of a man in that situation. We're always complaining that there aren't enough single men. Did you ever stop to think about one of the reasons for our plought? If all these mismatched and dysfunctional relationships would dissolve, those parties would be free to search for the real loves of their lives. There are too many relationships consisting of either a really nice girl and a player, or a great guy and a maneater. It's sad. That's an extreme case, but along with the dysfunctional couples are the so-so couples. They stay together but don't really know why.
There's a really great guy here in El Paso that I've gotten to know through church. He's a few years older, funny, very intelligent, and has a successful career. A wonderful catch. Awhile ago, he asked me out to dinner. The thing is, I feel no chemistry with him. Thinking perhaps I was nuts, I decided to get to know him better at social gatherings and such. To this day, I just like him as a friend. It's been four years since I was in a relationship. Two years ago, I would have jumped to go out with him even if I wasn't particularly interested. But dating him would be wrong. He really is a terrific man, and deserves a "fabulous female" - one who is just as crazy about him as he is about her. That woman, sadly, is not me. What if he missed his chance at meeting her because he was dating me? Consider that for thought, ladies.
You've probably met a few guys that would make wonderful companions, if not for their girlfriends. Wouldn't you be disappointed/frustrated to find out his girlfriend had no intention of getting serious? Great Guy X gave up a possibility of YOU, for someone who doesn't even care about him! Do you really want to be that girl?
Now, I'm not telling you to break up with him. I am suggesting that you evaluate your own motives for being in a relationship. I'm also not telling you to be super picky, but to figure out who you are and what your needs are. The best way to avoid marrying "the wrong guy" is to not date guys you know aren't right for you. I've been there... dated the wrong guys. And you know what? It sucks. Like trying to fill your craving for chocolate with pork rinds. It just doesn't work. Getting involved only with men you see a future with is a mature, wise trait. It shows respect to men by taking them seriously and not tearing them down emotionally, and to other women by doing your part to respect guys that just could be - their future husbands.