He's Just Not That Into You?
About a year ago, I decided to check out the "He’s Just Not That Into You" craze and pick up the pink book with the answering machine on the cover. (Yes, I’d also seen the Sex and the City episode) Everyone and their mother was buying the book, and I can't resist a good pop culture phenomenon. So I read... and I read. Like a cartoon, a lightbulb lit up above my head. Finally, I thought, "I GOT IT!" If a guy really is interested in a girl, it will be way obvious. If there are doubts or questions in my mind about him, he’s "just not that into me" and I should move my fantastic self onto something better. Up until a week ago, that had become a personal philosophy. You know, telling myself that I deserved a great guy who went to great lengths to be with me.
There’s one guy in particular, I used to dig pretty hard. We’re sort of friends, but I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t even treat me like a friend, let alone anything else. I made several attempts to get to know him better in a casual context. He’s a nice enough guy, but he really pales in comparison to my true male friends. If I called one of them up and asked them if they wanted to do something, they’d take me up on it. This other guy just gave the lamest excuses I’ve ever heard. I got it. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste any of my time on him. He’s not worth it.
Recently, I talked to FF’s own Adam on the phone for awhile. For the first time ever I asked him, point blank, if the "He’s Just Not That Into You" thing was for real - or really hokey. According to him, it’s not always the case. Adam cited an example of a girl he was crushing hard on, and how it took him months to work up the courage to call her. And I wondered, did Adam just not like her enough to do everything he could to reel her in?
So what I’m asking all of you is...
1) Do you buy the "He’s Just Not That Into You" argument?
2) If someone REALLY likes someone else, would they not risk losing a shot with them? And if the answer is no, then what are the limits they’re willing to go to?
3) Should you move on from someone you get mixed signals from?
4) If the object of our affection doesn’t like us (or seem to like us), when should we give up?
There’s one guy in particular, I used to dig pretty hard. We’re sort of friends, but I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t even treat me like a friend, let alone anything else. I made several attempts to get to know him better in a casual context. He’s a nice enough guy, but he really pales in comparison to my true male friends. If I called one of them up and asked them if they wanted to do something, they’d take me up on it. This other guy just gave the lamest excuses I’ve ever heard. I got it. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste any of my time on him. He’s not worth it.
Recently, I talked to FF’s own Adam on the phone for awhile. For the first time ever I asked him, point blank, if the "He’s Just Not That Into You" thing was for real - or really hokey. According to him, it’s not always the case. Adam cited an example of a girl he was crushing hard on, and how it took him months to work up the courage to call her. And I wondered, did Adam just not like her enough to do everything he could to reel her in?
So what I’m asking all of you is...
1) Do you buy the "He’s Just Not That Into You" argument?
2) If someone REALLY likes someone else, would they not risk losing a shot with them? And if the answer is no, then what are the limits they’re willing to go to?
3) Should you move on from someone you get mixed signals from?
4) If the object of our affection doesn’t like us (or seem to like us), when should we give up?
posted by Jennifer @ 4:09 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:01 PM, January 24, 2006,
The Prufroquette said…
Gosh, Jen, I don't know what to think.
I've never been really big on the dating scene, so I can't pretend any expertise on the behaviors of men.
I do know that when a crush doesn't pan out in a reasonable amount of time, I put it away, squash it, starve it, force it to dwindle, because I hate making a fool of myself and I don't believe in holding out for false hope. (And I'm freakishly convinced that when I like a guy, it's freakishly, embarrassingly obvious, and tends to drive him away in vicarious embarrassment. Blech.)
Possibly this is why I'm still undeniably, unquestionably single at the age of twenty-four. I haven't had a date in almost a year. But on the other hand, the nights I've lain awake agonizing over whether he likes me and whether he'll ever ask me out and whether I should make some sort of move have been kept to a minimum. I'm lonely, but have peace of mind.
Actually having a cat cuts sharply on the loneliness, so I've recently found myself more able to interact naturally and easily with men. It's kind of nice.
But still. If I have questions, I let it go. I can't make him ask me if he won't. And I won't waste my time waiting. If a guy wants to ask, great! If not, I have other things to do.
But again...have I given off I'm-just-not-that-into-him vibes that delay infinitely the moment when he does ask? Who knows. But the dating mindgame mania is exhausting, so I normally don't bother with it.
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