Subtly changing the subject...

Filler. It really is, isn't it? You're doing all these things. Maybe even all the right things. But it still feels like you're just living life on hold, sometimes. Your call will be answered in approximately...(insert unknown number here)...years. For me, at least, the important thing is that it doesn't feel like this all the time. But there are unique moments when it is felt acutely. Just one random night waiting in line for the bus and wondering if it will be raining when you get home. Or driving past the park and seeing the kids at little league. Or late at night.

I feel the same way sbp recently put it (to paraphrase): life is grand. Great job, awesome friends, love where I'm living, my church, working with the youth at my church. I have friends and community like no one could even dream to ask for - leaving NYC will be one of the toughest experiences of my life, some day.

I'm a Netflix addict, I eat out or order out like 99% of the time (which sometimes sucks, but for the most part is great). I'm not much of a phone person but I have the coolest cell phone out there (a gig of music! go me)...I've got way too many clothes, wear make-up every day. Wait a minute. Strike that last one. I read when I can and surf a lot of internet when I can as well. I've got like 8 email accounts at this point that I check regularly. For crying out loud. I'm not sure how many computers I have but I think its technically 3. I'm becoming more and more aware as the days pass of just how incredibly blessed I really am. Thankfully, I'm becoming more and more able to start blessing others.

I don't have a dog. I do covet that (having one) at times. I was once driving by a house with a small lake with one of the elders from my church - he looked at the lake and said "I don't covet that lake, but I want one just like it for myself." That's how I feel about certain dogs - but that's about as far as my complaints go. I don't pay my bills on time or write nearly as much as I should. I'm pretty good about my devotions / memorization / prayer times (getting better on the prayer part). I work a lot, try to work out in the mornings, and jump at the opportunity to waste a few hours on video games on a Saturday morning.

I'm learning a lot about myself, other people, faith, life...I feel there's so much to learn and I feel like I'm taking in as much as possible. Its like standing in the middle of a raging river - you can't drink the whole thing but you can open your mouth and get a taste.

So...yeah. I've got a lot of great stuff going on as well. I'm becoming a full-fledged adult that can very nearly take care of himself on a regular basis. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, but I look at other people my age (usually the ones at work, not church) - and I think "I really have it together." But the problem with that statement is the very first word - its not "We." And that's all you really want at the end of the day.

Funny how all the other stuff starts to fade when you put it in this light. Who cares if you have Netflix, or work out a ton, or have the greatest job in the world. Not having anyone to share it with makes a lot of these things feel hollow - every once in a while. Dare I say it - even your relationship with God, at points. I think its because we were created to be relational - its in our innermost being. You see a beautiful sight, taste a beautiful glass of wine, hear a beautiful piece of music - and you have singular human experience that *isn't* selfish - you actually want to share what you've just felt. You know that sharing it and seeing someone else enjoy it as you did will only increase your pleasure.

What I want...I don't know what I want. I'm going on 28 and I still don't know what I want to do for a living, where I want to live, all that jazz...all I know is that I want to be doing whatever it is, with somebody. Whether I'm coming home from my ski patroller job in Wyoming or my partner role at a firm in the big city, I don't care. Its the fact that I have someone to come home to that matters. Right now it doesn't matter when I leave the office. Nobody's sitting in my hotel room waiting to see how my day went. I can work all night and no one would know or care. It sucks.

A family...kids...all that follows down the road, as well. Its a little much to ponder on - when you don't already have the necessary pre-cursors lined up...but. Keeping a little me quiet during church, or teaching him how to kick the soccer ball, or wiping spit-up off her PJs...

I actually want a family. Of my own. Of our own.

Its important to be working on being the right person rather than finding the right person, while we're waiting. And that's certainly something easier typed than accomplished.

All of this, what I'm doing right now, is great. But all the accomplishments (not the relationships), while exciting and great and worth being proud of, and (some of) which I will certainly continue throughout my life, with or without marriage and family, are just filler. I'm not desperate, I'm not in despair. I won't give up my identity when I finally have what I'm waiting for. But I am biding my time. I know what I want, and I don't have it yet. So I'm doing the best I can, looking to God for continuous direction...and waiting.

(Now that I've actually finished putting this together, I realize that a lot of the motivation behind it is an appeal for equality. I am aware that this is a female forum, but let's just take all the "I can't meet a nice Christian girl in a bar"s and "I am so mad at cool Christian guys"s and all that and throw it in the hat. Both sides of the sexes have our challenges. Ok?)