Heart - Now On Sleeve

You all are so honest and open... that I really think I owe you the same courtesy. Over the past eight years or so, I’ve done two things. 1) Done a complete about circle in some ways and 2) Done a 180 in others. As far as my spiritual walk with the Lord goes, I went from being sold out for Christ in high school... to a really lukewarm college student... and now am in a similar place as in high school again. It’s somewhat nostalgic, almost like I never left high school. Being in this place that I am now, it feels like a simpler time... one where I get back some of the innocence I used to have.
Anyway, I tend to put on this exterior (without intending to) that I’m anti-guys. Friends used to wonder if I was even remotely love struck, because I never talked about guys. Now, I’m so buddy-buddy with males that I ponder the thought that, perhaps, I put out some sort of "asexual" vibes to everyone.
As a teenager, I was career driven to an extreme. I sent letters to colleges I was interested in, back when I was 12. In ninth grade, I took practice LSAT’s at the public library. (By the way, I did pretty well for a 14 year old.) While crushing on this nice, funny, but awkward boy in my church youth group I told everyone I didn’t want to get married until I was at least 35. My parents and I do not discuss my personal life. They occasionally ask, but I just don’t tell them anything.
In college I quickly became nauseated by the constant "creekings" whenever a guy on campus got engaged. The "Congratulations" posters plastering upperclasswomen’s dorm hallways all started to blur together and look the same. And here’s the funny part. I liked guys... quite a few guys. Most of them were the distant crushes, boys who you didn’t even know their name and they didn’t know yours either. The next time I’d see them, they were getting thrown in the darn creek.
Then there were the young men that I really, truly could see a future with. They were all nice guys. Really nice, great, funny, intelligent, light-up-the-room type of guys who love the Lord. And they had something else in common - they ALL rejected me. Every single one of them. Somewhere along the lines, I stopped believing that I’d ever meet anyone like that who would love me just as-is. I’ve spent a long time - years - trying to figure out the mystery. Trying to crack the puzzle. Was there a certain formula that I had to be? Are those guys just not attracted to me?
So here I am a few years out of school. Still in the same spot I’ve been since high school. When I moved across the country to El Paso, I thought it was strictly a career move. I didn’t expect anything else. Almost two years later, this city’s had the opposite effect on me. Maybe it’s the culture, maybe it’s the people - but mostly it’s got to be God. My eyes have been opened to how important and wonderful having a family is. Work is work, and at the end of the day I come home alone. My job seems so menial compared to what it would be like to be a wife and mother. I can’t believe I’m saying this. Most of all, I can’t believe I find myself in this position. Me, the former housewife-hater. Heck, I can now say I’m even open to that lifestyle choice myself. Have I been abducted by aliens?
What’s so ironic about this... Is that the city where I had this self discovery, isn’t going to be the city where that becomes a reality. Like Abbie, I have not had a date in a really, really long time. This year, I have decided that I need to go on ONE date. Not one-hundred... just one. And not even a good one at that. Even a trip to the drive-thru counts, looking back on my track record.
It feels really mean for God to do this to me now. Right as I’m having an epiphany on love, he wipes the rug of opportunity out from under my feet. The whole ‘no personal life’ thing is getting old quickly. I’m not interested in white weddings and cake and presents, I’d just like some encouragement and optimism that it’s an option in the future. And it’s definitely not there. I’m basically a nun without the habit.
Worst of all, there is someone that I have a significant amount of feelings for. Again, (of course), they’re not returned. He’s only the two-thousandth love interest that doesn’t seem to be really seeing me. I want to just tell this guy, "Hey! I’m a great girl! And I’m here! And I like you!" He’s one of those fellas that gets shut down by every girl he asks out, because he’s clueless at picking them out. I enjoy his company and love the kind of person he is. Unfortunately, I would bet a lot of money that he’s not attracted to me. Otherwise, he probably would have done something about it by now. If things go according to Jennifer’s life as we know it, he will start dating someone that I introduced him to. They will get married, and then I’ll want to kick myself for the two-thousandth time. If you’re thinking to yourself that I need to have more hope, think no more. I’ve been there, done that. Did nothing. Got the t-shirt. You can also call me rather cynical about the whole arena of love, but you’d got to admit, I have every right to those views.
In the past few months, I’ve become like the little boy Sam, from the film "Love Actually." His mother recently died in the movie, but he’s also dealing with his puppy-love for a classmate who shares the same name as mom - Joanna. He can’t picture anything worse than the total agony of being in love, and not being able to do anything about it. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of Sam in myself.
I also see a little bit of Mark in myself. Mark is in love with his best friend’s new wife. He acts coldly toward her, because he can’t stand to be around her knowing that he’ll never be able to do anything about it. Actually, I think I am a lot like the Mark character. Okay, I am eternally Mark. No, I’ve never been in love with anyone’s husband. I’m just always drawn to men that I know will never give me their heart... or see me as the young woman who can give them mine. When will I stop being "Sam" and "Mark." I don’t want to be Sam OR Mark.
So I don’t know what you all have to say to me. I’m not asking for advice or even encouragement. Just wanted to put this all out there, because it’s the real deal for me. Frankly, it hurts for me to type out the words and think about them all. I’m not usually the spill your guts kind of person. But I’ve been in a rather dark place in some areas, and felt I can share this.