Reconsidering the Convent Plan...
Okay ladies, it’s been a rough night. I’m rather frustrated with my own attitude and am seeking the solace of my fellow fabulous females. My heart is in the process of healing, but right now, it hurts. I need a Band-Aid. Recently, I stuck my neck out. Laid it all on the line with this guy that I’ve genuinely cared about for more than a year. It’s one of the few times in my life that I’ve been so straight forward with anyone. Needless to say, his response left me confused but I do know the truth. He’s just not interested in me. If he was, he wouldn’t have made up excuses. One thing I dislike about trying to be friends with a guy like that? It’s that I currently feel like a second-class friend. He treats me differently. Like he’s so afraid I’ll take something the wrong way, he barely looks at me. It’s insulting and rude. I get it! I don’t need pity, and I certainly can understand the concept of "no way."
I hate myself right now. Earlier this week I was filled with joy and peace. That’s been replaced by something much uglier. While on the mission trip a few weeks ago, God made it very clear that I need to let it go. That I need to stop harboring this little beam of hope and just move on. And I’ll be honest, I thought it would be easier. Much easier. I was wrong. The night we returned from Mexico, I called Adam and explained what had been revealed to me. He pointed out that while we "give things up to the Lord" it also requires action on our part.
Well, I’ve been avidly seeking out Jesus, praying, and focusing on other things. However, it’s difficult when the guy is involved in the same church, same activities. Tonight, I went to the Saturday evening church service to give a testimony about the trip. I expected to see Pastor Dan and some of the youth. No Pastor Dan. Instead, I walk into the sanctuary to see the guy... sitting with a girl I had considered a friend.. And realized that I introduced them. I’d even confided in her about my feelings for him. At that moment, I knew I was faking it. I had on a smile and sat with them since I’d gotten an invitation. But truthfully, I wanted to run away. It took every ounce of courage I could muster to talk to both of them. What if they get together? That same thing happens to me over and over. I like guy, I (naively) introduce him to a "friend" and she gets him. All during the service I was privileged to witness them sort of flirting with each other. As soon as it was over, I had to get out of there. To top it all off, they made movie plans right in front of me. Ouch.
In my 23 years of life, it’s safe to say that I’ve been patient. I’ve been the "cool girl." The one who isn’t petty and dramatic. The one who guys can talk to about anything, open them up to new experiences, challenge them, love them for who they are. So where is a man who can offer those qualities to women like myself? Why can’t men love women like us? What is it? Are we too big for them? Too wonderful? I’m so tired of being the gal pal who doesn’t get the guy.
My brain knows that this guy... isn’t nearly the man I need. He’s not dynamic and passionate, and doesn’t "get" me. Whenever I was in his company, he just didn’t seem to appreciate who I was. But I haven’t been able to make the feelings disappear and stop caring. Flaws and all, I liked him. A lot. Even when he acted strangely and hugged everyone else except me. Even when I took him to a basketball game and found out that he’d gotten similar tickets and invited the girl mentioned above but that it "wasn’t a date." Even when he invited me to the movies and cut in front of me to go first, and I had my foot run over by a stroller. Even when I went with him as his date to a formal event and he insisted on leaving really early as if he couldn’t stand to be there with me for another minute.
Well, I’m finished wasting my time chasing after something so frivolous. The above description doesn’t match any girl’s dreams -- certainly not mine. So tonight... Tonight my heart is hurting. I’m sacked out on the sofa eating Girl Scout Cookies and watching When Harry Met Sally for the second time, and that’s okay. My roommate reminded me about a birthday party, but I really don’t want to go anywhere.
This is one of my favorite quotes from TV show Veronica Mars: "The people you love let you down." How right you are, Veronica. Humans are not perfect, and that’s why we need Jesus to rely on. He IS perfect, and He’s our strength. Back to VM, my favorite episode is focused around an 80's dance at Neptune High called "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Veronica’s friend Meg has a secret admirer, and Veronica promises her she’ll track down the love struck guy. Sadly, she discovers that the guy who’s digging Meg is her own ex-boyfriend, Duncan. In an act of pure unselfishness and maturity, Veronica gives her blessing to Meg and Duncan hooking up. I’m really trying to be Veronica-like in this situation, but it’s difficult.
Ladies, any feedback or suggestions or advice?
I hate myself right now. Earlier this week I was filled with joy and peace. That’s been replaced by something much uglier. While on the mission trip a few weeks ago, God made it very clear that I need to let it go. That I need to stop harboring this little beam of hope and just move on. And I’ll be honest, I thought it would be easier. Much easier. I was wrong. The night we returned from Mexico, I called Adam and explained what had been revealed to me. He pointed out that while we "give things up to the Lord" it also requires action on our part.
Well, I’ve been avidly seeking out Jesus, praying, and focusing on other things. However, it’s difficult when the guy is involved in the same church, same activities. Tonight, I went to the Saturday evening church service to give a testimony about the trip. I expected to see Pastor Dan and some of the youth. No Pastor Dan. Instead, I walk into the sanctuary to see the guy... sitting with a girl I had considered a friend.. And realized that I introduced them. I’d even confided in her about my feelings for him. At that moment, I knew I was faking it. I had on a smile and sat with them since I’d gotten an invitation. But truthfully, I wanted to run away. It took every ounce of courage I could muster to talk to both of them. What if they get together? That same thing happens to me over and over. I like guy, I (naively) introduce him to a "friend" and she gets him. All during the service I was privileged to witness them sort of flirting with each other. As soon as it was over, I had to get out of there. To top it all off, they made movie plans right in front of me. Ouch.
In my 23 years of life, it’s safe to say that I’ve been patient. I’ve been the "cool girl." The one who isn’t petty and dramatic. The one who guys can talk to about anything, open them up to new experiences, challenge them, love them for who they are. So where is a man who can offer those qualities to women like myself? Why can’t men love women like us? What is it? Are we too big for them? Too wonderful? I’m so tired of being the gal pal who doesn’t get the guy.
My brain knows that this guy... isn’t nearly the man I need. He’s not dynamic and passionate, and doesn’t "get" me. Whenever I was in his company, he just didn’t seem to appreciate who I was. But I haven’t been able to make the feelings disappear and stop caring. Flaws and all, I liked him. A lot. Even when he acted strangely and hugged everyone else except me. Even when I took him to a basketball game and found out that he’d gotten similar tickets and invited the girl mentioned above but that it "wasn’t a date." Even when he invited me to the movies and cut in front of me to go first, and I had my foot run over by a stroller. Even when I went with him as his date to a formal event and he insisted on leaving really early as if he couldn’t stand to be there with me for another minute.
Well, I’m finished wasting my time chasing after something so frivolous. The above description doesn’t match any girl’s dreams -- certainly not mine. So tonight... Tonight my heart is hurting. I’m sacked out on the sofa eating Girl Scout Cookies and watching When Harry Met Sally for the second time, and that’s okay. My roommate reminded me about a birthday party, but I really don’t want to go anywhere.
This is one of my favorite quotes from TV show Veronica Mars: "The people you love let you down." How right you are, Veronica. Humans are not perfect, and that’s why we need Jesus to rely on. He IS perfect, and He’s our strength. Back to VM, my favorite episode is focused around an 80's dance at Neptune High called "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Veronica’s friend Meg has a secret admirer, and Veronica promises her she’ll track down the love struck guy. Sadly, she discovers that the guy who’s digging Meg is her own ex-boyfriend, Duncan. In an act of pure unselfishness and maturity, Veronica gives her blessing to Meg and Duncan hooking up. I’m really trying to be Veronica-like in this situation, but it’s difficult.
Ladies, any feedback or suggestions or advice?
posted by Jennifer @ 11:09 PM
4 Comments:
At 4:42 AM, March 26, 2006,
Babba-Gi said…
There is a song in the play "Avenue Q" called "Fine,Fine Line". The final lyric is "There is a fine, fine, line between love and a waste of time". It was my favorite song of the play.
At 4:37 PM, March 26, 2006,
The Prufroquette said…
Oooo, good quote, Babba.
I dunno, Jen. This is always my advice to people who get screwed over by other people (I think this guy is a shit, by the way): Let yourself be hurt, and then mad about it.
Forget being "unselfish and giving." I think we try to do that, because we as Christians want to be the big, kind-hearted, loving, forgiving, forbearing people. But we also have to be realistic.
I dated this guy for two weeks my freshman year of college, when all along he really wanted someone else -- but as she was dating someone already, I was okay for the time being.
Then she broke up with the guy she was dating. And the guy I was dating broke up with me. Now she and he are married.
Hurt? Yes it did. And I tried to do the giving and caring and blessing, because I didn't want to lose his friendship, and I wanted everything to be okay.
But everything wasn't okay. It was a crap deal. They both knew it, and he especially knew it. So we eventually stopped hanging out. She and I get along just fine, and I like her a lot, but I still don't have much to say to him.
It's not like I think about it much, but that was the last relationship I ever had. Five years ago. My heart just hasn't been in it -- I haven't met anyone that it would be worth it to be open to the possibility of being hurt like that again.
So this guy who's been mouthing excuses and picking up your friend, Jen, is giving you a crap deal. Particularly for the excuses.
Get mad about it, when you can. That's how we move on. And hold out for the guy who won't be a total idiot and take advantage of your friendship while keeping you at arm's length.
At 7:46 PM, March 26, 2006,
Anonymous said…
Today, I was musing on how poetry and law are interrelated (Wallace Stevens was a graduate of my law school), and if I may, I'll take on the role of W.H. Auden and share my musings on "Law like Love" (the simile, not the poem). T.S. Eliot thought of the poet as a catalyst for poetry, much like lawyers today are mere catalysts for their client's wishes and goals.
Actually, I think the society's preference is for lawyers to be sponges, soaking up the goals of our clients, only to be wrung out at the end of the legal procedings. Its no wonder we are conflicted souls; in the American advocacy system, we are the id of our client, constantly striving against the superego rule of law to acheive the best possible result. Hmmm...forgive my juridical ramblings: back to the sponges.
We can be sponges in romantic relationships (or relationships in which romance is the objective) as well, soaking up everything about the other person to fill holes in ourselves that could and should be filled with other meaningful activities and objectives. When our love is lost, we're just bone dry shells without much substance. I don't know what it is about unrequited love that tends to dessicate our souls, but I find that the more you fill yourself up with other worthwhile things in your life, the less empty you feel. How's that for a truism?
Perhaps I just have a more stoic outlook on life, but for some reason the great Stoic philosopher Epictetus resonates with me when he says "Never say about anything, 'I have lost it', only 'I have given it back'". Though he was not speaking specifically about love, I think it is apropos. The more fulfilling your life is apart from romance, the less a love lost will pain you. Our best laid plans, in life and and love, do "gang aft aglay".
At 2:08 AM, March 27, 2006,
Jennifer said…
FYI, the second time I watched that movie (When Harry Met Sally)... it was with the director's commentary feature on. Yes, it's pathetic.
The good news? God blessed me through and through yesterday at church. It was very encouraging and I felt immense JOY and PEACE. Earlier in the week, I'd had this sudden urge to attend another nearby church in addition to my own. Well, I did. It was awesome. I ran into a couple who used to go to my church, and the husband is now the youth pastor. His wife, Katie, has a gorgeous new baby that I got to play with and "aww" at. She also lost a shoe and drank from her bottle. Haha. Oddly enough, I had always wanted to get to know them better! The (female) pastor at the service I attended gave a message that really spoke to me. It was all about letting go and giving up control to God.
After that, I went to the later service at my church and also really felt His hand. A couple I hadn't seen in a long time sat next to me. They are absolutely delightful, and the husband works in television also. We were discussing our feelings of loneliness in El Paso without our longtime friends and family. Then they mentioned the possibility of starting a small group/Bible study. And I thought, "That's it!" And immediately, I felt the urgency of witnessing/supporting the people that I work with. So I think that's what God has for me next!
Way too many cool things happened to me yesterday!
Although this situation with the guy is still going to be challenging, I feel like the Lord is sustaining me. I CAN get through this, and I CAN be a woman of noble character and grace through Jesus!
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