some of them want to use you
So, I had two separate scenarios crop up this week as a result of my forays into the dating world. (I would say this whole foray thing was all for the purposes of observation, but I'm a really bad liar.)
Scenario 1: The 35-year-old. After I politely declined to accompany him to his apartment at 11:30 p.m. after our first date, he cooled off considerably, and now I believe I am getting what is referred to as "the brush-off." My friend Brandon has said before that secular 30-something men, far from wanting to settle down, just want sex. I'm beginning to believe him.
Scenario 2: The grad student. On our second time out, this funny, skilled conversationalist informed me that a.) he's in his mid-30s, b.) he's still in love with a woman with whom it will never work out and c.) he's recently started dating someone else, but that he finds me delightful and enjoys my company. He also told me a few things that he's dealing with in his personal life. The past few days he's proceeded to invite me to spend large amounts of one-on-one, datelike time with him. Oh, and he's way too touchy-feely, close-huggy for his declarations of looking on me as a student or a little sister.
Does any of this seem absurd to anyone else? On the one hand, there's a guy who wants to use me for my body. On the other, there's a guy who wants to use me for my goodness and company. Neither of them appears to want to put any effort into actually dating me. And both make me feel, to different degrees, like crap. (Or just weirded out.)
It annoys me that rejection or pseudo-rejection from these deficient men hurts me. That even though they have problems that make them much less than what I'm looking for, I still feel like I'm the one who's not good enough, who's lacking something, who drives the men away once they get in close. Like in Scenario 1, I come in this great package but my spirit and being are undesirable, and if he catches a glimpse of who I am, he leaves. Or in Scenario 2, I'm just not quite good enough to be wanted, body or soul; but he'll use my friendship for something that feels a little weird, uncomfortable, and complicated.
And screw that. It's all lies. I don't know why women are so vulnerable to them. I don't know why I am.
But I want much more than that; so I'm taking myself off their markets. Will I still go out with a guy who asks me, if he's not overtly horrible? Yes. Absolutely. This has been fun, stretching, outside my zone of comfort. A source of learning. But I'll be a little more attuned to the kind of guy who just wants a piece of ass. Because that can never go anywhere good.
Lessons learned!
Scenario 1: The 35-year-old. After I politely declined to accompany him to his apartment at 11:30 p.m. after our first date, he cooled off considerably, and now I believe I am getting what is referred to as "the brush-off." My friend Brandon has said before that secular 30-something men, far from wanting to settle down, just want sex. I'm beginning to believe him.
Scenario 2: The grad student. On our second time out, this funny, skilled conversationalist informed me that a.) he's in his mid-30s, b.) he's still in love with a woman with whom it will never work out and c.) he's recently started dating someone else, but that he finds me delightful and enjoys my company. He also told me a few things that he's dealing with in his personal life. The past few days he's proceeded to invite me to spend large amounts of one-on-one, datelike time with him. Oh, and he's way too touchy-feely, close-huggy for his declarations of looking on me as a student or a little sister.
Does any of this seem absurd to anyone else? On the one hand, there's a guy who wants to use me for my body. On the other, there's a guy who wants to use me for my goodness and company. Neither of them appears to want to put any effort into actually dating me. And both make me feel, to different degrees, like crap. (Or just weirded out.)
It annoys me that rejection or pseudo-rejection from these deficient men hurts me. That even though they have problems that make them much less than what I'm looking for, I still feel like I'm the one who's not good enough, who's lacking something, who drives the men away once they get in close. Like in Scenario 1, I come in this great package but my spirit and being are undesirable, and if he catches a glimpse of who I am, he leaves. Or in Scenario 2, I'm just not quite good enough to be wanted, body or soul; but he'll use my friendship for something that feels a little weird, uncomfortable, and complicated.
And screw that. It's all lies. I don't know why women are so vulnerable to them. I don't know why I am.
But I want much more than that; so I'm taking myself off their markets. Will I still go out with a guy who asks me, if he's not overtly horrible? Yes. Absolutely. This has been fun, stretching, outside my zone of comfort. A source of learning. But I'll be a little more attuned to the kind of guy who just wants a piece of ass. Because that can never go anywhere good.
Lessons learned!
posted by The Prufroquette @ 9:46 PM
6 Comments:
At 5:31 AM, June 03, 2006,
Jennifer said…
Unfortunately, we are smart women who don't need a piece of ass. We also don't waste time on men who are not bright enough to see who we really are, and how much we have to offer compared to the bimbo who can't spell her name and digs for gold. Or the terribly plain girls who never say ANYTHING interesting.
Although I have a hard time believing this occasionally, I think it's true that 'tis better to be single and happy than married and miserable.
Keep on trucking! Our Father God loves us perfectly, and in a way that no man ever will. We've got that reassurance!
At 10:45 AM, June 03, 2006,
la persona said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:48 AM, June 03, 2006,
la persona said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:48 AM, June 03, 2006,
la persona said…
You POLITELY declined!?!?!?!?!?!
Honey, someone doesn't invite you to his apartment at midnight on the second date and you politely decline. You gotta set the record straight: I am NOT that kind of girl!
For me, I like to avoid those awkward conversations by beating them to it. For instance, recently I went out on a "date" to nowhere with a long-time fellow boxer in celebration of some recent triumphs. Over unlimited chips at Don Pablo's, I cut right to the chase: "Look, buddy, if you think you're getting lucky tonight, you might as well call it a night, because you're not getting a thing. Sorry, man, but that's just not what I do." I do variations of this half-serious, half-joking declaration with almost every guy I go out with alone. Sure, it's awkward, and my friends tell me I'm going to scare away any potential suitors, but hey, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. There's no way I'm bending on my limits, and if he doesn't like it, too bad for him. At least he can make an informed decision up front.
Another time, years ago, my ex and I were standing on his front doorstep after our first "date". It was late and he had that "look" in his eye. "Uh oh," I thought, "He's going to try to kiss me." In a panic, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind: "Look, I don't want to kiss you, you ugly buffoon." He looked a little taken aback for a moment, and then burst out laughing. "Well, that's good," he said, "Because I don't want to kiss you either!" We had a good laugh and went on our way, and that was that. To his credit, that awkward moment never happened again, and yet still he stuck around as though nothing had changed.
Looking back, I think I was the one who got lucky that night. So, please, none of this politeness crap. Just tell it how it is, and the good ones will respect you all the more for it.
At 9:21 PM, June 08, 2006,
Abbie G said…
I went on this really late night walk with this guy my freshman year of college on the assumption that company was the only thing he was looking for. I ended up repeatedly saying to him (in that somewhat joking tone), "I mean it, no seducing me." He still tried reeeeaaaaaallly hard to "seduce" me - or atleast to kiss me - and thank the Lord I didn't even begin to go that direction, because I found out the next day that pretty much every girl he knows has been there. He is a total flirt and comes on to every woman in sight, apparently. But yeah. Sometimes you have to say "No. No seduction, no affection. Buh-bye now."
Good luck w/ that, all.
At 3:19 PM, June 12, 2006,
Dawn said…
Funny, all the men I know in their late 30s are all definitely more of the "let's settle down" than "let's get it on" type.
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