on pining
Here's this thing I've been noticing in my gentleman friends lately. They are far more prone to pining over "that one girl" with whom it didn't/couldn't/shouldn't work out than are most of the girls I've known.
I have some hypotheses about this, but nothing conclusive. Girls can be badly broken, and take a long time to heal (it's taken me almost six years since my last bad burn to get up the gumption to start dating again), but I've never pined for the guy that burned me. I've despised him, actually. And I've moved on.
I can't actually think of any guy I've ever liked, had a crush on, or a brush of romance with, about whom I still think, "He was IT." Now, there are some that I think, "If we run into each other again, maybe something could happen," but that's all hypothetical and fun daydreaming. I haven't set my heart on the shelf next to someone else's that I can't have.
And I don't know of any girls that do. If we pine for someone, it's in the present/future sense. "If only he weren't dating her," or "Maybe someday he'll realize how awesome I am," or, "I'll get to know him and hope that eventually it works out." Oh yes, I definitely do that. But look on a past relationship and wish I could have him back? No.
But my guy friends do this continuously. It's like, once a guy has committed himself, he's thrown his whole being into it, and wants it to be forever, and when it's not, it's difficult to regroup. Whereas women like myself are more willing to commit, but there's always some reservation, or a resilience, that allows us to bounce back and commit to someone else.
I've talked to a couple of guys lately who have said, "I really enjoy your company, but I'm still in love with this other girl, even though we're not together and probably won't ever be again."
I'm certainly not complaining -- hanging out with a guy who's unavailable to serious commitment makes for a comfortable, lighthearted friendship (and who knows what the future holds?). It's just an observation. I don't think girls pine away after a man in the past as much as we're stereotyped to do. I think guys actually tend to do that more.
It makes for interesting gender relationships.
I have some hypotheses about this, but nothing conclusive. Girls can be badly broken, and take a long time to heal (it's taken me almost six years since my last bad burn to get up the gumption to start dating again), but I've never pined for the guy that burned me. I've despised him, actually. And I've moved on.
I can't actually think of any guy I've ever liked, had a crush on, or a brush of romance with, about whom I still think, "He was IT." Now, there are some that I think, "If we run into each other again, maybe something could happen," but that's all hypothetical and fun daydreaming. I haven't set my heart on the shelf next to someone else's that I can't have.
And I don't know of any girls that do. If we pine for someone, it's in the present/future sense. "If only he weren't dating her," or "Maybe someday he'll realize how awesome I am," or, "I'll get to know him and hope that eventually it works out." Oh yes, I definitely do that. But look on a past relationship and wish I could have him back? No.
But my guy friends do this continuously. It's like, once a guy has committed himself, he's thrown his whole being into it, and wants it to be forever, and when it's not, it's difficult to regroup. Whereas women like myself are more willing to commit, but there's always some reservation, or a resilience, that allows us to bounce back and commit to someone else.
I've talked to a couple of guys lately who have said, "I really enjoy your company, but I'm still in love with this other girl, even though we're not together and probably won't ever be again."
I'm certainly not complaining -- hanging out with a guy who's unavailable to serious commitment makes for a comfortable, lighthearted friendship (and who knows what the future holds?). It's just an observation. I don't think girls pine away after a man in the past as much as we're stereotyped to do. I think guys actually tend to do that more.
It makes for interesting gender relationships.
posted by The Prufroquette @ 8:47 AM
9 Comments:
At 11:46 AM, May 31, 2006,
la persona said…
I would make a very good guy. It's been almost 2 years now, and I'm still pining. Wasn't it on Sex and the City that Charlotte declared matter-of-factly, "It takes you have as long to get over someone as than when you went out with them." B.S., I say! When you truly care about someone, I don't think it matters how long it's been since you were together. Love -- if it's really true -- isn't like some switch that you can turn on-and-off at will. As a girl, I may not fall easily in love, but when I do, I fall hard. And isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
Maybe that's why I have chosen not to participate in the point-counting revelies of the season. I take my heart way too seriously to throw it around for a couple of cheap points in what I perceive to be a rather pointless exercise in male husbandry. Then again, my personal belief in soul mates may set the standard just a little high.
Yes, there comes a point when we SHOULD move on and not love so much anymore, so that there is room for someone else. I know that. But sometimes it is just so hard... I swear, the next time I love someone, it will be for good, because there is no WAY I am putting myself through this again.
Thus spoke la persona.
At 12:11 PM, May 31, 2006,
The Prufroquette said…
Ach, yes, that's hard.
What I like about the point system is that it's giving me incentive to shake up my life a little. I've been screaming with boredom and sameness lately, with seemingly no way out of the blank-walled institution. This gives me a little boost so that when a guy asks me out, I'm more inclined to say "Yes!" than to hedge and wonder whether he's The One (although I don't believe in only one "The One" as we've talked about before). Unless he's really creepy or obviously a jerk, it's been fun to go out and have a nice time.
I'm beginning to get the whole dating thing. And it's fun. It livens up the dull monotony of everyday office life, gives you something to look forward to on the weekends.
Anyway, I wasn't saying that pining is a weakness, or negative, or bad. I just don't understand it. Maybe it's that reserve I mentioned, where I've never really let anyone have my heart. I like people a lot, but I don't trust them easily. So I've never been completely in love, or completely loved, any guy.
I think there are trade-offs with either scenario.
At 12:19 PM, May 31, 2006,
none said…
wow, la persona... I don't think anyone is throwing their hearts away over some cheap points... it's just all in good fun, to encourage us to shake things up a bit. The only thing this challenge has changed is to push me to come out of my shell a little.. it certainly doens't mean that I'm suddenly seeking cheap thrills over the real deal. I can't speak for everyone of course, but to me, the points or the "winner" is irrelevant... the possible outcome of me meeting new people and seeking out fun is the real goal.
Now back to the original topic, I don't tend to pine for the past, but I also haven't ever been in love, so I suppose that's subject to change. :)
At 1:04 PM, May 31, 2006,
la persona said…
Whoa! Talk about instantaneous feedback :).
I guess a restatement is in order: By no means do I condemn the challenge that the fab females are participating (and in fact, I helped create). For the most part, it does seem to be a fairly harmless and fun way to put yourselves out there for a change.
My quibble is not universal, therefore, but personal. At first, I was planning to play along - and had even scored a few times - when a friend reminded me that 1) I will be moving to Mexico in less than 3 months, and 2) I hope to go to grad school after that -- so what's the point? At this stage in my life, I am simply unprepared and unwilling to commit to anyone until these dreams have been accomplished, so any dates -- however flattering -- would only serve to distract. Right now, I don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of top-priority items 1 or 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5, for that matter)... so I'll be playing it safe this year. There's more to my abstention than that, but hopefully it should be reason enough.
In short, there's nothing inherently wrong with the FF Challenge -- but it is not right for everyone all the time. For those of you who are the right girl at the right time, however, I wish you the best!
At 1:10 PM, May 31, 2006,
none said…
Okay. :)
At 1:21 PM, May 31, 2006,
la persona said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 1:35 PM, May 31, 2006,
la persona said…
Hmm, looking at the list more carefully, it seems that only about a quarter of the items relate to the opposite sex. I wonder if I could still carry the day with the other 75% ... it's better than pining, for sure :-)
At 3:38 PM, May 31, 2006,
Marianne said…
The whole idea behind the FF summer challenge was not to "score" with the opposite sex, but to use a fun and frivolous summer tournament as an excuse to try new things and make new friends. Also, the challenge had several coda that warned players not to "use" people to garner points. That would be dumb.
At 7:49 PM, May 31, 2006,
la persona said…
Again, my bad. I must have misinterpreted the intent of the contest . . . if that's all it is, then that's great. Count me in!
More about my initial hesitation in my next post, unrelated to the challenge itself.
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