mea culpa

I don't think the pills are working right.

For the past few weeks now, I've been in a black mood. I've felt edgy, irritable, generally pissed off. I'm beginning to wonder if it's chemical and it's time to recheck the meds...yet again. This will necessitate a long drive up to Ann Arbor for decent medical care, given my heinous track record with the doctors around where I live. But oh well. Health is worth it.

But it's not like I don't have control over how I act -- how often have I said that action matters more than emotion? -- and I've been letting myself yield to the ugliness instead of overcoming it with good.

Mainly I'm writing this to a.) ask for prayer; God knows I need it, and b.) state publicly that I've been out of line the past few weeks with my harsh responses to other people[particularly David]'s comments. There's a way to disagree diplomatically, with Christlike consideration and maturity, and a way to disagree nastily and judgmentally, with an eye on being rude. I've been doing the latter lately. And I've been wrong.

The rest of you, my dears, have been much better at it than I have. I'm glad you've been a balancing act to my reactivity.

Please do pray, though. I'm getting tired of myself. And as I have a high tolerance for me, and it's worn thin, I can't imagine how icky I'm being to everyone else.

withstanding my kryptonite

I was thinking a little more on the Science Girl's post on progress, which led to thoughts about the growth I've undergone in relation to men in the past couple of years, and one facet in particular could lead to a discussion, so here we are.

I have a "type." I'm pretty sure we all do. It's not just a physical type -- height, weight, eye color, hair color, facial structure, etc. -- that a person finds attractive; it's that personality type too. And unfortunately, in my case, that type is rather extremely unhealthy for me.

And he's the only kind of guy with whom I feel "sparks." He's internally tormented, philosophical, well-read, intelligent, half sweet, half jerk, self-absorbed, and very, very needy. These are the guys to whom I'm immediately drawn, without fail. This fatal attraction has caused me a lot of unnecessary grief over the years, but it's only within the past two that I've recognized it.

There are many reasons why this is the kind of guy with whom I fall head-over-heels in love. A lot of it has to do with conditioning. I was born a "gifted" child -- and this term relates not to IQ but to Alice Miller's definition in The Drama of the Gifted Child -- "gifted" in her terminology denotes a child who has an innate receptivity to the feelings and needs of others, and who generally serves as an emotional support for those others, often to his or her own detriment. I've often jokingly referred to myself as "Sarah the Confessor" -- I literally can't stand in the checkout line without someone around me turning to me and pouring out his or her woes. Another one my family calls me is "Sarah the Caretaker" -- I often spend over half an hour on the phone at work with potential clients, listening to their troubles and offering sympathy, and that's just one common example. This isn't complaining (I very seldom mind); nor is it bragging (it's not something I asked for or earned, and it's equal parts blessing and curse); it simply is.

While it isn't often a problem in my general relationships, I have had to learn to scale it back, and with large amounts of success; but I have an incredibly difficult time finding any kind of balance when it's a man I'm in love with ("in love" as distinguished from "love" -- "in love" being all the butterflies, passion, giddiness, ultra-charged sense of aliveness, etc.), and I have a harder time setting any personal boundaries. And this kind of guy is usually pretty screwed up, so all of my energy is spent taking care of him, trying to solve his problems, giving him emotional support, striving to make his life better, all the while exhausting myself and paying no attention to my own psychological health.

Of course I can never make his life better or fix his problems, but his need never diminishes, and I get burned out, and it ends up going nowhere. But bring the next guy of this type along and I'm at it again. The last time it happened, two years ago, was the worst, and it set me on a serious thinking journey. I decided that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend it with a man who needs constant mothering and spends most of his time gazing into his navel. My family and friends supported this decision wholeheartedly.

Making a decision doesn't mean the temptation, or the attraction, is gone, however, which has made me increasingly cautious with the men I meet, and extremely critical of childish tendencies (sometimes overkill, but I have to fight so hard against myself that I ricochet in the opposite direction). I know my own weaknesses, but I'm not always sure how successfully I can overcome them. This is why, too, when the question of "settling" came up I found myself an advocate of the idea -- because it's going to take a little fanning to make a tiny little spark a fire with the kind of man who is actually good for me. My type has the flame roaring in an instant, but I shouldn't have him; so I have to watch for the smaller sparks, and maybe work a little harder to get the fire going. For whatever reason, the strong, good men don't always do it for me, but that's the kind of man I intellectually want, and the kind of man I need. That's the sensible match.

I've seen a lot of people who have bad types, fatal attractions of their own, and it's not just the gals. I see a lot of really nice, good, thoughtful, kind, decent men wind up with the most horrible shrews a person can imagine. So it makes me wonder, why is that?

What about you? What kind of a "type" do you fall for effortlessly? Is the type good for you or bad for you? How has it impacted your dating/married life? What kind of challenges come with your type, even if it's a good type? If it's a bad type, how have you seen yourself grow to compensate for your natural inclinations? What are the most effective strategies?

Please tell!

(FWIW, I didn't want to post this on the front page, I wanted to post it as a comment in the men vs. boys post, below, but I haven't been able to get the comment form to work in the last day and a half - stupid Zambian internet connection. Anyway - some of my thoughts below aren't stated as kindly as I would like them to come across, but I've stared at what I've written too many times now. I ask you to forgive me for not coming across softer, maybe after some time off I'll be a little better of a brother to you again, who knows.)

You know, I've been here for a couple years, at least, but I think I've pretty much had it. I'm not saying I won't be back someday, but I'm taking a long-term vacation from FF for my own sanity's sake.

I've weathered a lot of criticism from more than a couple of you on this site, and I think I've tried to stay pretty gracious about it, for the most part. I've tried to contribute a view from the less fairer sex, and time and time again I've had it thrown back in my face, sometimes subtly, sometimes not so. So here's some parting thoughts.

Generalizations. This is an incredibly important thing to understand: negatively generalizing any group of people inherently devalues certain members of the group that don't posess the traits common to the majority of said group. The same works in reverse, but don't kid yourself - this blog does a hell of a lot more of the former. I know - I've read it from the start. Here's some generalizations on women:

- Women talk too much. Gossip is far more common in women then men.
- Women let their emotions control themselves too much.
- Women use or withhold sex to get what they want.
- Women are more insecure and needy than men.
- Women blame men for all of their problems.

How does that make you feel?

Quit lumping me, and thousands of other decent, imperfect, Christian guys into the general category of all men, who play too many video games, drink too much beer, and are only interested in women for sex. Its literally dehumanizing to men who play video games and drink beer in moderation (or not at all), men who value women for their God-given qualities, physical, emotional, psychological, et. al., and are trying to protect their purity. Don't judge all men on your tiny, probably less-than-perfect dating history. And don't think for a second that you'll quit generalizing once you meet your special someone - its not a habit you can turn on and off like a light switch, and it will damage your relationship, should you ever meet him.

Stop assuming you can fix men. You can't. There's something wrong with every last one of us, even your precious Tyler Perry, as much as I hate to break it to you. The rather satisfying thing about that fact is that there's something wrong with every one of you too (and *that* statement about either sex is *not* a generalization). Stop thinking you're going to find the man who doesn't play video games, who doesn't want to spend an entire Sunday afternoon watching football, or who doesn't have some other means of enjoyment that you don't find the least bit interesting. Don't expect him to plop down next to you and pull out the needles every time you feel like knitting with a cup of tea. Try appreciating what you have in common, and what you don't, for a change. 80/20, anyone?

I can't tell you ladies how often I've been made to feelknow, thanks to careless words, that I'm not one of the few and far between. That's what we're all looking for in a life mate, as well we should, but the endless harping on the fact that you're pretty sure 99.9% of guys aren't up to par with what you'd prefer all men to be like, well it would take quite the narcissit to assume he's in the 0.1%. I certainly know I'm not anyone's Mr. Right, that much is clear. If I've made it this far without settling down with someone, there must be something horribly wrong with me. Guess what! There is. Its called sin, and its very contagious. You might want to wash your hands.

Stop blaming your singleness on men. Sure, its at least half our fault, but the point is that the constant and complete acquittal of yourselves in the overall process is self-righteous and a huge turn-off. Define hypocritical: reading about how passive the male sex is on the same blog I read about women bemoaning their Friday nights at home in their sweats. If cultural roles are changing, and men are getting more passive, the answer isn't to bitch about it, the answer is to positively be counter-cultural, and to encourage godly men to do the same, rather than assume none of us can or will. Wake up. And another thing - none of you will ever know how hard it is for a guy to walk up and start talking to a strange girl, whether its at church or in a bar. I wish more than anything that I could make you all feel that accute apprehension for just one second. Quit thinking we have it so easy.

Its important to know your self worth, and what a wonderful and awesome creature of God you are. Its also important to have enough humility to realize that you might not be all that fabulous, all the time, after all. I've said it time and again, life isn't about finding the right peron, life is about becoming the right person.

I'm still working on becoming that person. I'm a responsible adult, who has been paying the loans and bills on time every single month of the 8 years since college. I've held a professional position the sum total of that time as well. I've done well enough that I've been able to go on half of my salary for the better part of a year in order to do charity work in 3rd world Africa, and still keep plugging the 401k and the savings accounts. I'm clean-cut, well-dressed, in excellent physical condition, have a healthy diet, and am well-mannered. I've been heavily involved with my church and family in my spare time, and I have sought continue my education informally as much as possible - I've learned the basics of 3 new languages in the last 2 years and am working on a 4th, and I'm abreast of the latest politics, theology, science, and industry knowledge and news. My hobbies include photography, drawing, reading, writing, sculpting, and playing guitar / piano. I tithe at my church, I pay my taxes, I give to charity and volunteer in the local homeless shelter regularly. I enjoy driving after a goal, leading teams, and making tough decisions, and I have an often overly-aggressive competitive nature. And I can stop and laugh about everything above and more, and I try to make a point to do that every day, in one way or another. And I'm still working on becoming that person.

This is the type of man that your current mentality has driven off, today. If you want the kind that you're whining about all of us being, here's a hint: keep up the whining. You'll find guys who are content to sit and agree with you in bemoaning the state of their sex, instead of getting out there and living a life that shines in the darkness.

Pause long enough to consider the possibility that some of the stuff I've outlined above might be tantamount to doing yourselves a disservice. I know its driven this immature, passive, less-than masculine man away.

Consider it an inexpensive lesson, I guess.

for now

I love the discussions on this blog -- the endless theorizing is entertaining, and I enjoy most of the varying perspectives we see here.

Lately it's just theorizing -- I'm still single, I still want to be married, I still want a family, and that still looks to be a long way off, given the givens -- but I don't mind it as much. I'm finding a church home for the first time in seven years, I'm finding ways to be involved, I'm making a new friend or two in the process, and I'm seeing places where I can be of some use to people around me. It's not going to replace the goal of marriage, certainly, but the grief and the ache of being single have eased these last few months. I'm grateful for the respite, for as long as it lasts.

Things are never perfect, but my dad used to tell me to look at the overall progress -- to view my life like a line graph. As long as the line is going up, he's say, you're making progress. And that's good.

Some of the biggest challenges I have faced over the past four years have related primarily to budgeting and money management, and to coming to a healthy balance in my social life. I'm happy with where I've come in the last year in particular -- I see significant progress in financial responsibility (I'm a spendthrift at heart -- I buy lots of cheap things rather than a few expensive things -- I have that much Scots in me), and tendrils of growth in the making of more friends (which is something of a challenge in my small town where I'm one of the only young people I know).

This year I'd like to waste less time watching movies and TV on DVD -- an exceptionally easy thing to do when I come home from work drained and exhausted and I just want some brain candy -- and focus more on my writing and my reading. I've built quite a collection of books since I was a little kid, and I still haven't read about half of them.

Moving to Michigan has been a jarring kind of experience -- not in a bad way. But I've remembered, after living two and a half years in South Bend and knowing a lot of people by default and being able to find things to do, that I'm rather severely shy and have a hard time talking comfortably with people I don't know -- people I'm looking to befriend, that is, not entertain in the grocery checkout line during the fifteen minute waiting period. I might have learned to disguise my introversion since college, and I can turn on that charm (yes, I do have charm! just don't get me talking about church problems and gender issues) and that laughing energy in an instant and fool all the strangers at the party into thinking I'm this extravagantly extroverted woman without a care in the world, and I'm not faking exactly; that facade is really part of who I am -- like a beetle's exoskeleton is part of who (what) it is. But there's a soft and squishy underneath, and it makes me internally reserved.

And here, where I live now, there aren't any sophisticated parties where I can be funny and charming and make myself forget that I'm usually terrified of people my age. There aren't any parties at all. So I get to know people by running into them on an individual basis, over and over again, since this is an exceedingly small town. And I've never really known how to relate to the vast majority of my generation -- I get along better with the forty-plus crowd. So trying to expand my social horizons has become less effortless and more a quest for a few true friends (I treasure the ones I already have, mind you) in my area. Church is the most sensible outlet I can think of at the moment. It's a good stretching experience; one of my worst tendencies is to isolate myself either because I'm depressed or lazy or prefer not to be bothered. Having to attend church every week has goaded me back into the realm of humanity.

I know eventually my singleness will make me sad again, but I'm hoping to build enough of a good life here that I can fall back on it when those rough days come -- and that means investing, not only in my writing, but in people.

I have two great passions: Art and children. And there are plenty of kids around here who need an adult's mentorship, and plenty of room for the community to offer it.

I don't know. Everything is changing. I love that it is. There's a lot to think about besides my own loneliness, and a lot to do, which is even better than the thinking sometimes. And because the progress is slow, I think the change will be more lasting.

It's good.

Men or Boys?

Here are two articles claiming guys are delaying their maturity in favor for video games. Agree or disagree??

http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_1_single_young_men.html

http://chronicle.com/review/brainstorm/fendrich/just-hangin-forever-dude

Personally, I love this line:

Did the liberation of our daughters mean young men would become so creepy that they’d have to go through life alone?

And this one:

In the almost half-century since the arrival of the pill, the burden of hearth and home (that is, of society’s having enough stable ones), is falling once again on young women. They’re the ones who are going to have to demand better, more mature, more responsible, yes, even more sanitary conduct on the part of the new horde of child-men before they have anything serious — especially sex — to do with them. Perhaps a mandatory study of Lysistrata, where women could learn about collective female power when sex is withheld, is in order. Otherwise, they’re condemned to trying to find suitable candidates for love and marriage amid the trash of a beer-sodden NFL pizza party.

the new 80/20

I heart Tyler Perry. I watch almost all of his films, even though I can recite the basic formula by heart: high-class girl gets dumped by her accomplished but abusive partner and is subsequently won over by a dashing Christian man (albeit in a blue collar) who shows her how beautiful she really is. I fall for it everytime, down to the final scene when the evil ex begs her to return and she says you´re forgiven, but no. In between, there´s always a good helping of slapstick comedy and couple of old-time homilies that make for terrific theater viewing. And you know it´s got to be good when it´s banned in Europe!

One of Perry´s more recent additions is last year´s Why Did I Get Married? Have you seen it? Based on the marital woes of four couples, Perry introduces the 80/20 rule: Any relationship is characterized by ¨80 percent fulfillment, 20 percent lack thereof. But if you go after that 20 percent by looking for it in someone else, the characters agree, you´ll lose the 80 and end up living only with the 20¨ (from Pluggedinonline). With one exception, all of the couples decide to stick it out after listing all of the good points of their partner and realizing that they outnumbered the bad.

Whether or not you can take the low ratings and the equally lowbrow message, I wonder if Perry has a point - a new twist on the whole settling question. Basically, no matter how long we pledge not to settle, no matter how long we hold out for ¨the one,¨ no one can meet ALL of our needs. Whether we are in a relationship or looking for one, 80% may be the best we´ll ever get. Even later in the film, Perry suggests that even 51% is good enough. Whatever the percentage, it´s something worth considering.

Do you agree with the concept? What is your 80 and your 20, and when do you know if a partner or suitor has crossed the line?

And does anyone else here concur that Tyler Perry is just awesome? (And unbelievably single yet too! Ladies, there´s hope :)