Backfired Plans

So I attempted Marianne's challenge to meet and interact with people. Last night I went for a cup of Chai at my favorite local coffee shop. It's a mom and pop kind of place, usually filled to the brim with college students from UTEP. Armed with my classic Coach tote, an issue of Cosmo, and not much else - I sat down to read and watch Monday night football on the plasma TV. The owner attends my church and we had a nice little chat. Then a man who looked at least 45 approached me. At first, I thought he just wanted to take one of the chairs at my table. But that's not what he wanted. The guy introduced himself and asked me "if I wanted to have a conversation." I told him I was a bit busy.. trying to decline. For the rest of the time there, I couldn't bear myself to look in his direction. He was playing chess by himself? So he's old enough to be my father, not attractive, and had an accent that I had an extremely difficult time understanding. Not that I mean to be rude, but I feel utterly uncomfortable around men that I have no interest in - but like me. Does that make sense? If he were closer to my age I might have been flattered. But with this person - just creeped out. Why is he hitting on someone half his age? Is this bitchy behavior? I'm not quite sure. I feel guilty turning down guys sometimes, but they're all males that are totally unappealing to me.
I don't want to date a man if I am positive that there wouldn't be any sparks on my end. In the long run, they're better off not being lead on to think that I'm interested. Where can we draw the line between having realistic standards and being overly picky?? I honestly don't feel I hold men to impossibly high standards, but I'm beginning to wonder why I never have mutual feelings for my 'admirers.' Am I attracting the wrong kind of males, or am I attracted to all the wrong ones?

Guys in Uniform

A few years ago I flew into Baltimore to visit a friend. I was kind of annoyed that my return flight left at 6 a.m. However, when I walked into the terminal I noticed something not so bad. There were literally HUNDREDS of guys around my age walking around - and all of them were sailors. I don't know about you all, but I like men in uniform. They are the ultimate of the "clean-cut" variety. It was in early June, and they were about to be shipped off for summer assignments. God must have been rooting for me that day, because I ended up eating breakfast with two sailors. One of them was really cute, and single! Why didn't we exchange information? In hindsight, I should have given him my email address. He went to the NAVAL ACADEMY. Sigh. Hopefully, you'll enjoy this.

http://www.ehow.com/how_6900_pick-sailor.html

Thanksgiving Guide for Singles

In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I thought I'd post some helpful info I found in a MSN article...

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5384&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=7&GT1=7350

Take it with you for snappy comebacks to nosy relatives.

Step 1: Admitting you have a problem

This entry is somewhat difficult to write, because I don't like to publicly talk about really personal items. On the other hand I'm trying to be honest with myself - and that means to everyone. Some of this is inspiration from my high school friend Melissa. She really lays out EVERYTHING about herself in her blog. No censorship, just the truth and all of it - even if it's brutal. Like Marianne, I too, am suffering from a "singleness funk." There is also a situation in my own life that I'm struggling with and have been unsure of how to handle. I have feelings for someone, and it's pretty obvious that those feelings aren't mutual. I SO want to move on, but that little part of me keeps saying, "Maybe there's hope. Don't miss your chance." But I know that I need to move on... I just haven't been able to.
Please keep me (and other young women like) in your prayers. Lately, I feel like my attitude toward my current situation in life is really poor. It's been about four years since my one and only romantic relationship, and for the 18 years before that I'd never even gone on a date. In ever instance that I've been interested in someone, things don't fare well. Okay, HORRIBLE. Literally, I have enough bizarre, ironic tales to fill up several books you'd find in the dating/self help section of Barnes & Noble. One time I met a guy for coffee, and they ended up ditching me for the girlfriend I brought with me as a buffer zone. My ex-boyfriend, I really should have broken up with him a few weeks into the relationship when I found another girl sitting in his lap. Then there was the one I thought was so amazing and cool who turned out to be creepy had been engaged to a twice-divorced OLD woman. (He also had dated his 40 year old Bible study leader, but that's another story) Let's also not forget the first guy I got to know in college. After becoming friends, everyone thought we were dating for awhile. I thought it would only be a matter of time before we were "an item." But we never dated, he just dated every girl I knew except for me.
As you can see I have not had very successful personal life in my 23 years of existing on this Earth. It's time like this when I think I will never meet anyone, love anyone, share myself with anyone. And frankly, it sucks. Why do guys flock to girls who are either 1) complete bitches who will step all over them and wipe them away like gum on the bottom of their stilettos or 2) nice girls who are totally uninteresting. This is a widespread epidemic. I know all of these guys, and I know all of those types of girls (they all have boyfriends). Yet the really amazing women always seem to go unnoticed.
My friend Margy is a great example of a wonderful young lady. She is gorgeous, smart, a strong Christian, hilarious, and tons of fun - the ultimate in "cool girls." Why is she going home alone every night? You want me to name names? I will! Jillian, Melissa, Danielle, Marianne, Kelly, Shauna, Lauren, Susan, Sarah, Kristy, Mindy, Corinne, Jade, Annie, Margy, Megan. Those are just off the top of my head. Guys who are reading, take note! These are the kind of women you should be dreaming of. Not the ones you keep going after.
I'm embarrassed to tell anybody what I really want. It's rare that I talk much about a guy if I'm really interested in him. He usually never knows, and we're usually friends. A small part of me thinks that if it's meant to be, he'll be drawn to me and will take the lead. So when that doesn't happen, I make excuses. You've probably all done this, too. "He doesn't realize that I like him, because if he did we'd be together." The truth is, that if he was at all into us - he'd make it clear. Yes, that concept is from He's Just Not That Into You. But I think that Greg Behrendt and Liz Truccolo were right in this instance. I'm not sure what to do. I don't really think I should be asking guys out, and pursuing them. Biblically, God made us all a certain way. He gave the leadership role to the dudes, and I understand that. But the guys out there, especially Christian men - just aren't asking me out.
To make a long story short, I want the whole package... the soulmate, the family, the love. Is that so wrong? We women can't change the way we were hard-wired. If you watch movies set in different time periods, love is almost always one of the bigger plotlines. Jane Austen films have lines like "You need to find a respectable husband who makes at least five thousand pounds a year." And here we are, hundreds of years later. We have high-paying jobs, houses, cars, freedom, independence, birth control, friends, night clubs, education, $500 strappy sandals, and artificial insemination. Of course, we still all want the same thing women without all those things have wanted since the beginning of time.. to love and be loved.
There are days like today, where I think I'm an involuntary 23 year old spinster. And I get pissed off. At all the guys that didn't like me back, and at the awful girls they chose instead of me. It almost feels like an insult. Am I an untouchable?
Everybody tells me that I am an extremely cool girl and friend, but I have a hard time believing it. Sure I'm a great person, but am I appreciated? Doesn't feel like it. So as a result, I'm not exactly what you'd call "confident."
But here goes. I'm a God-fearing, intelligent, engagingly fascinating, funny, witty, beautiful, nice, loyal, patient, passionate, ambitious, socially advanced, ethical, fiscally responsible woman. Great job, homeowner, no prison record, disease free, well-kept, well-dressed, classy. I can hang out with the guys and have a great time playing poker, video games, skiing, hiking, watching the game. I can hang out with other girls and bake cookies, make dinner, paint my nails, go shopping, babysit, dance the night away. I can install a new computer hard drive all by myself, or sit and listen to a friend's problem and offer advice. Although I love my career and hope to be successful, I'd change directions in a heartbeat if it was directed by my Lord. I make time for things that are important to me. I (so I've been told) have a good singing voice, but I rarely let anyone hear it. I'm the kind of person you want on your Trivial Pursuit team, and I scored a 1410 on my SAT's.
I encourage you all to tell the world how cool you really are. And believe it, because it's true. To all of you reading this (ladies AND gentlemen)... you are REQUIRED by ME to "comment" on this post with five fantastic qualities about yourself. So get started!

Male Pals

Last night I had a much overdue phone conversation with my old Grove City pal Mike Dhonau. We had some great times back in school, watching Joe Millionaire and Kodomo No Omocha. Early mornings at Eat'nPark. A slightly inebriated 21st birthday party (for him). Then, a nice chat and DVD codec software help from Jared - who's now a theology/divinity student at Duke. It really made me miss my friends. Not many guys measure up to the ones I have in my life, even if they are all on the other side of the country.
Now, I have seen When Harry Met Sally. I know all about the whole "men and women can't be friends" deal... and that "the sex always gets in the way." In some sense, I think that's true. When I know a guy who's single, I can't help but wonder all the what if's. However, I think that men have a lot to offer women on the friendship side. They have qualities and traits that one just doesn't get from female relationships. Good male friends can help us to see what a man with integrity, masculinity, and Godliness... looks like.
I do not have contact with any of the guys I've been involved with romantically. For me, those relations all broke up abruptly, with a lot of pain and hurt. We just can't keep in touch anymore due to those circumstances. When it comes to the great guys I am friends with, I'm glad they didn't fall into that category. Sometimes, I think, it IS better to "just be friends." You don't have to worry about having that awkward change that comes from breaking up with someone of the opposite sex.
No, I'm not saying that you shouldn't risk a friendship for more than that. But in my case, I just haven't felt a mutual spark with guy friends. All of mine, I'm so grateful to have them in my life. Even the married men I work with contribute to my being in a positive way. As for the single friends, they are totally awesome! Though they might not be right for me, I would gladly want them to date my female friends.
The guys I know are a part of who I am. They've helped me to become a better woman of God and value myself. They've taught me what to look for in a man. They're a blast to be around, and don't follow me to the restroom at restaurants. So to all the guys I'm friends with, Thank You!

in response to "Art Thou Bored" - article posted in comments to a post the other day.

i see what this article is saying and i can appreciate it for the motivation behind it, but i'm not sure i jive with it. who says that men are the only gender with wild spirits and a longing to do and take risks and adventures? and who says only women are looking for comfort, community, a place to belong? it's this sort of generalization of tendencies that can be dangerous.

from the perspective of a woman in ministry/church leadership i face similar problems on the other side of this same coin. the men in my church community are not disempowered. they are all men that have made the decision that God has called them to more than sitting in the pew on Sunday and doing nothing and they have ran after the call they've been given. the episcopal/anglican tradition which threenails is a part of put men first in church leadership. it is expected that if there is leadership in a church community that it is men for the most part. this is also in some ways true to the new emerging church culture which threenails is also a part of. i have found this to be the case across the board in the minds of many christians. "woman are not meant to be leaders. go back to the nursery and read children's bible stories." i am blessed to be a part of an episcopal diocese whose bishop values female leadership, and a church community that is made up of and growing strong Christian woman that desire to be more than wilting flowers in quilting circles. and those that still can't wrap their head around me being a woman and being a leader? well they're coming around.

i understand where the author of this article is coming from and believe me, i want the men in my community to be challenged and released to serve God in the way they think they're called. if the acutal mission of the church is to make long time members feel safe and comfortable then we've got problems. Christ never prayed that we would be comfortable. He prayed that we might have boldness and be protected from the evil one. so you'll excuse me if my sympathies don't completely lie with the oppressed men of congregations internationally. you feel oppressed guys? you feel God calling you to more? then STAND UP in the system and create change, or get the hell out and and start walking with the emerging generation of young leaders making up a people movement that is changing the way we understand church to be. church is not about comfort and quilting circles, and the institutionalized church is a monument being memorialized and dying. look at Scripture and decipher your charge, then follow it. no one's forcing you into apathy, repression, and a system of : behave, believe then belong.

Is it just me?

Perhaps it's just me, but I don't think it is. Ladies, seriously, is the quest for a good Christian man a myth - a fantasy? This guy seems to think so.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind50831.html
I'm pretty confused about the answer to that question. Now, I'm far from the "anti-dating" femi-nazi type. In fact, I would certainly take up most guys on an invitation to hang out. It sure beats sitting at home re-reading He's Just Not That Into You. The problem is that I haven't really met too many new people in the last six months or so. Just a thought - are there any normal guys out there? I have gone out of my comfort zone a few times to hang out with new people, even guys. But when I do, I discover that the dude is WEIRD. Not just kind of strange, or misunderstood, we're talking complete freaks here. I'll spare you the sordid details, but trust me, it's embarassing.
A majority of the young Christian women I know are absolutely amazing! You're all beautiful, intelligent, God-fearing, funny, down-to-earth females that I would wish for a nice Christian guy in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I really can't think of many guys to set you up with. Most of my male friends are either married or are involved in a serious relationship.
Now, I don't consider myself to be super-picky. In retrospect I WAS somewhat unrealistic about dating when I was in high school and college. Not full on Jerry Seinfeld (remember when he dumped a woman because she ate peas one at a time?), but I passed up a few guys that I should have given a chance. Senior year, one nice guy expressed some interest in me, and I pretty much ignored it all. Too bad, because he's a great person. And although bold in life, I am rather shy with guys I'm actually interested in. Usually, they had no idea I liked them.
On the other hand, we shouldn't date a man just to have someone to hold our hand. Using a relationship as a crutch for holes in your own life doesn't help either of you, and that's totally wrong. For some of you, as hard as this will be to hear, we shouldn't be with someone that's obviously wrong for us. I'm not trying to get up on a soapbox here, but I personally, would not date a non-Christian. I read a good quote once, "If you don't want to marry a non-Christian - don't date one." So I've chosen to take that to heart. We've all seen couples that are so wrong for each other, and they don't realize it. Or maybe they do?
Anyways, it seems like a country-wide epidemic. Christian women have a difficult time meeting Christian men... that are single. Agree/disagree?