Is Beauty a Gift or a Curse

Sometimes I wish I could see myself through the eyes of others. For my entire adult life the two constant adjectives that have been used to describe me are pretty and sexy. The funny thing is that I've never felt pretty or sexy. Maybe my flaws distract me and I am unable to appreciate my seemingly appealing physical features. I don't think I'm ugly, but I also don't think that I am an ideal human specimen either. And there lays the downfall of most attractive women. They are so used to their physical beauty that they are unable to appreciate that they really are beautiful. Instead, they obsess over imperfections that are barely noticeable and disregard their overpowering beauty. Which leads me to the age old question, is beauty a gift or a curse?

Let Go Let Flow

Everyone has a mental list of the characteristics that their ideal mate will possess. I am no different. My list consists of such characteristics as educated, successful, sophisticated, fun, a great lover, loyal, committed, generous, honest, genuine, etc. However, sometimes I feel like its hopeless and I will never meet someone who meets the demands of my lengthy list and I am destined to die lonely and old with lots of animals.

I was watching 'Something New' this weekend and there was a scene in which 'the ladies' were chatting about their nonexistent love lives. One of the ladies had recently read a book in which the author suggested that in order to find true love one has to let go of their preconceived notions of their ideal mate and be open to love in whatever form it may present itself. The title of the fictitious book was 'Let Go Let Flow'.

So I thought, although I am not ready to entirely drop all my standards it may be beneficial to drop some of the more superficial demands on my list, i.e. highly educated. I don't think that I should defer my pursuit of love because my potential lover doesn't have a PHD. That would be ridiculous. As long as he is educated, a hard worker, and goal oriented together we can make anything happen. Oops, there go those pesky standards again.

this one's for the girls...

I want to take a minute to celebrate the gals who contribute regularly on this blog. Girls who don't, I celebrate you too. I just don't know that much about you.

Here on this blog, we have undertaken the task of articulating our experiences as single Christian women in an increasingly insane world, both in and outside the church. We have encouraged and supported each other, and we have lived our lives with integrity and love.

Here are some specifics:

Jen, you walked away from a guy who was a.) not a Christian and b.) using you. You weren't horrible. You weren't cruel. You weren't mean. You just told him where you stood, and you left -- a display of your good character, moral conviction, and kindness. You haven't set out to get revenge, or reveled in bitterness. You're forging ahead in your faith.

Jess, you've been consistently seeking God and His will since you started posting on the blog, and especially since your new location and new friends. You're striving to maintain a clear focus in your relationships with the non-Christian/taken men around you. You're dedicated to representing Christ. You stepped out in faith to a new city and a new branch in your career. You're persevering in incredibly daunting circumstances.

Joey, you're all the way out of the country! You're never afraid to try something new, and you're always seeking to serve God and look at others kindly. You never denigrated the Latin Guy when it didn't work out; instead, you saw it as a positive opportunity in your own growth.

MP, you're wise enough not to get tangled up in the messes and scrapes that tend to bog down the rest of us. Three cheers! And especially for being a loyal and unswervingly supportive friend who gives practical and godly advice, and who never minces on the truth (like our Savior). You're so much kinder to the Freaks and Weirdos than I am. You take everyone's personhood seriously, and you live an absolutely upstanding life. God shines through you, and everyone sees it. You're determinedly faithful to the church in spite of your own difficulties with it. You're fighting that good fight.

I see all of the women here dedicated to the truth, to purity, to goodness, to the gritty realization of faith and love in a completely mad world. We have all posted things that required courage, on topics that often get swept frantically under the rug. We're honest with each other. And we're doing well.

I love seeing girls embracing their freedom in Christ, and, instead of letting their mistakes get them down, trusting in the divine love that surrounds us to keep us moving forward, onward, and upward. We all know that we are Redeemed -- that as far as our sinful natures are concerned, the old has gone, the new has come! We have new natures, and while we'll make mistakes like everyone, we have the courage and grace to continue in the unfailing love of God. Because God doesn't see our sin when He looks at us; He sees His Son, and Himself, and the beautiful daughters He has created and cherished and whom He holds to His heart.

So let's rejoice! We DO treat others lovingly, in the most practical respects, and we don't hesitate to call a spade a spade, which in a society of saccharine (or wimpy) Christian niceness tends to stand out and look "mean." But we're not supposed to hedge on the truth. Jesus didn't. Particularly when it came to the religious leaders who preached burdens upon the people, or who acted wrongly in their treatment of others. And that's what all of you seek to do -- tell the truth -- and kindly at that, especially regarding specific individuals, and especially when those individuals aren't themselves Christian.

So way to go, gals! (And guys too...we just don't hear from you as often.) We have a Savior who looks on us with delight, who "rejoices over [us] with singing." And you're doing it right. Your lives reflect love and truth. And that's pleasing to the God who set us free, who sees us, and who loves us indescribably, as we are.

Plus you're all Fabulous. Really. Smart, motivated, articulate, gorgeous, creative, compassionate, fun, sensible. Yes, it's a mystery why we're all still single. But at least we're holding to hope, and doing what's right, and telling it like it is.

It's an honor and a joy to blog with you.

On behalf of sinful men everywhere...

Well hey there. How you doin?

Been a while, I know. I don't find much free time these days, but I decided to throw a little that I do have on this Black Friday back at all these Fabulous Females.

And I want to reiterate that: you ladies, as little as I know most of you, really do seem to be a wonderful bunch of young ladies who seem truly concerned with the most important things that we've been called to focus on in this life we've been given. Single Christian young men everywhere would be more than blessed to happen upon a blog like this, take that from a very experienced single Christian man (not so young anymore, even).

What I am not, however, is a wonderful, always-holy, perfect leader that is 100% flawless husband material. These guys are out there (maybe they're all youth group leaders?), I think in my life I've met one or two of them - guys I really respect who are humble, kind, always deferring, selfless, etc.. Even these guys, I realize, have their own struggles, but there are definitely some men that I certainly respect as excellent husband material, in their own right. But again, I've met one or two of them, in my life. And I think, just perhaps, if you young ladies are honest with yourselves, you'll admit that there might have been just a couple of women in your life that you respect above and beyond all others. They stand out from the crowd in some respects and we are all blessed to know these people that God puts in our lives to encourage us to grow closer to him - those who are running the race harder than us and give us that drive to run harder than we already are.

We should be thankful for these people. And we should never, never, turn and look behind us and criticize those who we perceive to be running at a slower pace than us. Think how you would feel if those that you respected in the faith were to do this to you (thank God, they wouldn't, because of who they are). Then multiply that feeling of despair by the exponential degrees that it would apply to those who we perceive to be struggling more than we do with our imperfect faiths, relationships, and lives.

We live in a relational world - we are created as beings that need human interaction - we know the terrible consequences, for instance, on infants who do not receive it at an early age. We see the saddening consequences of adults who have been unable to find it. The need for human relationship is something, I believe, that intricately winds our genetic code and souls into a single being, as we are in this life. But there is, sadly, another cord wound into this bind - that of the sin that we have inherited. And as such, we must not think of our sin as being in any sense an "individual" matter. True, we all must approach God with our own sin, knowing how it has intimately grieved Him and damaged our own unique relationship with him. But if there's one thing that I have simply loved to learn from my Presbyterian heritage, it is that confession of sin is also a corporate matter. We are *all* sinners, justly deserving of his wrath, and our sin hurts our human relationship (at large) just as it damages our God relationship.

My point is this: we can hold no man (or woman), single or otherwise, no matter where we esteem them to be in their spiritual walk, to any standard that we believe we ourselves have met. At the end of the day our salvation doesn't rest on anything we've done, after all. We can not, in this life, point fingers and put people in lower categories, call them lesser people for the things they have done, or haven't done. If Christ came doing this, He would have had to point his finger at everyone. Instead, He pointed it at the dirt, and when I go to heaven, the first question I will ask is "What were you drawing there when you told them that 'he who had no sin should cast the first stone'?"

We are going to run into people in this life that hurt us, that use us, that let us down, betray our trusts, that make us feel like less of a person. We will, and many of us have, experience(d) the lowest point of our lives due in large part to what other people have done to us. And our natural, sinful, puny human response will be to lash out and get back for the wrong we have suffered. We seek to drag them down and point them out and make ourselves feel better because of what a terrible person they are. We continue to think we will find some validation for ourselves if there are those out there who clearly aren't as good as us.

And here is where I realize I should stop preaching. Alexander Pope once said that "Men should be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot." In that vein, I don't think I've really said anything above that most of you probably find as news, so much as a friendly reminder. And that's all I really wanted to do - remind you all that, despite the fact that some of you have been the victims of careless, less than gentle-men, as of late, who you are does not rest in what these men have done, or even in what your identity is that separates you from such men. Who you are will not, even, rest in the love of a more-perfect gentleman, should you ever be blessed to find him (and I pray each of you will, in God's perfect timing). Who you are, (may I humbly remind you), rests in the perfect love of Christ, which you already have! Keep reminding yourself of that - especially as you struggle through the wilderness of human relationships. Resting on this love is what will help you guard your heart as you navigate these difficult times.

I too have been let down, I have been wounded deeply by the back-stabbing of young women, who, at the end of the day, were just like me - only human, struggling with the imbalance of sin in the human relationship (surprise! there's terrible single women out there too!). And I have found that peace will come to me through no other way than to look to the love of the one who took all of our selfish usury, our hateful blows, our cutting words, and responded in love. I really believe there's no other way to approach human relationship and come out with any kind of success. And I really hope that each of you truly Fabulous Females will find the special someone in this life that will show you a glimpse of the Special Someone who already loves you in the next.

Imagine, to mention the supreme example, imagine Christ at the moment when He was silent before the Counsel: imagine the infuriated mob, imagine the group of dignitaries - and then imagine how many a glance they directed towards him, their eyes upon Him, only waiting for Him to look at them so that their glance might convey their mockery, their contempt, their pity, their insults, to the accused! But He discovered nothing, lovingly He concealed the multitude of their sins. Imagine how many an abusive epithet, how many insults, how many taunts were shouted at Him - and each participant was so terribly insistent that his voice should be heard, so that, above all, it might not seem that he had been so indescribably stupid as to have missed the opportunity, as not to have been there participating in common with everyone else, hence as the true instrument of public opinion, in insulting, in injuring, in mistreating an innocent man! But he discovered nothing; lovingly He hid the multitude of their sins - by discovering nothing. And He is the pattern: from Him the lover has learned, when he discovers nothing and thereby hides the multitude of sins; when like a worthy disciple, "forsaken, hated, bearing the cross," he walks between mockery and pity, between insults and lamentations, and yet discovers nothing - in truth more wonderful than when the three men walked unscathed in the fiery furnace. Still, ridicule and insults really do no harm, if the one insulted does not harm himself by discovering them, that is, by becoming resentful. For if he is resentful, he discovers the multitude of sins. - Soren Kierkegaard

Free

Whew. The fascination with Kevin is broken. Now he seems completely petulant, insecure, and icky. I don't even want to hang out with him anymore.

Just thought I'd let everyone know. I've realized that there are good men in the world, and he isn't one of them.

Yay for me! Thanks to you for prayers and encouragement, and thanks to God!

Erosion

Fully recognizing that the Buddy System sucks, and having my eyes opened by my boss in regard to the Millstone two months ago, I untangled myself from a massively awful Buddy relationship and walked away from a guy I truly loved, who will never love me. (And it was disappointingly easy to get rid of him. I didn't respond to one email and two phone calls, and have never heard from or seen him since. Which only threw into sharp relief against the wall the writing, "He doesn't care about you and never did.")

The process of getting over him has been long and slow. I still don't feel able to love a man. I'm not interested in dating. And yet I have lost, in Leigh Ann's words, "That One Person" -- That One Person to spend free time with, to hang out with, to laugh with. That One Person who was my life's default companion. And everything, while much better for me without having to listen to all of his relationship problems and support him in his endless emotional crises, has been emptier. There's no one to harmonize with on the guitar. No one to sit on the porch with. No one to ride around in the car and listen to music with. No one to charge my empty hours with pleasant reminiscence and anticipation, and my full hours with chemistry and company. No one to converse with about the things we conversed on.

Enter Kevin.

Kevin lives downstairs. He is the ex of one of my good friends. When I first moved into the house, they were living together in the apartment below mine. Shortly afterward she asked him to move out, and thus began my friendship with her, and a long summer of her breaking up with him. I learned a lot about him in the process. A lot of unpleasant things, a history of emotional abuse and selfishness and anger, passed down to him from his father. So when my friend moved to another apartment, so that she could live in a place to which he had no keys and no access, and he moved back in because they had had a joint lease, I already hated him and was fully prepared to maintain a hostile course of interaction.

He helped a lot. We had one conversation when he first moved back in wherein he was extremely manipulative, trying to get me to talk about her, and then angry and rude when I wouldn't be manipulated. He asked nastily if he should even say hi to me when he saw me in the future; I replied that if he didn't feel moved, it wouldn't bother me. And that was the only conversation we had for a year.

Until this summer, the Summer of Job Loss, Friend Loss and Despair, when I spend inordinate amounts of my unemployed time on the porch. My door opens onto the same porch as his. As he lectures at a nearby university and has summers off, I saw a lot of him. We began to chat, cautiously, and then comfortably. He never brought up my friend in conversation -- not ever. And so we got to know each other.

He's been fascinated by me for a long time. My friend warned me to anticipate that he would. "You're nothing like me," she said, "You aren't as susceptible to his crap. That's going to drive him crazy."

So I became aware, toward the end of the summer, that he was, at least a little bit, "into me." There was a certain expression on his face, a certain intensity in his eye contact, a certain cant to his body angle when he sat down in one of the patio chairs to talk to me. He asked me once to go to dinner, and once to go to the beach. I had valid enough excuses to refuse him politely both times. I enjoyed his conversation, and felt like a traitor for it, but was interested in nothing more than the occasional porch talk (particularly as I'd get nice little compliments here and there about how beautiful I am, and how clear my skin is).

But then he found out that I sing. And he is extremely talented on the guitar.

Kids, music gets me every time. I've never been a groupie, I never followed the campus bands much (even though they were really good), but music is one of the central joys of my existence. And then Kevin introduced me to Gillian Welch. We started practicing songs we both knew, and he'd pass me a new song every once in awhile. He said my voice gave him goosebumps. He was extremely admiring.

Two Sundays ago we performed together at a really laid-back, no-audience neighborhood house showing, on a porch, on a nippy day. A guy I knew from RCIA came along and recognized me, and he's always been way too interested in me, and so he talked to me for awhile, and when he left, Kevin remarked jealously that the guy really liked me. I shrugged. After that, whenever Kevin introduced me to people I didn't know, he left out "this is my neighbor," and said simply, with a light, possessive touch on my shoulder, "And this is Sarah."

And, curse of curses, I didn't correct him. I've been so damn LONELY. And Kevin, despite his small stature, is a pretty good-looking guy.

So last Thursday when he called me in the evening to say he hadn't seen me for awhile, and did I want to come down for a cup of tea, I said yes and hung out with him for awhile.

Then I spent all weekend away from the house to get a grip on myself. COME ON, IDIOT, I said, He's an ABUSER. You KNOW this. What's your problem?!

The thing is, Kevin doesn't make (since we're not dating) any demands on me. He's just there. And his company is enjoyable. But I'm pretty sure, at some level, it's an act. I saw how he acted around my friend, and how he would act so normally and kindly around other people at the same time that he was hurting her. I saw, several memorable times, how he treated her, and I hated him with all the fiery hatred of hell for what he put her through. But this Kevin? A completely different Kevin.

And yet, despite our optimistic (stupid?) societal outlook, I don't believe that people ever really change. Especially not that drastically, and not in that short of a time span.

Plus, my friend often told me how great he was in the beginning.

So I've been talking about it with everyone who cares about me. I've been clamping down on my understanding of reality. And I've been avoiding him. I mean, what can I do? To ignore him or refuse to talk to him is rude, and he's done absolutely nothing wrong to me. But I have to guard my heart -- that ancient cliche -- because I witnessed the damage he can inflict, and with all the hellish things I went through this year, I don't need to add one more source of stress, insanity, depression and heartache to the list. And if I'm not careful, things could progress in a dangerous direction.

My best-beloved John helped me tremendously this week. I was telling him about the situation, and how Kevin is wearing me down, and John said, "No! Don't give in! That's just what the predators are waiting for."

So I'm doing my best, and not doing too badly. But argh. He's already worn me down considerably, and now I have to try to rebuild some of the levees. And I don't have the energy.

Have I Been Drinking The Kool-Aid?

Last night when I arrived home from work, I had lofty hope that perhaps there are good men that exist. Ones that you can trust and truly care about you as a person. As of this morning, I am convinced this is not the case.
For the last few months I’d been ‘seeing’ this guy. Professionally, we’re actually competitors and met at a coworker’s birthday party at a bar over the summer. Upon meeting him, I immediately sensed an attraction on his part. Nicely, I obliged in conversation, but was actually interested in someone else at this bash. On another note, I was really not attracted to him at all. We’ll call this guy ‘John’ since I’m nice enough not to expose his real name here. During the conversation I ducked out and went to the ladies’ room. When I came back, he honed in on me again and asked me if I had a boyfriend. John also offered to come over to my house and bring the movie ‘Snatch,’ invited me to a group lunch the next day, and asked for my phone number. I told him that the last time I gave my phone number out, the guy never called. He said he’d ‘fix’ that.
I remember thinking that John seemed quite desperate and I had no interest in him at the time. He was nice, and I’m always looking to make new friends so I figured that would be alright. The next day he both text messaged me and called to let me know where they were meeting up. Thinking it would be fun to hang out with new people. When I arrived at the restaurant a bit later than everyone else, the only seat left was next to John. After that, they roped me into playing frisbee with them. Since John had not driven, he asked if he could ride with me. It was rather awkward, and on the drive over he told me he wanted to take me out to dinner. Numbly, I said yes, mostly because I’m so non-confrontational and have a difficult time saying ‘no’ to anyone, even the Kirby Vacuum cleaner guy. This ended up being made even more uncomfortable for me, because we were the only ones at the park for about 15 minutes. It was like a date had been sprung on me as a surprise.
Fast forward to work on Monday. My coworkers made fun of me for quite awhile after seeing him chatting me up. It was one of the most embarrassing days I’ve ever had, having to endure the torture and comments about John asking me out.
When I came home, I noticed that John found me on MySpace... He sent me this message with the subject "Hey Hun." Keep in mind that ‘hun’ is my least favorite cutesy nickname ever. I absolutely loathe when someone refers to me as ‘hun.’
What's up? I hope you don't feel stalked. I just spend way too much time on this thing and thought I'd try my hand at finding people I met this weekend. I'm glad you were one of them. I'm holding you to a dinner at the Crossing... and look into Snatch; tell me if it's up your alley. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. Catch you later, John
When I checked out John’s profile, I noticed this: ‘Who I’d Like To Meet’: My Wife. Making some general observations from his blog entries, he was somewhat desperate for a date, was voted Class Flirt in high school, and liked hundreds of girls. Very impressive. I made a mental note that going to dinner with this person was not high on my priority list.
Sometime later, I was discussing this with a friend of mine. He urged me to go out with him at least once. That me turning him down was very rude, and I at least should give myself a chance to get to know John. So bravely, even though I was majorly skeeved out by the MySpace stuff, when he called to ask me out (on his way home from the airport, nonetheless) I agreed to meet him. My intention was definitely friendship, and that was it. It was a somewhat uncomfortable meal, especially since my last real date was.... well, I can’t remember. I figured this was a one time deal, and that I might run into him at some party down the road and say hello. I also made sure to pay for myself, to signify that it was not an actual date.
For about a month, I had no face to face contact with John. However, we started talking on Instant Messenger (I swear, AIM is evil) somewhat regularly. John and I discussed religion, dating, politics, high school and college, etc... I’m not exactly sure what the heck happened, but I looked forward to talking to him, and even began to think about seeing him again.
It’s now a few weeks before Halloween, and John invited me to a party. Honestly, I’ll admit, I went there to see him. But I really didn’t think much was happening, since we’d only hung out a handful of times and an entire month had passed in between. My roommate was gracious and accompanied me to the house party. When I saw the host, she immediately asked me if I wanted to find John and led us to his current location. John seemed pretty happy to see me, and spent most of the night with his arm tightly around me. While watching a pool game out in the garage, he asked me if he could have a word with me outside. Grasping both of my hands while dressed as a beer bottle, John told me he really enjoyed our friendship, was very physically attracted to me, and asked me if I would ‘go out’ with him... as in be his girlfriend. This caught me off guard since it seemed somewhat sudden to be doing this. Nervously, I laughed and said I liked hanging out. At this moment, I wondered if John really ‘got’ women. He obviously was very off timing wise with this girlfriend proposition, and didn’t seem to sense that I was fairly uncomfortable. Especially since he kissed me. One thing about me, is that I have relatively low will power. It had been quite awhile since I’d kissed anyone, and I’ll admit, it was nice to be doing that once again. He and I made plans to see each other the following week, which involved him driving an hour to El Paso in order to take me out. Oh, what a strange night.
A few days before this get together was scheduled to happen, I realized that dating someone probably wouldn’t be a very good idea since I’m trying to work out a different deal career-wise and didn’t want to be distracted. While talking online, I informed John that I wanted to be friends, but that was all I could offer. He seemed okay with that, and asked me if we were ‘still on for Friday.’ I agreed. We did hang out, and I then realized how much I enjoyed conversations with John. He loves his family, treated me with respect and chivalry, is intelligent and very funny, is a generally nice guy, and seemed to have a pretty big thing... for me. Somewhere in the mix, I developed real feelings for a guy I hadn’t expected to. When I spoke to him on the phone about hanging out again, I managed to tell him that I did want the next outing to be a date.
The last two times I saw John, were undoubtably in the romantic category. Dinner, conversation, both of us even referred to them as dates. Not to mention the fact that on both occasion, there was some PG-13 rated making out (very much initiated by John). He told me several times in online conversations of how he wanted me to trust him, and how he and I ‘work.’ When people would ask, I would tell them we were sort-of-seeing-each-other, since I did not know the exact status. The only thing weird I noticed, was that when I left his house on our last time together he didn’t make immediate future plans. You know like, "We should do this on Friday" or something along those lines. But hey, I figured... he asked me to be his girlfriend. He must like me a lot, right?
After work last night, I decided I needed to let him know that I did, indeed want to be officially dating. I had no reason to think otherwise. Boy, was I wrong. This was the AIM conversation that went down in flames...

FifthTigerofAsia you know...
FifthTigerofAsia I wouldn't mind being your girlfriend
John:: i don't think that'd work right now
John:: i'm sorry... i know i thought of it first.
John: but with timing being what it is and us being two similar but too different people... i guess i feel more comfortable as friends
FifthTigerofAsia : friends?
John:: yeah
FifthTigerofAsia: so uh.. when were you going to tell me this?
John:: i didn't think i had to. i thought when you said we should be friends, i accepted that and since then i've felt it's the best thing. i didn't know we were moving towards anything
John:: i never meant to pull you offsides. and if i thought i was i would have definitely said something
FifthTigerofAsia: I feel incredibly weird right now
John: honestly me too a bit
FifthTigerofAsia: do you hook up with all your friends?
John: no
FifthTigerofAsia: neither do I
John:: do you hook up with friends?
FifthTigerofAsia: never
FifthTigerofAsia : With pretty good reasons, I thought we were seeing each other
John:: i got a different message when you said we were going to be friends and then 2 seconds later we went back to making out
FifthTigerofAsia: I did say it would be okay for it to be a date
FifthTigerofAsia: I realized the reasons I wanted to be friends were pretty stupid
FifthTigerofAsia: and that you're a great guy
John:: the reasons you wanted to be friends were stupid?
John:: what were they?
FifthTigerofAsi: the timing issue
FifthTigerofAsia: but I figured, I have no immediate plans of leaving so why not?
John:: that's fair
FifthTigerofAsia: so you thought I wanted a friend with benefits???
FifthTigerofAsia: oh... my god
John:: in short, yeah i guess
John:: a misread on my part apparently.
FifthTigerofAsia: definitely
John: i'm sorry
John: truly
FifthTigerofAsia: do you realize that both times we hooked up
FifthTigerofAsia: you definitely made the first moves
John:: yeah
FifthTigerofAsia : why?
John: because i wanted to
John:: and i figured if you didn't want me to... you'd say no and i'd apologize and we'd move on
FifthTigerofAsia: and you'd do that to someone who's just a friend?
John:: i have (Jen’s note: EWWWW)
FifthTigerofAsia: this is still very strange
John:: well this is just a fundamental difference i guess
FifthTigerofAsia: I shouldn't have told you I wanted to be friends
John:: maybe i shouldn't asked you out too soon
FifthTigerofAsia: it just seems like somwhere along the line... there was a flip flop
John:: i guess paths just got mixed up
John:: yeah
FifthTigerofAsia: so why did you ask me out?
John:: i wanted to
John:: i wanted to try it (Jen’s note: give me a TRIAL RUN as a girlfriend?)
FifthTigerofAsia: and now?
John:: and now i'm content with the relationship we've had since that night... but it sounds like we need to be more platonic
FifthTigerofAsia: but you like me?
FifthTigerofAsia: that's not platonic
John:: i think it's best just to keep things simle
John: simple
FifthTigerofAsia: well, I'm definitely not looking for a friend to make out with
John:: that's fair
John:: i respect that
FifthTigerofAsia: and what we do together... it's definitely not just a friends thing
FifthTigerofAsia: I'm not down with that arrangement
FifthTigerofAsia: so I'm going to have to pass
John:: and be friends
FifthTigerofAsia: this is too weird for me
FifthTigerofAsia: sorry
John:: you don't have to apologize
FifthTigerofAsia: look
FifthTigerofAsia: I really put myself out there... for you
FifthTigerofAsia: because I genuinely like you
FifthTigerofAsia: and now I feel like a complete moron
FifthTigerofAsia: and you told me you liked me too
FifthTigerofAsia : obviously not that much
FifthTigerofAsia : so this will be our last interaction
John:: i just thought we had a different arrangment and i was comfortable with it
John:: and i never ever wanted to pull you offsides like i have
John:: and i'm sorry for doing that. it's never my intention. i just like everyone happy and having fun
FifthTigerofAsia: so do I
FifthTigerofAsia: do you realize you did though?
John:: i do now
FifthTigerofAsia: yes
FifthTigerofAsia: but knowing what I do now, this is definitely a good bye
John:: if you wish. i'm sorry it comes to that. but it's certainly your choice
FifthTigerofAsia: well, you had choices too
John:: yeah
John:: i need to get to bed
John: up in 7 hours
John: good night

If you’re asking right now, whether I’m confused... that would be an understatement. Shocked? That’s a yes, too. Apparently this is what I get for giving a guy like John a chance. As I sit here at 7:51 a.m. after receiving about two hours of sleep, I wonder why my love life is like a derailed train that just exploded.

It's ironic that someone you think you know turns out to be a complete stranger in the time span of five minutes. It hurts that bizarre incidents like this one with John are actually common for my track record. Most of all, I can't help but wonder what the heck is the cause behind it all.

The Youth Pastor Syndrome

So recently, I've made an observation that somewhat piggybacks on the Science Girl's question as to 'where the Christian men are?' It's this trend I see on church Web sites everywhere. Anytime there is a Meet The Staff page, it sticks out to me like a sore thumb. Approximately 99% (okay, maybe a slight exaggeration) of the males in their 20s working at churches are already married, and probably did so before graduating college. Why is this? It's not very encouraging that the only attractive men my age I encounter on Sundays are with their wife and six 'beautiful' children. Basically, I feel like I don't even have the option at dating a Christian guy simply because I missed the boat. On the upside, with the recent allegations on mega-church pastor Ted Haggard, maybe I'm one of the lucky ones.
Is there a certain movie-star-like allure for Christian women to pursue men of the cloth? To live that seemingly perfect life of a pastor's wife. Because I attended a private Protestant college, there were many classmates with ambitions of becoming a theologian or a youth pastor.
Not that I have anything against youth pastors. It’s just... many of them seem totally generic. In college, they were the guys roaming around campus accidentally-on-purpose not wearing a shirt, playing one of a dozen worship songs they could strum on a guitar, attracting droves of husband-crazy desperate girls. Just because you sing songs about Jesus with your eyes closed doesn’t make you some kind of super hero. Personally, I’ve never been roped in by anyone like that. There seems something shell-like about them. Are they the new Stepford Wives? The ladies’ man?
In my personal experience interacting with youth pastors, I don’t know if it’s just me, but more than a few have been insincere... even rude to me. I’ve known of several who have ‘resigned’ from their churches due to moral issues. To me, that’s sad. Although, I will give them this credit. The youth pastor (as well as the entire church staff) at the church I currently attend is awesome. It gives me a glimmer of hope. But the rest? I just don’t know. And no, I would never marry a youth pastor.