The Pseudo-Boyfriend

If you're like me, you've been in this situation. You're single. You know a guy who's single. You're not dating, but you hang out an awful lot, even doing "couple-ish" stuff like movies and dinner. Other people think you ARE dating. The parents meet him and tell you they think he's "a nice guy" as if to say you should be together. In fact, you may have feelings for this man - or vice versa. But heck, you really aren't sure because things are rather ambiguous between the two of you.
Yes, I am talking about the PSEUDO-BOYFRIEND. The only real boyfriend I've had was about four years ago. Lately, I've been thinking about all those gray relationships I've had with different guys over the years. I can't believe how confusing they all were! Sure we were just friends, but I can't lie about the fact that I would have dated most of them if the topic had ever come up. At first I would convince myself that everything was cool. Then I realized how much time I've spent one on one with guys I considered friends, and how some of those situations crossed the line. We were essentially using each other to fill that void of not having somebody in our lives. Our outings were really dates in everything but name. One way to test if you've got a pseudo-boyfriend is this... Think about what you do with this person. Would you be hanging out with them and doing the same things if you had a REAL boyfriend? If the answer is no, chances are, you've become a pseudo-girlfriend.
Unfortunately, when you're single, sometimes it's difficult not to get your hopes up when you meet somebody... anybody.
This is a November 3, 2004 excerpt from a wonderfully written column by Camerin Courtney, available at ChristianityToday.com.
"But then, I guess that answer's pretty obvious, too. We live in a romance-soaked, paired-off world. We were wired for relationships, to love and be loved. There's nothing like the rush of a new romance. And when you haven't had any signs of interest, let alone a date, for some time, even scraps or cheap imitations of kindling love interest can seem like something worth nursing and coaxing into anything remotely resembling a flame.
It makes me sad that we women especially seem susceptible to the temptation to settle for crumbs of interest or crummy treatment in relationships. After all, a She's Just Not That Into You seems laughable. That's not to say that guys are the only ones doling out bad treatment in relationships or that they aren't capable of good treatment and the ability to commit. I'm sure this has a lot to do with women's need for security, our God-given nesting instincts, self-esteem issues, and a myriad other things that everyone from sociologists to Doctor Phil have tried to explain and remedy over the years."
The conclusion I've come to about the pseudo-relationship situation is that it's unhealthy. It gives women and men artificial ideals and half-truths about real romantic relationships. God wants the real thing for us, not a convenient arrangement where both parties have lukewarm concern and care for each other. I am not saying that male/female relationships are doomed or inappropriate. They can be wonderful and healthy. But we shouldn't be using a male friend as a stand-in boyfriend. We shouldn't be involved with a men who "just aren't that into us." And by using friends of the opposite sex to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without having to initiate or make any commitments is wrong.
Thinking back, I've not only had one boyfriend, but about five psuedo-boyfriends. (I think most guys see me very platonically) The only real difference was the lack of physical contact. When I see past flashbacks, sometimes it does hurt. Why does a guy invite you out for coffee and then lament about his lack of a girlfriend? That's happened to me quite a few times, and it's almost insulting. Like I'm worth "hanging" with but not worthy of a real date. I think the word "date" has come to invoke inherent fear in some men. Chill out guys! It's a date! You don't have to marry the girl, and it doesn't meet you're dating, or in a relationship. A date is just about getting to know someone, which is the same as hanging out in everything but name.
I'm rather tired of being a pseudo-girlfriend. Being the movie date, taking them shopping, folding their laundry, meeting their PARENTS, helping them study, cooking for them, running errands and doing favors. It's like being in a relationship minus all the frosting. No stability, no kissing, no sex, no flowers, no hope for anything else. Thanks for nothing! Don't get me wrong. I love my guy friends, and I love BEING a friend. But no one deserves to be taken advantage of. I've been practicing long enough, and I'm ready for the real thing.

Taking Action

I'm not sure what's happening. Either I've gotten bolder in my actions, or I have gone completely insane. Whichever one though, I'm okay with it. At least it makes life interesting. Earlier this week, I saw a press release at work on this charity fundraiser the El Paso Fire Department does every year. Firefighters stand at busy intersections holding out their rubber boots, and drivers can simply drop the donations in them. To my shock and surprise, I found a very cute guy with his boot standing right next to my car at the red light. I smiled and dropped in a bill, still bewildered as to how I actually encountered an attractive male.
After driving off, I was regretting my lack of action. So what do I do? Call up MP, of course! She ordered me to "do something about it" and armed me with a good pep talk. So I went back to that corner and parked at a nearby video store. Since my dude in question was walking in and out of moving traffic, I approached another firefighter that was taking a break - asked him what the guys name was - then gave him my business card to give to John (the firefighter). Perhaps he'll make use of the digits and call me. Maybe he won't. Either way, it was a good step for me to be bold! Although I don't believe that should excuse guys from being real men, I was reminded by MP that we can help make our own destiny. It feels great not to have the "what if's" lingering in the back of my mind. Too often we encounter strangers that we don't talk to, and probably won't see again unless we create an opportunity. We won't meet people by sitting home alone watching Friends reruns, but by putting outselves out there and living life to the fullest. So that's what I'm doing!

The Contentment Issue

I have a lot of catching up to do here, but I have some Fabulous Female things in mind, so ready or not, here I blog.

I've been talking lots lately with the marvelous MP, and one of the things we discussed -- tonight, actually -- was contentment. And our problems with being told, in wispy tones, "You should just learn to be content with your situation."

I don't think so -- not on the terms in which contentment is preached. First, I believe that discussions of "contentment" have become in the church a means of teaching people (especially young women) to cultivate greater and greater amounts of passivity in their lives and characters. And passivity is hardly a virtue (Proverbs 31's Wife of Noble Character didn't have a passive cell in her energetic, capable body or a passive neuron in her energetic, razor-edged mind). Wilted flowers aren't pretty. Also, as MP noted, the contemporary doctrine of passive contentment allows a vast amount of young men to get away with heightened levels of immaturity and fantasization, dithering around waiting to meet "that girl that I'll become really good friends with, that one day out of the blue I'll ask to marry me and it will be all normal and unchallenging and no work," meanwhile playing video games, taking laundry home to Mom, and aspiring to nothing in particular. Passivity on a woman's part encourages even greater passivity on a man's. This does nothing to fill the huge leadership gaps among today's young Christian men.

This is not to say that we should all rush around like rabid wolves ready to sink our jaws into our perceived future mate and grimly hang on until we wrest that blasted ring from his reluctant pocket. Or to say that women should take over the world and leave men out of the picture. But let's be clear on the definition of contentment. Or rather, let's examine contentment side by side with its cousin, satisfaction. Because contentment and dissatisfaction can (and do) coexist.

Take my current life situation as an example. I am twenty-four, totally and serially single, a few hundred miles away from a family whom I cherish even from a distance. I live alone in a lovely and affordable apartment in a charming and slightly run-down neighborhood. I have a job with climbable ladders on which God has blessed me with ascension (short version: I will soon be on the comfortable side of poor). I have recently acquired a wonderful used car which delights me every time I put my key in its lock (no sexual pun intended). I will soon cohabit with a slightly deranged and heart-stoppingly gorgeous cat. I have discovered a large, grounded, multigenerational church burgeoning with friendly twenty-somethings. My life is good. I am content.

I am not, however, satisfied. I am sick of coming home to an apartment empty of life save my fifteen or so beautiful, but silent and immobile, houseplants. I am sick of spooning my stuffed Eeyore at night. I starve for a human love I can know with body -- skin, muscle, bone, and blood -- as well as with mind and heart. One of the worst things about living solo and far from family is that no one -- no one -- touches me. It's reached the point where I avoid physical contact with people because I hunger for it so badly that I fear to lose control and cling crushingly and freakily to some poor well-meaning casual toucher and thereby lose a friend. I want companionship -- not so much hours and hours of stimulating conversation and romantic candlelight dinners and walks on the beach, but life alongside someone with whom I am nearly completely, and often wordlessly, comfortable. I do not have it yet.

So. I am content. I am dissatisfied. It's not an either/or equation. (I don't put much stock in either/or equations.) Contentment deals with the big picture. Contentment is a mindset. Satisfaction deals with immediacy. Satisfaction is a reaction. I can and do discipline myself to be content. But I must also have the honesty to admit when I'm not satisfied.

It's a rutted road. I badly want to say to God, "You have blessed me with more than I ever imagined you would -- and it's enough." But I can't end the sentence that way. Instead I have to say, "You have blessed me with more than I ever imagined you would -- and I still want a human male life companion." It's a careful balance of attitude and admission.

So when someone says, "You just need to be content," my answer is that I am. The difference between contentment and satisfaction is the difference between joy and happiness. You can have one without the other. And hanged if I'm going to spend my life wispily saying, "Well...I'm single and sometimes I'm miserable and I want to back out of life altogether...but that's okay..." No. I'm going to do all that's in my power to do (which often isn't much. But it's something): Cultivate my character. Guard, protect, and defend my chastity. Expand my tastes and understandings of the world and life at large. Continue to become a gorgeous, put-together, well-balanced, poised, virtuous, funny, friendly, and gracious woman who can make a killer dinner. Enjoy myself. Meet people (lots and lots of people). Pray for the fulfillment of my heart's desires. Encourage my friends.

And not keep holding out for guys who don't matter. There are some serious losers out there. I'm not settling for one of them, because I am not and do not intend to become a serious loser myself. Maybe I'll have to hunt for those princes, maybe I'll have to bide my time and wait for them to cross my path, but I will meet them, and they will meet me. It's a matter of time, even if the wait is hair-tearingly frustrating.

My dad has always quoted to me, "Peace isn't passive." Contentment isn't shrugging in defeat and backing into the wallpaper and thinking that's all you're meant to have. Contentment isn't sighs, eye rolling, and false martyrdom. It involves openly admitting the things you still lack that make you heartsick, and holding to the goodness of the big-picture (sovereign!) God. And finding people in your situation so that you can keep each other strong. Sometimes this whole thing SUCKS. And still I'm blessed, and keeping the faith.

Hang in there, girls.