I "Think" I Want a Boyfriend

I think I want a boyfriend. I have countless boy friends, but they are not the same as a boyfriend, i.e. someone to cuddle with at night and hold my hands during the day. I’m not asking for much, I want some one who is educated, motivated, attractive, sexy, confident, mature, stable, fashionable, ok, well, maybe I am asking for a lot, LOL, and maybe that’s why I am single (and celibate) at the moment, but I am not asking for anything that I can not provide. I believe they call it quid pro quo. If I am giving myself to some one I want something in return of equal or higher value. Lol. Anyway, they (who is they exactly, I don’t know) always say ask for what you want and put it out there in the universe and then wait, because it will come. So here it is I want a boyfriend. He must compliment me perfectly (not just literally, but more importantly, metaphorically).

Sometimes I feel that my vow of celibacy has been a curse and a blessing. Celibacy has freed me; as a result, I do not suffer from common female debilitating diseases such as low self esteem, dependency, and jealousy, just to name a few. Additionally, celibacy has taught me to be comfortable with being alone. Nonetheless, celibacy has also made me "too" picky. Because I am comfortable with being alone, I no longer overlook flaws, or settle for less, which in itself seems like a good thing, but is it really? No one is perfect; not even me. So maybe my ideal mate does not exist and I am chasing an unattainable dream and destined to be lonely (there is a BIG difference between alone and lonely).

Love Triangle

I'm trapped in a love triangle. I want him, she wants him too, but he is unattainable. Why do women put ourselves in these kinds of predicaments. When I was younger I could blame it on immaturity. Now, I see it's my reality. Always reaching for the unattainable. Always hoping to be the best in love and in sex. The one to tame the wild horse, and make him love me without force. I've always fallen for the sexy, attractive, and most desirable. The ones with the most suitors. Branding the kinder, gentler ones as loosers. I thought I had outgrown this stage, but unintentionally I am back on main stage. Now, here's the act, two women, one man, who's the star, maybe the damsel in distress or the strong independent woman will out perform the rest. But not everyone is meant to be a star, and maybe retirement for me is not that far. But for now, I am trapped in a love triangle and he's playing all three angles.

"So I have this friend..."

There is a dying art that, I think, must be resurrected to give hope to the Christian singles scene. It’s not arranged marriages, although I respect that it’s been a generally accepted custom for thousands of years. But this time, I’m referring to matchmaking. Yes, matchmaking.
When one thinks of that word, images of Grove City College, Nancy Paxton, or some Jennifer Lopez-type cavorting around in a pink suit photographing young men and women in Central Park may come to mind. We shudder when we think of these two words: blind date.
Think back to March, when I wrote a post about my friend Cory setting me up with two guys when I visited in Washington, D.C. One was more of a set-up sort of meeting, the other an actual dinner date at a steakhouse. Sure, neither of those amounted to more than a few interesting evenings. The point is that, friends look out for friends... but we don’t often look out for ours in that way.
It seems like many couples meet through friends. How often do you hear someone say they met their spouse out clubbing or at the gym? During the course of the week, I probably encounter 250 or so complete strangers during my errands and running around. Approximately 10 of them will be males around my age. Then you figure that 5 of them will be in a relationship. That leaves five single dudes, with possibly one or two being even approaching normal. And the chances they’re a Christian? Not highly likely. And what about the chance you’ll hit if off in the compatibility department? Okay, so by now... I’ve probably invoked feelings of despair in this audience and I apologize for that.
So here’s the deal. We’ve spent months complaining about our singleness. How we never meet anyone. We’d never go out with the single Christians we already know. (Perhaps someone else we know would be perfect for them???) That’s why we need to take more of an aid and assist approach.
For me, when I’m giving of myself - helping out with my church youth group, trying to set up two friends - it feels terrific. The feelings of loneliness fade away. I’m loving Jesus and loving other people and can love myself.
Awhile back I was talking online to an awesome guy I knew in college. All of a sudden, a thought struck through my brain like lightning. A girl who I roomed with while interning in Pittsburgh was now living and working in the same city he’s in. They’re both really interesting, cool people and I could honestly picture them hitting it off in person. She also seemed like his type physically. The girl is adorable and down to earth. On a whim, I gave him her AIM screen name and a link to her personal Web site. He contacted her, and has been hanging out with her for months. Will they head to the altar? Who knows?
What I’m saying is, the more of us who give this a shot, the more people we’ll meet. Therefore, increasing the chances of coming into contact with someone meant for US, who we may not have met otherwise. It’s sort of like the MySpace network, except offline. Another advantage is that we really know the people in our lives. What they’re like, what they’re looking for.
What won't work is setting up friends with random people just to send them off on a blind date. We need to use judgment, discernment, and sensitivity.
I’m closing in on my 24th birthday, and just went on my first blind date a few months ago. I can count the number of first dates I’ve had with the fingers on both hands. I’d absolutely love for friends to help me in this area, as I’m pretty hopeless on my own. Why are the Godly, cool, smart, attractive twentysomethings sitting at home on Friday and Saturday nights? The answer is partly because we’re not making an effort to introduce many of our friends. By doing so, we’d all be expanding our social circles exponentially. Think about the endless possibilities.
To help kick start this Yenta-ism for the 21st century, I make a move to award 20 points if two friends you introduced go on a date. 10 points for giving someone a friend’s email address/phone number/MySpace URL (with their permission of course). 5 points for just introducing those friends in person, or inviting both of them to a social gathering with that thought in mind.

I leave you with this line from Avenue Q's "The Money Song" to serve as more of a humor-driven motivation...

When you help others,You can’t help helping yourself!
When you give to a worthy cause, you'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus!

some of them want to use you

So, I had two separate scenarios crop up this week as a result of my forays into the dating world. (I would say this whole foray thing was all for the purposes of observation, but I'm a really bad liar.)

Scenario 1: The 35-year-old. After I politely declined to accompany him to his apartment at 11:30 p.m. after our first date, he cooled off considerably, and now I believe I am getting what is referred to as "the brush-off." My friend Brandon has said before that secular 30-something men, far from wanting to settle down, just want sex. I'm beginning to believe him.

Scenario 2: The grad student. On our second time out, this funny, skilled conversationalist informed me that a.) he's in his mid-30s, b.) he's still in love with a woman with whom it will never work out and c.) he's recently started dating someone else, but that he finds me delightful and enjoys my company. He also told me a few things that he's dealing with in his personal life. The past few days he's proceeded to invite me to spend large amounts of one-on-one, datelike time with him. Oh, and he's way too touchy-feely, close-huggy for his declarations of looking on me as a student or a little sister.

Does any of this seem absurd to anyone else? On the one hand, there's a guy who wants to use me for my body. On the other, there's a guy who wants to use me for my goodness and company. Neither of them appears to want to put any effort into actually dating me. And both make me feel, to different degrees, like crap. (Or just weirded out.)

It annoys me that rejection or pseudo-rejection from these deficient men hurts me. That even though they have problems that make them much less than what I'm looking for, I still feel like I'm the one who's not good enough, who's lacking something, who drives the men away once they get in close. Like in Scenario 1, I come in this great package but my spirit and being are undesirable, and if he catches a glimpse of who I am, he leaves. Or in Scenario 2, I'm just not quite good enough to be wanted, body or soul; but he'll use my friendship for something that feels a little weird, uncomfortable, and complicated.

And screw that. It's all lies. I don't know why women are so vulnerable to them. I don't know why I am.

But I want much more than that; so I'm taking myself off their markets. Will I still go out with a guy who asks me, if he's not overtly horrible? Yes. Absolutely. This has been fun, stretching, outside my zone of comfort. A source of learning. But I'll be a little more attuned to the kind of guy who just wants a piece of ass. Because that can never go anywhere good.

Lessons learned!