Fabulous Females

That's what this site is for: a place to gather all of the ideas and observations of real women living out the drama of single life in a world of "hooking up" and "putting out." If you'd like to become a poster, just give us your email address in a comment so we can invite you in! This is a non-discriminatory place to air out your feelings, so please be constructive! We also welcome men to post insight, comments, and advice on today's culture between males and females.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

A Husband and Babies

So ladies, the last time we spoke, I announced that I wanted a boyfriend. I still haven’t found him, but then again, I never lost him, lol. Anyhow, this feeling has intensified and I even modifyied my list: committed, romantic, chivalrous, honest, respectful, hard working, ambitious, intelligent, financially secure, attractive, sexy, handy, confident, mature, fashionable, and a sexual prowess. Did I miss anything?

I have always been an independent lady so I was alarmed when I started to feel this overwhelming need for a boyfriend. After analyzing my emotions I figured that this was attributed to me graduating law school in a few months. I’ve always had a plan for my life: graduate law school, start an amazing career that is both financially and emotionally rewarding, marry a wonderful man, have beautiful, healthy babies, and live happily ever after, to sum it up. I guess with graduation right around the corner I am starting to implement my other goals, i.e. husband and babies. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Monday, August 28, 2006

limited options

So, I had a date on Friday night. It was a lovely date. The gentleman's conversation was fairly interesting, his company pleasant, his manner easygoing.

But here's the thing. I know not many people share this particular preference, but what I really hate about getting to know a stranger in a dating context is the expectation of physical contact -- holding hands, kissing, cuddling. Now don't get me wrong; I love touch as much as the next person. But I hate the push for it. I don't like to touch people I don't know, and I certainly don't like to climb the steps toward intimacy with someone I've met twice.

Call it dignity, self-respect, anal retentiveness, mistrust of humanity, whatever you like. With the last guy who took me out, back in May, I allowed a little too much too quickly, and the result was extremely uncomfortable -- he expected right away what I am not willing to give (and we never went out again). Ever since, I've been sort of gunshy when a new guy inclines himself more toward the physical, because without knowing me well, it's an expression only of desire, not of trust, knowledge of one another, mutual admiration, and affection, built on the basis of the necessary chemical attraction.

And I prefer touch to come from the latter. Call me crazy, but what I want when I meet a guy is to get to know him, and to be known by him, for who he is and for who I am -- as a full person, not just a body. I'm sorry, but spending three or four nice hours in conversation with me does not give a man the right to expect a make-out session. That reduces the whole thing to a very short-term exchange of dating capitalism: You want conversation, so I'll give it to you, with the expectation that it's purchased with physical interaction at the end, so that I get mine too.

No thanks.

Now, I'm saying all this incredibly reactively; George was exceedingly nice and non-pushy. But the expectation was still there. And when I talked to him last night on the phone and explained my reservations, he was still willing to hang out with me in group settings as friends while we got to know each other...until he found out my voluntary and unbending limitations on sex. Then he politely told me he would leave the ball entirely in my court. Respectful, certainly; but it also revealed, however interesting and cool he found me, what he really wanted.

And I'm sorry, that exchange isn't good enough for me. I'm not satisfied with dinner, a movie, and three or four months of dating, before I yield up the greatest physical, spiritual, and symbolic intimacy one human being can have with another. To me it's not recreational, or a mere expression of warm feelings, or even an expression of real love with intent to marry; it is the thing itself, it's part of the heart of marriage and human companionship and love, and something infinitely worth the wait.

I know that I probably sound like a raging psychopath to a lot of people. I don't really discuss this very often, but for some reason I'm upset about it, and I have a fairly receptive audience here.

It all comes down to: This is what makes dating people who don't share the faith so difficult. At least you can expect a Christian guy to anticipate your principles, even if he'd be willing not to share them. Men who hold differing perspectives might go along with me (and this is one of the highest forms of respect), but I still feel like they're thinking I'm weird, some walking museum display of Victorian womanhood who, they can only hope, can be coaxed one of these days into the twenty-first century.

And with, as Jennifer has noted, the glaring lack of actively dating men in the Christian church, our options are sharply limited. But there's just not much we can do about it. I struggle with feelings of frustration and hopelessness quite often -- my standards tend to doom me to my single status. But ultimately I don't regret it. The message in church yesterday was, essentially, that it's easy, sometimes, to be a Christian. But at other times it's hard. And that's when you have to stick it out. It builds perseverance, and eventually reaps the harvest we were looking for. But you can't plant corn and pick it the next day; you have to work, and, hardest of all, wait.

I still maintain that it will be better in the end never to have the companionship or the physical joy that I want so badly, rather than sell out cheaply for quick and momentary happiness.

Next week you may find me weeping and gnashing my teeth at still being single, absolutely and without abate, at the verge of twenty-five. You may pity my old-fashioned scruples. And please don't think I scorn or disrespect those whose viewpoints in this arena differ slightly or greatly from mine. But this is my choice; I've made and continue to maintain it. I have a string of pearls, and I'm keeping it firmly away from the pigsty, because I'm looking for more than just the fun of wrestling in the mud.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Attitude Needs Adjusting

It’s exciting and fascinating to read about all the Fab Female expoits we’ve been having this summer. Marianne’s month in Italy not being "the hot chick"... the Science Girl moving to Chicago and preparing to begin medical school. Sarah starting a new job, and getting set up with a nice guy! David heading to New Orleans on a mission trip with his youth group. Margy finishing up nursing school and flying back to Sacramento. CT gearing up for 2L in New York. It’s difficult to believe that summer is almost at its end. Look what we’ve experienced, and how we got there. It’s amazing. For me, it’s been a wild ride... from the FEMA level natural disaster of flooding here in the El Paso desert... to trying to implement the Summer Challenge, and completely losing track of my ‘progress.’
Then there’s the inner struggle. Compared to six months ago, my faith feels lackluster. The other day I watched the movie Saved and felt hostile towards the Christian church. Especially when it comes to my current lifestyle. Yesterday, I went to a Habitat for Humanity construction project and saw dozens of soldiers volunteering on their day off. It was part of this Army program called Better Opportunities for Single Soldiers. It’s purpose - to uplift, encourage, and keep single soldiers active in the community. Not a meat market type organization, but a good, healthy thing to be involved in. Funny, there’s nothing like that at my own church. I found myself envious of those men and women.
At times, I am made very aware of how different the Christian lifestyle is compared to the world’s. If I was the regular average American Jane, I’d not likely have to scrutinize everything about the opposite sex. What’s their religious background? Are they a virgin? Do they really have a personal relationship with Christ? Should I go on a date with a non-Christian? If so, what should my physical boundaries be? If I was a Jane, I’d be busting out my birth control or Plan-B and wouldn’t have to wonder what other people thought of the strange, 24 year old virgin. Chances are, I wouldn’t be one. Now, I’m not saying I want the life of an average Jane. I’m all for a wonderful man who loves Jesus and me, and I’d happily marry him and hang up my spurs of bachelorette-hood. The problem is, I don’t meet any. And it seems like none of you are meeting any either. Statistically, there are more Christian women who are involved in a church then our male counterparts. Trust me, I’m definitely noticing that fact. I’ve never dated a genuine, Christian guy. Most of the readers on this blog haven’t either. Doesn’t that say something?
So this, ladies, is my beef with God. It’s why my heart feels cold and what I cry about when I’m alone. I’m finding it’s tremendously hard to live out the lifestyle God calls us to when my church has as many twenty-something singles as I have fingers on one hand. I don’t understand. I like good, Christian guys. Really. But they don’t return the sentiment. Ever. Awhile back I was explaining how post-grad marriages are the norm at Grove City College to a couple after youth group. The husband asked me, "So what happened to you?" I didn’t have an answer.
In the past year or so we’ve had this blog, I’m almost positive that not ONE of us has been asked out on a real date by a Christian guy. Since last week, I’ve been asked out (again) by the gay coworker, a Jewish reporter at another station, and have this sort of flirtation with another guy who, while has conservative views, doesn’t have a foundation of a relationship with God. What scares me, is that these guys are starting to look okay. (Except for the gay guy) I am very attracted to Bachelor #3 and find him strangely appealing. Why is God tossing me so many freaking red herrings. Deep down, I know that can’t consider any of these prospects seriously... but I want to. Now, the question is... how to handle it all. Live like a nun for life? Whatever I do, I believe that my own relationship with God will be damaged. If I ended up getting married to an unbeliever, that’s bad. But being single and distanced from God.. Also bad.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Unlucky in love? Stop beating yourself up--and think about moving. Maybe to Denver. After all, it is the best city for singles."

Forbes' 2006 Best Cities for Singles

Just a thought, in case you live in...oh, I dunno...El Paso?

This, from a guy who's still single in the 5th best city - before any of you bother to point it out.

How Phoenix and freaking Beantown beat us out is beyond me. Recount!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Out Of Left Field...

So I'd been hanging out with a new coworker along with the others lately. I very much assumed he was gay, so we just joked around and he openly makes sexual innuendo about all the women... but that's what gay guys do, right? And call you sweetheart, dress well, and like to decorate. On second glance, he seems more straight on some occasions.
Early this morning while at work (we're talking 1:30 in the morning) he called my extension and sounded a bit tipsy. The first thing I heard was "China Doll!" Tip off, right? He kept on asking me if there are "other guys in the picture" and why I wasn't dating him. All I could say was "uhh..." For most of the conversation I thought he was just messing with me, like all my gay friends do. But then he seemed almost hurt. I asked him why he was saying all that, because it was downright bizarre. The guy said, "WHY DO YOU THINK?" Am I really dense and he was drunkenly telling me he likes me, or is he just strange? I lamely said I liked being friends, but don't really date much, especially not people I work with. Still, I don't know if it was an elaborate gag or if maybe I had him pegged wrong. I have no idea. He's always hanging around the women in the newsroom and doesn't seem to be flirting with any of us.
I will say that we did lunch last week, and he didn't seem as gay as usual. Heck, I really don't know! If he's not gay, likes me, and feels rejected... I will feel terrible. If the guy IS straight though, it's very difficult to tell. He brings sandwiches and yogurt for lunch, doesn't eat fast food or watch sports, and is really a pretty boy. I've never had a gay guy tell me he likes me. Either that, or it was some sort of Punk'd situaton and a bunch of people I know were listening on speakerphone. Another possibility is that he plays for both teams, or that he just doesn't know he's gay yet. Any thoughts on this? I don't know what to do! I was hoping this guy and I could be buddies. I'm still not sure whether to speculate on his sexuality.