Fabulous Females

That's what this site is for: a place to gather all of the ideas and observations of real women living out the drama of single life in a world of "hooking up" and "putting out." If you'd like to become a poster, just give us your email address in a comment so we can invite you in! This is a non-discriminatory place to air out your feelings, so please be constructive! We also welcome men to post insight, comments, and advice on today's culture between males and females.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Why I Will Never Have a Boyfriend

Wrote this up on my personal blog just now and thought you guys would be amused. (I nearly posted it here instead.) So without further ado: Why I Will Never Have a Boyfriend.

I suppose I'm just ranting.

In the last couple of months, I've browsed through two different Christian books on sex--one written recently, the other in the '70s, pre-Roe v. Wade. I could talk about a few different things, but what struck me most was that both books are obviously intended for high school- and college-aged audiences; both authors keep talking about "young people" and "youth." They make the assumption that anyone older is married. On the one hand, their assumption is generally correct--it seems like the majority of Christians get married right out of school--but on the other, they're almost entirely neglecting the population of Christians who are in their twenties and thirties and beyond who haven't married (and thus, presumably, are to still remain abstinent in an oversexualized society).

I suppose what each author wrote would remain essentially the same when dealing with an older audience, but it irks me that they both ignore singles for whom the terms "youth" and "young people" are not entirely appropriate.

Friday, December 22, 2006

let us pray!

So, MP loaned me her book Getting Serious about Getting Married, by Debbie Maken, and I've been working my way through it, and loving it. Principally what I've gleaned from it is that it's really okay for me to express my dissatisfaction with my single state, because it's unnatural, particularly in the Christian tradition, and the church as a whole has let its young women down by telling us things like, "This is God's will. Just be content," instead of preaching marriage as God's will for all, with a few born exceptions (e.g. the Apostle Paul or Mother Theresa), and encouraging its youth to marry while they're still young.

So I've come away from it, chapter by chapter, being a little more vocal about what I want. I'm not buying the "contentment" doctrine anymore. Obviously I'm going to make the most of what I have, which is a pretty great life, and not sit around doing nothing but bemoaning the onrushing of my biological clock; but I'm also not going to settle for private misery by saying I don't want or need what I really want and need. It's taken a few people aback; in Protestant circles the Contentment Doctrine is so pervasive as to be assumed, and practically dogma. But my parents are now praying more specifically and more (I imagine!) effectively, and so am I. Instead of saying, "Well, God, if it's Your will, I'd like to get married someday," I'm saying, "Father, I know You've called me to a family. I would like one before I'm thirty. Please work it out SOON." And I know my parents are praying the same thing.

We're very concerned in the present-day church with submitting to God's will. Which is a good thing to do -- after all, He's sovereign, and as Isaiah 14:24 says, "As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand." But we seem to forget all the times when people have wrestled with God in prayer. Abraham even bargained with God to save the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah! Moses CHANGED GOD'S MIND a time or two when God wanted to destroy the Israelites for their stubborn disobedience. And Christ's parable of the persistent widow, where a woman with no legal rights and no protector kept bothering a crabby judge who finally yielded to her demand for justice just to get rid of her, shows that, if human persistence can win against a generally cruel person, how much more will it work for us when we're being persistent in our requests to a God who infinitely loves us!

Now, we of course don't need to presume that we're Moses. But God wants to listen to us, and God will. We may get "no" for an answer (for which, time after time, when I think about the guys I prayed to be with, I'm incredibly thankful), but up till we hear that "no," we should keep praying, persistently, for what it is we want to see happen.

Most Christians seem afraid to pray for what they want. Take our single situation, with which most of us are unhappy, if only in our secret hearts. Then work it into a typical prayer. It probably runs something like this: "Dear Lord, if it's Your will, I think I'd like a husband someday. I mean, I like children, and I'm not always happy by myself. Not that it isn't good enough if that's what You want for me forever, but if You want to give me a husband and family before I hit, you know, menopause, I think I'd like that. If it's Your will."

In what way is that a powerful prayer? What are we afraid of? That it's not what we should ask, that it's outside the will of God? That God's will is automatically contrary to our desires, that always not getting what we want will somehow better our souls? That our wishes and hopes and dreams and desires aren't important to God? That we're not even sure we want what we're asking? That we're going to make the wrong choice? That we're going to offset the balance of God's will? That we're wrong?

It's a passive way to pray. But if we examine Scripture, we see that the people who made a difference with their prayers weren't passive about it at all. Take Hannah, the mother of Samuel. She was barren, miserable, and looked down upon. She prayed so hard for a child that she appeared to be drunk and crazy, and the priest was worried about her behavior and sanity. And God GAVE her a child. Samson prayed for enough strength to wreak vengeance on his enemies. He got it. David prayed actively and hard all through the Psalms. Jacob wrestled with God until God blessed him.

Paul tells us often in the Epistles to "pray without ceasing," to "boldly approach the throne of grace." He also tells the churches he is wrestling in prayer for them. I'll bet Paul's prayers didn't run along the lines of, "Oh, God, if it's Your will, please let the Philippian church grow, and please bless them, if you want to, Father, because they're great. But if that's not Your will, it's fine."

Even Jesus tells us, over and over, to "ask whatever you wish in My name, and it will be given to you." It's generally understood that "in My name" means "according to My will." Some things are obviously in the will of God -- like the growth of the believers in the Philippian church. Or that a person will grow closer to God, or remain faithful to his wife and children.

Other times, we clearly don't KNOW what the will of God is, and this is where we hedge in our prayers. I wonder if we take this from the prayer of Christ at Gethsemane, where He prays, "Father, if it be your will, take this cup from me. But not my will, but yours be done."

This is an extreme example, and a strikingly singular example of prayer in the Bible. Christ was about to undertake the most difficult thing ever done in the history of creation -- to bear every sin of every person, [past,] present and future, and to suffer horribly and die doing it. But see, even then He wasn't afraid to ask for what He wanted -- not to have to do it. He simply expressed further that He wanted to do what was in accordance with the Father's will, which maintained His perfect obedience to God, and which He knew already.

We, who lack Christ's divine understanding of God, are allowed to pray boldly. If what we're asking is not in God's will, it won't happen, and that's when we actively work to submit. For example, if you think you want to be with a certain guy, and you're praying that it happens, and praying boldly, and he marries someone else, well, that's probably a "no." Because if you continue to pray to wind up with him, you're praying for his infidelity or divorce, or his wife's death -- none of which are Christian things to ask of God. So, okay, wrong call. Now you get to take stock of your situation, and try again. But at least it can never be said that you didn't ask.

I was discussing this with one of my friends recently, and she said that she was afraid to pray boldly for a specific guy because she was afraid she'd make the wrong choice -- that if her prayers were answered as she wished, he'd turn out to be the wrong guy. And this is where family and godly friends come in, to affirm or negate our choice. Because some guys that we really, really like aren't good for us. So listening to the counsel of Christians who know and love us well, in addition to praying hard and persistently for what you want, will help balance the equation. I prayed for a long time to wind up with the Millstone. But toward the end, even when I still wanted to be with him, I knew I couldn't even if he ever did decide he wanted me, because my friends and family all hated him. It was a moment when I had to subjugate my will to other people's, and take it that those other people's will was similar to God's will, because they were good and godly people, and had my best interest at heart. But I still asked. And learned to be glad when the answer became, obviously, "no."

"But the Lord's Prayer," a person might say. "It prays, 'Thy will be done'!" Yes. It prays, "Thy will be done ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN." Where there is no sin, or death, or sorrow. Naturally we always need to be open to the will of God, and always need to be willing to submit to His will. But we still should ask.

Ladies and gents, we live in a confusing world of many nebulous choices, where right and wrong aren't as clear. Behind all of it is a war that we can't see, but in which we play a huge part. Christ's redemption raised us from spiritual death and clothed us in the armor of God, so that we can take part in that war against an invisible army, to free the hostages among whose ranks we used to lie. If we're not praying hard and clearly, with focus, confidence, persistence, boldness, and strength, we're just standing on the battlefield staring at our swords wondering if it's God's will that we use them.

You might think that praying for a spouse (if you want one, and I think that, at least eventually, most of us do) is an unimportant part of that battle. But that's not the case. Godly families are crucial, particularly in our current society, so that we can raise a new generation of godly men and women to carry on the working out of God's will in the world -- a will to draw all people to Him, through love and social justice based on the willing sacrifice of the Incarnation whose birth we celebrate on Monday. Marriage for the majority of humanity, to be fruitful and multiply and raise children in godliness, is certainly part of God's will -- because "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Praying for your spouse might be one of the most important prayers you can forge in situations like ours.

So if we have a specific timeline in mind (because our fertile years do have an expiration date, and even before that we start to run some health risks and tire more easily), or if we see someone we're drawn to, and think he or she might be a good candidate for the passion, love, affection, companionship, and growth in faith that will shape our lives and a small (but important!) part of the future, we should feel free to pray in the specific.

After all, if we're wrong, we'll know.

It's God's will that we pray! (Read any Gospel or any Epistle.) God's will be done!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Beta Upgrade

Okay ladies and gentlemen. The time has come... to upgrade to some sort of blogger merger with Google. So in case you're wondering why you are no longer on the contributor list, that's why. Just go to the blogger page and there should be an offer to try the new Beta version. Then you'll be good to go again. =)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Family or Career? Love or Life?

I'm currently visiting my cousin in Virginia. She lives in the suburbs with her husband and son. She owns a beautiful home, drives a luxury sedan, and seems happy. I remember when she got married at the tender age of twenty-one. I thought that she was making a big mistake, and that she needed to graduate and experience life before making such a huge commitment. Nonetheless, fast forward seven years later she’s happily married and I try to visit her at least once a year.

Since arriving on Saturday afternoon (it's now Monday at 3 am), we have visited Walmart twice and Target once, went grocery shopping, went Christmas shopping, and watched a lot of movies (courtesy of blockbuster). The one reoccurring theme is quality time. They (my cousin and her husband) do everything together. They grocery shop together, picked me up from the airport together, run their errands together, cook together, take care of their son together, etc. They refer to each other exclusively as honey (or mommy and daddy when addressing their son). Her husband opens her doors for her and carries all the heavy things. They even have a little game they unwittingly play, which I've secretly dubbed Prince Charming and the Damsel in Distress. She pretends to be hopelessly helpless and he in return always comes to her rescue. This entails retrieving hard to reach objects and fallen objects amongst other tasks. He’s the Nick to her Jessica. Nonetheless, she seems happy.

I mean there have been hard times. Since they got married so young they've had to mature over the years. They had their share of ruthless arguments, but have honed their communication skills and stayed committed to their family. They've had their share of financial woes, but nothing a little financial ethics didn't solve (i.e. working hard, spending less, and saving more). He travels a lot for work, but when he is home he is completely involved with his family, and even when he’s physically absent he is still emotionally present. Still, their lives do seem a little boring: no chic social gatherings, intellectually charged conversations with their peers, and hot sexy flings; however, they do seem content, something I can’t say I’ve felt in a long time. So I ask myself, did my cousin make a mistake by marrying young and deferring her education and life experiences or did I make a mistake by forgoing marriage and kids for my graduate education and the life experiences of a young, single woman?

I’ve had a good life and done things my cousin wasn't able to do because of her responsibilities. I’ve done the excitingly superficial things, i.e. traveled extensively (domestically and internationally), lived in several major metropolitan cities, mingled with celebrities, went skiing in the Poconos, jetted away to island getaways with friends, etc. I’ve also received an amazing education that has positively impacted many aspects of my life. Overall, I have no complaints. However, on lonely nights with no prince charming in sight I wonder would I have forgone it all for true love at twenty-one.

After all, my cousin life isn’t bad at all. She’s not as highly educated nor does she share my life experiences, but she does own a gorgeous home and car, is financially secure (i.e. she pays for my annual visits to see her), she goes on a weeklong vacations once a year with her husband, only works part-time (if at all), and is unconditionally loved and cared for by her husband. Me on the other hand, I have a lot of college loans and with graduation still a semester away I can’t even start to consider a home or new car loan. And although I’d love to do Cancun for Spring Break, with the bar and related study courses I just don’t have the money to spare. And when I do graduate chances are I'll be working 40 plus hours a week and all the men in my age group without commitment phobias will already be spoken for.

I don’t regret my choices in life, I’m just considering, was it necessarily the better choices?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Where Is The Love?

Okay, this is a classic case of double posting. Just a warning...

We can choose a hometown to spend our lives in. We find out what our gifts are and decide what field to go into, spend four years at college (and grad school), want a long-term job with security, and pick a 401 K plan that, chances are, we’ll never look at ever again until age 65. We like and crave stability, people who love us, and law and order. Not the show, but societal peace and order. Even if a group of students are given the option to choose their own seats in a classroom instead of having them assigned, they will inevitably sit in the same ones day after day. So in all seriousness, why can’t we commit in relationships? Forget marriage or even engagement – heck, we can’t even make it to a third date in the year 2006. So-and-so just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ you. Greg isn’t ambitious enough. Steve’s teeth are too crooked. You’re too ‘into your career.’ You/they just aren’t ‘ready’ to date someone, and want to keep things super casual. It’s too weird to be with Dan, because it would mess up the friendship. I just don’t get it. People can’t stick with their significant others at the slightest tremor, yet we won’t change bank accounts even with a painful $30 a month service charge. It scares me how little knowledge and experience I have with commitment. It’s not that I don’t want that, but it appears so few others do. Back in the day, I didn’t think I wanted to get married or have children. Even after college, I equated marriage to a loss of freedom and dreams. How could I pursue my profession if I had to sacrifice for my husband’s career? Would I be doomed to watch Oprah while folding laundry? Even at homecoming last October, a bunch of girls and I sat around a table eating cookies and chatting about our futures. We all agreed we didn’t want to become boring housewives.But now? I believe marriage helps us become better people, grow in wisdom, and reach our goals better than we could on our own. And as for the trapped argument? I feel trapped and lonely as a single woman. I’d do anything to have someone here with me who I’m completely comfortable with, can open up to and trust, and who loves and supports me. I am not an island. As much as I try to be, it doesn’t work. Time and time again, I’ll fail. We singles waste so much time thinking about the opposite sex, if they noticed us, if they’ll call, what ‘phase’ the relationship is in. Wouldn’t it be nice to be rid of all that? An amazing book I’ve been reading is ‘Why Can’t I Fall In Love’ by Shmuley Boteach, my personal hero. Honestly, it’s changed my outlook in love and marriage. In the past few years, my fear of falling in love and risking heart break has waned. In fact, I’d say I’ve garnered a lot more confidence and hope. Boteach lays out how God created man and woman to come together as one. And when God said that, he didn’t mean for a one night hook-up. He meant... well, for life.

Falling in love actually frees you on many levels. It enlarges rather than diminishes you, because the most important freedom in life is the freedom to maximize your human potential, to take whatever gift you have on the inside and make something of it on the outside. When we are deprived of this freedom, we live in pain and disillusionment. When we have no one to draw us out, the pain we experience is terrible. Love enables us to bring out that interior gift. - Shmuley Boteach

Over the last week or two, I’ve been catching up with some old friends – all guys. Let me preface this by saying that I was the ultimate gal pal in college. As a freshman I knew about 90% of all the guys in my class and a good number of the girls. No, I was far from a flirt. In actuality, I’m one of the most platonic people on the planet. Although I’m no sports buff, I spend most of my time with friends of the male persuasion. Never dated any of them. Got to know them well, and cherish those days greatly. On Thanksgiving, I had a few glasses of wine over the phone with my friend M. He was working on Bourbon in another state. Back in the day we played poker, watched Joe Millionaire, and I was the official photographer/videographer on his birthday. He recently moved to Florida from Pennsylvania to accept a job and live on the beach. Unfortunately, he also moved away from his wonderful girlfriend. We discussed his relationship at great length and he expressed just how much he misses her and wants to be together in the same city. He felt that in retrospect, he shouldn’t have taken the job in Florida and is now looking for a new direction in Pennsylvania. Last night, I spoke to another friend who’s become quite a fixture in my life. C. is a really wonderful person. Kind, intelligent, funny, self-deprecating, loyal and trustworthy. He’s been through a difficult time with the lady in his life as well. He told me wholeheartedly that he’s in love with her, wants to spend the rest of his life with her starting right now, and just needs to know if she wants the same thing. He’s been wondering the same thing for about a year. Regardless of what happens between them, he genuinely wants her to be happy, even if it isn’t with him. These two men are in love. They’re not afraid of jumping in headfirst and experiencing all that life has for them in that area. M. and C. are bold, wise, and rare. A woman should consider herself extremely blessed to find herself in a romantic situation with anyone like the friends I just mentioned. Every week, I’ve been mentally recapping interesting new things I’ve learned. Through my friends, I’ve learned that there is hope. Not everyone is afraid of commitment. I want to be one of those people. So my question to you is why? Why are you afraid? What stops you from giving love a chance? Why can’t you fall in love?