Heart - Now On Sleeve

You all are so honest and open... that I really think I owe you the same courtesy. Over the past eight years or so, I’ve done two things. 1) Done a complete about circle in some ways and 2) Done a 180 in others. As far as my spiritual walk with the Lord goes, I went from being sold out for Christ in high school... to a really lukewarm college student... and now am in a similar place as in high school again. It’s somewhat nostalgic, almost like I never left high school. Being in this place that I am now, it feels like a simpler time... one where I get back some of the innocence I used to have.
Anyway, I tend to put on this exterior (without intending to) that I’m anti-guys. Friends used to wonder if I was even remotely love struck, because I never talked about guys. Now, I’m so buddy-buddy with males that I ponder the thought that, perhaps, I put out some sort of "asexual" vibes to everyone.
As a teenager, I was career driven to an extreme. I sent letters to colleges I was interested in, back when I was 12. In ninth grade, I took practice LSAT’s at the public library. (By the way, I did pretty well for a 14 year old.) While crushing on this nice, funny, but awkward boy in my church youth group I told everyone I didn’t want to get married until I was at least 35. My parents and I do not discuss my personal life. They occasionally ask, but I just don’t tell them anything.
In college I quickly became nauseated by the constant "creekings" whenever a guy on campus got engaged. The "Congratulations" posters plastering upperclasswomen’s dorm hallways all started to blur together and look the same. And here’s the funny part. I liked guys... quite a few guys. Most of them were the distant crushes, boys who you didn’t even know their name and they didn’t know yours either. The next time I’d see them, they were getting thrown in the darn creek.
Then there were the young men that I really, truly could see a future with. They were all nice guys. Really nice, great, funny, intelligent, light-up-the-room type of guys who love the Lord. And they had something else in common - they ALL rejected me. Every single one of them. Somewhere along the lines, I stopped believing that I’d ever meet anyone like that who would love me just as-is. I’ve spent a long time - years - trying to figure out the mystery. Trying to crack the puzzle. Was there a certain formula that I had to be? Are those guys just not attracted to me?
So here I am a few years out of school. Still in the same spot I’ve been since high school. When I moved across the country to El Paso, I thought it was strictly a career move. I didn’t expect anything else. Almost two years later, this city’s had the opposite effect on me. Maybe it’s the culture, maybe it’s the people - but mostly it’s got to be God. My eyes have been opened to how important and wonderful having a family is. Work is work, and at the end of the day I come home alone. My job seems so menial compared to what it would be like to be a wife and mother. I can’t believe I’m saying this. Most of all, I can’t believe I find myself in this position. Me, the former housewife-hater. Heck, I can now say I’m even open to that lifestyle choice myself. Have I been abducted by aliens?
What’s so ironic about this... Is that the city where I had this self discovery, isn’t going to be the city where that becomes a reality. Like Abbie, I have not had a date in a really, really long time. This year, I have decided that I need to go on ONE date. Not one-hundred... just one. And not even a good one at that. Even a trip to the drive-thru counts, looking back on my track record.
It feels really mean for God to do this to me now. Right as I’m having an epiphany on love, he wipes the rug of opportunity out from under my feet. The whole ‘no personal life’ thing is getting old quickly. I’m not interested in white weddings and cake and presents, I’d just like some encouragement and optimism that it’s an option in the future. And it’s definitely not there. I’m basically a nun without the habit.
Worst of all, there is someone that I have a significant amount of feelings for. Again, (of course), they’re not returned. He’s only the two-thousandth love interest that doesn’t seem to be really seeing me. I want to just tell this guy, "Hey! I’m a great girl! And I’m here! And I like you!" He’s one of those fellas that gets shut down by every girl he asks out, because he’s clueless at picking them out. I enjoy his company and love the kind of person he is. Unfortunately, I would bet a lot of money that he’s not attracted to me. Otherwise, he probably would have done something about it by now. If things go according to Jennifer’s life as we know it, he will start dating someone that I introduced him to. They will get married, and then I’ll want to kick myself for the two-thousandth time. If you’re thinking to yourself that I need to have more hope, think no more. I’ve been there, done that. Did nothing. Got the t-shirt. You can also call me rather cynical about the whole arena of love, but you’d got to admit, I have every right to those views.
In the past few months, I’ve become like the little boy Sam, from the film "Love Actually." His mother recently died in the movie, but he’s also dealing with his puppy-love for a classmate who shares the same name as mom - Joanna. He can’t picture anything worse than the total agony of being in love, and not being able to do anything about it. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of Sam in myself.
I also see a little bit of Mark in myself. Mark is in love with his best friend’s new wife. He acts coldly toward her, because he can’t stand to be around her knowing that he’ll never be able to do anything about it. Actually, I think I am a lot like the Mark character. Okay, I am eternally Mark. No, I’ve never been in love with anyone’s husband. I’m just always drawn to men that I know will never give me their heart... or see me as the young woman who can give them mine. When will I stop being "Sam" and "Mark." I don’t want to be Sam OR Mark.
So I don’t know what you all have to say to me. I’m not asking for advice or even encouragement. Just wanted to put this all out there, because it’s the real deal for me. Frankly, it hurts for me to type out the words and think about them all. I’m not usually the spill your guts kind of person. But I’ve been in a rather dark place in some areas, and felt I can share this.

Pants.

All right I give. I have been a member of this blog basically since it first began, months ago, and while I think I have commented very occasionally, I have not yet tossed my hat in the ring with a real honest-to-goodness post. Here goes.

I go to Messiah College, but I am familiar with the ways of Grove City, as my brother (and his wife, mind you) went there, and my cousins go there and my best friend Rachel goes there. I don’t know what the Grove is like in regard to this, but it is a commonly agreed upon fact that here at MC, boys are wusses. They don’t ask girls out. I am sure that they fear girls’ expectations and that they fear the DTR and don’t expect to propose, so they don’t ask girls out. But this is faulty logic. Because not every girl wants to get married after one date. In fact, most of us don’t want that at all. I have already had a very complicated and difficult and long relationship that left me with a very broken heart, and I thought (once upon a time) that he was the one. And now I’ve had to give him up entirely, for the sake of my own sanity. So right now, I don’t want to be proposed to. I just want some guy who I like to take me to a movie.

You would think that on a campus of 2800 people – 60% of us girls – there would be a number of guys to pique my interest. And you would think that I would pique, well, someone’s interest. I mean, come on! I’m fun, I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m talented, I’m ridiculously loyal, etc etc etc. Oh yes, and they tell me I’m striking and beautiful (some days I even believe them). So why have I not been asked out on a single date since I got here in August of 2003? Now, I will admit that there are two guys on this campus who would ask me out if I would let them, but honestly, one of them is more feminine than I am and that’s a huge problem, as you might suppose, and the other one simply isn’t right. He isn’t the kind of man I would want to marry and I don’t think we’re compatible at all – yes, that’s thinking ahead, but I have to, because if I didn’t think ahead, I would just say yes and be totally selfish about it - have fun with him because I can - and we’d both end up hurt in the end. So that’s no good, either.

In the meantime, there is a guy – one lone, single guy – who I really like. I’ve actually had a bit of crush on him since last year, but then I was abroad last semester and really hadn’t even thought about him, and now I have a class with him again. Now, this guy and I were flirting pretty crazily the first 2 weeks of the semester. But it occurred to me, after putting out some very small feelers to see how he’d respond and getting nothing in return, that I had no real reason to think that he liked me as anything more than a fun classmate – which is what I am to most people – and that’s okay, but I’m trying not to flirt as much. Because I can’t afford to get my own hopes up. The thing is, I don’t think my future husband is on this campus, and that’s scary for me, because as an actress, I have no life outside the theatre- and that’s going to be even more drastically true when I’m out of college – so when will I ever have time for a relationship?

I know, I know, trust in God’s timing. The reasons I started writing this post are the following:

-My mother recently asked me on the phone if I’d been asked out on any dates lately, like it was the most natural thing in the world. I said, “Mom, I haven’t been asked out since high school.” And sadly realized that I wasn’t even exaggerating.

-A friend heard that story and said, “Really? I don’t understand that at all.” implying that of COURSE I should get asked out all the time. But I don’t.

-When I was lamenting my situation – never being asked out, only liking one or two guys on the whole campus – to my roommate, she said, “Well, maybe if you weren’t married to the theatre department-“, and I said “Don’t blame ME!!!” and after discussing it further, we agreed that even if I wasn’t married to my major, I probably still wouldn’t get asked out, because she is a very similar person to myself in a lot of ways and she doesn’t get asked out either, despite being ridiculously amazing. And she even HAS a social life.

-When I started discussing this with two friends, one of whom is a guy who I’ve known since the first week of my freshman year (tho he is now gay, which he supposedly wasn’t then), said, “Maybe if you wore the pants a little less. I mean, you are who you are and that’s great and you’re very….. (he said something like forceful, but I don’t remember what word he used)... and that’s why we love you, so don’t change that, just maybe… a little less.” And then we had a very jokey conversation about how I should send this guy I liked a pair of pants (or a pic of a pair of pants) with a note attached that said, “If we were in a relationship, I’d totally let you wear these.” Har, har. The thing is, as much as I’m taking this friend’s advice with a grain of salt, I think maybe he’s right? I began to wonder how intimidating I actually am, and I suddenly felt like Tracy from The Philadelphia Story, like a bronze statue that people admire but that no one can passionately love because no one can get past the ideal of the statue. (Where IS Cary Grant when you need him? Or even Jimmy Stewart. I'd be okay with Jimmy Stewart, too...)

This post is sounding very egocentric, isn’t it? It is not meant to in any way, but ask Marianne, I do have a pretty… “big” personality, and while I am not as loud or crazy as some people – and while I am certainly not an aggressive/competitive type – and while I am about the least abrasive actor you’ll meet – I imagine I’m still pretty intimidating.

My only comfort at the moment is that I am truly trying not to wear the pants as far as boys are concerned and I’m not pursuing any guys right now, even as friends, because it’s gotten me in trouble in the past, and because if they want me, they’ll have to come and get me, and any man worth my time is going to love me for my… “initiative”. Yes, that’s right, for my pants, which I will gladly hand over to the right man at the right time. … Pun intended.

So, folks, is the “I think I intimidate people” excuse a valid one? Or am I delusional? Does “pants-wearing” send guys running scared? Or do I just need to get off this silly Christian campus into a world of more possibilities?

Remember, I’m not asking for a ring. I’m asking for a nice guy to take me to the movies sometime.



*NOTE: In England, the term "pants" means underwear in one context and "sucky" in another. For example, when my friend Alex wanted to say something was totally sucky, she'd say, "It was absolutely pants, because-" I find this funny, because wearing the pants is turning out to be, well, pants. Comments on this and all the rest of the above more than welcome.

Movie Magic!

This morning I had a revelation and wanted to write about it. Let me preface it with this..
When I was younger I subscribed to Zillions magazine, which was basically Consumer Reports for kids. In one issue, the magazine looked into commercials for board games. Research found that in a majority of the commercials, a boy was depicted as being the "winner" of the game. Hardly any ads featured a girl winning. Even for the "girlier" games like Mall Madness, those commercials showed no clear "winner." Zillions apparently thought this was sexism in advertising. As a 10 year old girl, I was disheartened.
Much like this concept, I’ve noticed a similar approach to blockbuster films. Think about it. I can think of title after title where the plot goes something like this: Geeky science fair-type teenager is in love with gorgeous high school girl who’s dating the captain of the football team. Eventually, she falls for the nerd and jilts He-Man. OR a movie that goes something like this: Homely shy teenage girl is crushing hard on her guy friend (who is most likely in love with the gorgeous girl dating the captain of the football team). While guy is pursuing underage hotness, his friend gets a makeover. All of a sudden the dense dude "notices" his new and improved friend - they live happily ever after, or until one of them leaves for college in another state. Another take on this idea is a film (Drive Me Crazy, anyone?) where a well-adjusted beautiful girl learns to love a sloppy neighbor. Can’t Buy Me Love, Clueless, Secret Admirer, 10 Things I Hate About You, Revenge of the Nerds, Breakfast Club (multiple examples), etc etc etc...
My point is that, I can think of VERY FEW, if any movies where a hot guy ends up with a less-attractive girl. The film that sort of fits this theme is Babycakes starring Ricki Lake, where her character - an overweight woman - lands the hunk.. And yes, I’d like to forget about that movie too. Is this saying that girls are expected to be less superficial than their male counterparts? Hollywood is telling young women everywhere that they either need to go for the pocket-protector types/guys that don’t take a shower, or get a push-up bra and raid department store cosmetics counters in order to impress the more attractive dudes. Rarely, does it seem that teenage guys are encouraged to look beneath a female’s surface. They can get any girl because culture dictates it. One example that comes to mind is the movie the Breakfast Club. Princess-y Claire is sexually harassed by Judd Nelson’s character (who by today’s standards is bomb-threat Dylan Klebold material), but by the end of the movie she is giving him diamond earrings and making out with him in front of her uptight rich father. Meanwhile, Ally Sheedy plays the "basketcase" crazy girl who enjoys seeing her dandruff flakes fall out of her hair. Emilio Estevez all of a sudden notices her cuteness factor in the last five minutes of the movie, only after Claire "transforms" her by putting a bow in her hair and applying eyeliner on the poor girl.
The only movie I can think of that even remotely promotes healthy attraction is Garden State. It was refreshing to think that a guy can fall for a zany girl with epilepsy who lives at home with a gazillion pets. Sure, she was quirky - but that just made Natalie Portman even more lovable. Most movies don’t portray that girls are three dimensional. They're not "complicated" and they are easily categorized. It’s just so hard to find a movie with an interesting female in it these days.
I have a difficult time watching "chick flicks." They make me depressed. I’d like to think that the guys played by actors like John Cusack and Bill Pullman really do exist, but I know that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Their characters are so out of touch with reality, they give us a distorted view of what guys are like.
So I’m not sure what do to. Are there any really good REALISTIC romance films? If so, please enlighten me. I am losing faith!

Whoa... Mom's supposed to become "Hitch"?

Check out this video.... Titled "Boys to Men: Raising Good Husbands"

http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=e9c01f79-063a-4bc7-bc28-65c5d87f8105,892affcc-16bb-4673-8d65-a4e41e50c74f&t=c164&f=06/64&p=