how many men does it take to change a fabulous female?*

Speaking of pining, I recently came across the following letter (journal entry, actually) from a long-ago ex, dated 13 Oct 2002. Before I toss it out with all the other relics of an ill-fated relationship, let me use an excerpt as a bridge to a topic near and dear to my heart…

“You intrigue me. You always intrigued me, from the first time I saw you . . . I would hear and see things about you that only intrigued me more: like that you didn’t watch R-rated movies or wear pants and that you were against intervis. Maybe it struck me as a little extreme at the time, plus I was on my whole anti-opposite gender kick as well, plus of course I’m shy, so it was convenient to just not do anything. . .

“Last night, you came over [and] I just wanted to come right out and say, ‘Look, I’m really interested in you and if you want to take things slowly, that’s fine, but you could you just tell me whether you’re interested or not so I know and don’t do or say anything stupid.’ Well, I guess I came kind of close to saying that, but then I decided that maybe I don’t know just yet. Even though I was getting a little frustrated with not knowing, part of me was loving it at the same time. I think it’s really classy about how you’re going about this. . . with the guy doing all of the work . . .“

Ah, those golden days of first love and feminism! This note brought to mind the old freshman feminist on a rampage to spurn the evil ways of man (ok, so nothing has changed :). And he was an angry, woman-hating libertarian - God forbid! This would never work. (It didn’t.)

Still, this letter might remind the fabulous females out there (as well as me) that there’s something to be said for living without a passing thought for what some guy might think. . . . that sometimes hard-to-get really is better – when it not a mere game, but a way of life. . . . that it doesn’t always matter if you aren’t on the market or you don’t fit the mold. . . .

The thing is, for most of my life, a significant other was the last thing on my mind. As a young child, an unmistakable sense of destiny had so seized me that early on I determined not to let anything get in the way of it. E.g., I wanted to start college when I was 12; I began when I was 15. I wanted to live abroad long-term; now I am. In my mind, boys were nothing but an obstacle between me and my dreams, and so, quite simply, they had to go.

I blame this tenacity on my father, a minister for whom the term “missionary zeal” was probably invented. For all faults of fundamentalist Christianity, it did leave this mark: to pursue a calling with utmost abandon – with or without a man, whether or not anyone approved. For this reason, though my beliefs have grown liberal through the years, I see conservative Christianity as in some ways more empowering than any wave of feminism ever could hope to be.

Today, I am neither a fundamentalist nor a feminist . . . or, for that matter, a first love. But reminiscing on that elysian life before boys, I find myself wanting to reaffirm some of that original resolve, a firmness of purpose that pre-exists any relationship and serves as a litmus test for them all. Because it honestly doesn’t matter if no one likes me, just so long as the right One does in the end. . . who will love me for who I am. Right??

How about you: Do any of you have any experience of someone being drawn to you because of your unwavering commitment to something? Or, alternatively, have you ever changed something fundamental about yourself because of someone – for the worse? (I know I have!)

Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll find someone that is not a hindrance, but a help, to my passion. Until that time, however, here I stand; I can do no other. God help me. Amen!

on pining

Here's this thing I've been noticing in my gentleman friends lately. They are far more prone to pining over "that one girl" with whom it didn't/couldn't/shouldn't work out than are most of the girls I've known.

I have some hypotheses about this, but nothing conclusive. Girls can be badly broken, and take a long time to heal (it's taken me almost six years since my last bad burn to get up the gumption to start dating again), but I've never pined for the guy that burned me. I've despised him, actually. And I've moved on.

I can't actually think of any guy I've ever liked, had a crush on, or a brush of romance with, about whom I still think, "He was IT." Now, there are some that I think, "If we run into each other again, maybe something could happen," but that's all hypothetical and fun daydreaming. I haven't set my heart on the shelf next to someone else's that I can't have.

And I don't know of any girls that do. If we pine for someone, it's in the present/future sense. "If only he weren't dating her," or "Maybe someday he'll realize how awesome I am," or, "I'll get to know him and hope that eventually it works out." Oh yes, I definitely do that. But look on a past relationship and wish I could have him back? No.

But my guy friends do this continuously. It's like, once a guy has committed himself, he's thrown his whole being into it, and wants it to be forever, and when it's not, it's difficult to regroup. Whereas women like myself are more willing to commit, but there's always some reservation, or a resilience, that allows us to bounce back and commit to someone else.

I've talked to a couple of guys lately who have said, "I really enjoy your company, but I'm still in love with this other girl, even though we're not together and probably won't ever be again."

I'm certainly not complaining -- hanging out with a guy who's unavailable to serious commitment makes for a comfortable, lighthearted friendship (and who knows what the future holds?). It's just an observation. I don't think girls pine away after a man in the past as much as we're stereotyped to do. I think guys actually tend to do that more.

It makes for interesting gender relationships.

broadsided

Okay, so this week has been wild.

Long story short: The end of this week will see me having had at least two dates with two different gentlemen (and THEY asked!).

The first one took place on Wednesday evening -- a man I know through business asked me to dinner, and I enjoyed five hours in his company. He's 35, from Pennsylvania, and closing on a house in June. He's funny, and considerate, and attractive, although a good four inches below my height. (But this always happens, so I'm not all that worried about it.)

A couple of considerations are that although a moderate believer, he's rather lapsed and inactive in the faith. The other thing is that he's up for more physical involvement than I am. But as my coworker Mary says, "You're young. Just have fun." So as long as he respects my boundaries and standards, it could be a lighthearted dating relationship. And if nothing works out, no big; we're both professional and I don't think our business relationship will suffer.

We'll see; he said he'd call me this weekend.

The other date takes place on Saturday over coffee. A delightful man that I met through MP at Notre Dame. And he is not lapsed or inactive in the faith, and is a complete gentleman.

THEN I might be having lunch soon with the head chef at one of the local events places. I met him at the tail-end of the auction, and he's incredibly good-looking and quite taken with me. (I just have to find out what his name is. Yes, it's ridiculous. I ran into him downtown the other day while participating in an event that benefitted the Center, and we had some good conversation, and as he left he said, "You should come over for lunch sometime." "I will," I said.)

I must be working the mojo this week. I have no idea how. But I'm managing to turn a lot of heads (even the ancient doctor who saw me this morning for my appointment), and although I've been dragging around with depression fatigue, I'm RACKING UP THE POINTS, LADIES!

I don't know how much more excitement I can stand. It's been a pleasant change from the usual, however. Oh, particularly since The Perfect Man is now seeing someone else. She's fabulous, and I certainly don't begrudge her. But I'd be in a lot more of a funk if so much of this other stuff weren't going on.

Woo-hoo!

XXXtreme Challenge

Okay, ladies and gents... We're going to take this Summer Challenge to the next level. Yes, I'm on some sort of crack and spent some time thinking up some, well, interesting point busters! [Disclaimer - this list is not to be taken seriously at all!]

Must-Have/Do List for Summer 2006

1) 10 points: Stop the dangerous pattern of being someone's Intellectual Whore! http://www.intellectualwhores.com/whyiw.html
2) 5 points: Buy taser (aka: Veronica Mars!)- to use on creepy people who hit on you
3) 20 points: Invent alternative fuel source, solving the world's oil problem, ending the U.S. dependence on the Middle East, and in the process become extremely rich
4) 15 points: Hunt down Osama Bin Laden (isn't there a bounty out on the guy?) - teach him to love mankind and abandon the need for terrorism
5) 10 points: Get your groove/mojo back
6) 50 points: Get married (extra 10 points if you do it drive-by style in Vegas with an Elvis impersonator as the officiant)
7) 5 points: Start letter writing campaign to your local Congressman/woman
8) 3 points: Become expert on 'The Da Vinci Code' and debate with friends and acqaintances
9) 2 points: Make out your will/finalize life plans/reserve cemetery plot and buy casket so you don't end up like Terri Schiavo
10) 50 points: Be the most active poster on Fabulous Females this summer

because she needed him more

So, a strange blessing fell on me this week.

Tuesday MP and I drove to PA for the memorial service of a professor who died in a car accident last week. (It was sad. I don't want to talk about it.) We wound up sitting next to an old college friend and his wife, whom I haven't seen in two years.

This guy and I go back to our freshman year, when I learned from mutual friends that he really, really liked me. (My friend Andrew says that every girl is the girl for some guy. I was the girl for him, for awhile anyway.) But he wasn't the guy for me. I told him this (still don't know if that was the best thing, but I'm called to mind that quote from Ride with the Devil: "It ain't wrong and it ain't right. It just is"), and afterward our friendship more or less evaporated. And then he started dating the girl who is now his wife.

I tried to like him back. I tried really hard. He's a gem, a "prince among men," as MP says. But he just wasn't for me. And I was sad and resentful that this girl stole away the rest of my friendship with him. So we quite openly didn't get along for a year, until one day she pulled me aside and said, "I don't think we're friends. And I want to be friends." After that our interactions were much more amicable, but I still felt weird about her relationship with my old friend.

Of course, once they got married, I set all questions aside. At that point, it's forever. But I wondered how they were doing.

And they're doing really well. Sitting next to her at the memorial service, I remembered knowing her as a freshman and sophomore, and listening to her talk about all her then-current and ex-boyfriends, who treated her horribly. And I remembered all I knew about my friend -- his goodness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and devotion. And I thought how he would never, ever treat her the way her old boyfriends did.

And I was fiercely glad they got married. Have I still sometimes felt like I threw away something great? Yes. But I had to; he wasn't in my future (yes, I believe in fate). But he was in hers. And it's good for both of them. I think she sharpens him toward what he can be. And he utterly loves her.

So it was a lovely blessing to have all those old questions answered, and to see how God has worked things for the best. And to know that through this man, God has met the right woman's needs.

Still waiting for Him to fulfill mine (though probably He is and I'm just not paying attention, because I'm looking for the sunrise when I'm supposed to appreciate the night constellations), but it's bolstering to witness His works in others' lives. It gives me greater hope.

Let the Sunshine In

Oh, yes...the concluding song of Hair. I've actually never been so moved in my life as when I saw a performance of the infamous musical in my home city. And as I happen to have Old Navy's "Retro Rock" CD of three summers ago, I can listen to this song endlessly.

But here's the thing -- the great thing -- that's been happening lately. I'm slowly starting to come out of the night of the soul that set in with the coming of winter. The sun is usually shining, the leaves are maturing on the trees, and it's getting gloriously hot. I'm waking up eager to greet the new day, go to work with my coworkers who are becoming my friends and with whom I've been spending a great deal of after-hours time, and give life more of my all.

And it reminds me: We go through seasons of faith too. (Cue "Every Season" by Nicole Nordeman.) We have a spring, a birth-time, when everything is new and fresh and stirring and we're unbelievably in love with God; we have a summer, when all is deep joy, relaxation, trust, and contentment, and when all our gifts are ripening toward harvest; we have an autumn, when our gifts reach a peak and begin to sink down to fallowness; and we have a winter, when everything is desolate, when our hope and our joy and even our love hibernate, and we wonder if we'll ever know peace, rest, or certainty again.

One of my friends -- I think it was Adam -- said the other day that there is beauty in recognizing that we have an organic faith -- that even the best and the strongest of us are subject to grief, fear, doubt, frustration, and loss of trust in the divine. But the death phase itself does not last, even as the "mountaintop experiences" never last. We change, the seasons change, our circumstances change, and often our faith or experience of God changes (and grows) with them. We know that this is biblical by examining the Psalms and the book of Jeremiah. We will without fail know moments of bleakness and extreme doubt as well as moments of hope and powerful faith. It's all part of the process toward being "mature and complete, not lacking in anything."

This is where David's (of the last post) challenge comes in: While we can rarely muscle our feelings out of deep grief or disappointment or vast loneliness, we can accept the circumstances and live through them. Oftentimes this means nothing more than getting up, fulfilling your obligations for the day, and surviving. Oftentimes this means grieving into your popcorn bowl while watching "While You Were Sleeping" for the twentieth time alone. Other times this means readjusting the straps of your burden (like a backpack full of heavy textbooks) and walking forward. And still other times (pleasanter ones) it means celebrating.

There is a natural, good time to grieve for the hopes deferred. There are times when keeping a stiff upper lip is impossible. And there is a point where we have to put the mourning away. Recognizing where grieving crosses the line into wallowing takes some serious discernment; it's even harder if you know you're actually depressed. But at some point, there's a time to grip whatever's hurting you with both hands and keep walking anyway. Or to throw it away if you can.

I've been in a period of mourning for the past four months. It's getting to be time (helped by the weather) to start doing something about my life. There's a lot to do. But I'm getting started. It helps to know that there are small decisions of courage I can make each day -- even if it's the courage to smile at someone. It helps to know that it's nearly summer, when I can take evening trips up to Lake Michigan and stare over the water. It helps to know that this past long stretch of sadness will not be fruitless. It helps most of all to know that "those who have sown in tears will surely reap in joy."

And as for a summer challenge -- I'm in! How many points do I get for participating in a triathalon when I'm NOT athletic? I'm looking forward to it!

Alone vs. lonely

OK...to deal with the common theme of late (of this blog at large?)...we've all been home alone on a Friday night, aight? Even the most beautiful shallow girls that all the Christian guys are asking out instead of you - they, even they, have had their lonely nights at home, where everything just seems empty.

Frankly, in the past 6 years since college (SIX YEARS SINCE COLLEGE) - most Friday nights I'm so overworked and under-rested that I collapse on the couch with take-out Chinese and a glass of wine and a good movie - and I couldn't be happier. But I still know the feeling. 6 years is a lot of Friday nights spent by yourself. Its a hell of a lot of mornings to wake up alone. Stop your shock factor, I am talking about waking up with my wife.

Sleep is still most perfect, in spite of hygienists, when it is shared with a beloved. The warmth, the security and peace of soul, the utter comfort from the touch of the other, knits the sleep, so that it takes the body and soul completely in its healing. -- D.H. Lawrence

It sucks. The feeling sucks. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Literally.

But the Biblical response is this: to say, "OK, God. This is what you want. I accept Your plan - maybe tearfully, maybe joyfully - but I will walk this path." And then live out a life devoted to Him. (Someone else said this once - hint: he said it in a garden while everyone one else was asleep).

I know that doesn't make you all warm and fuzzy and make the lonely Friday nights go away. But it is where you start. Take it from someone who's walked the longer road. Day in and day out, you begin to focus on what's more important - on reaching a world in need. Your heart starts to soften in new ways. You begin to learn things you never knew you needed to know. You find true sorrow and even truer joy.

It takes a rather stern setting of the jaw to get past your self pity. And I'm not accusing anyone here of the embarrassing sin of self pity, but since I was once there, perhaps someone reading this will honestly connect with that position. Once you make that decision - to be busy being the right person rather than finding the right person, your whole outlook begins to change.

And you realize that someday, if you do cross paths with that person, you'll be no needy wretch that's been pining away all these years, but a busy, beautiful, well-purposed being that is a light in a dark world - and what an attractive light it will be.

Sleepless in El Paso

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of what it is that makes males and females different. It all started with that post about "guy places" and "girl places."

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6182&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=8134

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=6181&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6&GT1=8134

Then earlier today I spotted these two articles on MSN.com. They’re on secret guy and gal "turn-ons." Now, I’ve always read in magazines like Seventeen (back in the day) and Cosmopolitan that men like women who aren’t afraid to eat, like wearing his t-shirts, and can do stuff like camping and killing bears with their bare hands.
But on an episode of The View, Dr. Phil was explaining his new book "Love Smart." Sure he’s a quack, but some of what he said made a little sense. Basically, he said that women tend to mold themselves to a man’s tastes and habits. You know, if he likes cars... she likes cars. If he wants to go out and shoot pool at a bar, she will go to hang out with him. Sure, I’ve been there. I’ve pretended to be interested in old Westerns. I’ve actually played Magic: The Gathering. Then, Dr. Phil told every housewife and third-shift worker (like me) in America that men don’t like that. They like women with interests, and her own hobbies. And I get it. I really do.
Although there is no way I’ll ever pick up a copy of Dr. Phil’s book, I do follow it’s principles. I’ve learned how to be myself, and I enjoy my extracurricular activities like hanging out with my church’s high school youth group, photography (although I’m saving for a new camera), and my unrestrained passion for television’s Veronica Mars (even though it may get the ax). There are a few guy-ish qualities that I will fess up to, such as playing poker, eating really greasy food, watching Frat pack movies, and yes - David - shooting pool. Most of all, I love my Lord and Savior and put Him first in my life.
On the more utilitarian side, I don’t have much emotional baggage, have a steady and promising career in news, own a home and car, am prudent with finances, and make a killer meatloaf! I’m also fun and energetic, love to dance, and have been told I’m a funny gal.
So now it’s my turn to whine, once again. Honestly, I just don’t get it. The seemingly NWAM’s (Normal Well Adjusted Males, thank you Sarah!) I encounter are either... already taken... or they’re single and I get my hopes up thinking maybe, just maybe... they’ll fall for me. But of course, they don’t. The guy instead asks out a beautiful but really shallow girl, a non-Christian who rejects them because they’re too conservative, or a flat-out skank.
There’s no way I can really be objective about this... but I’m a genuinely cool girl and pretty much - a great catch! Yet I’m here on a Friday night writing this post at 10:20 p.m. What’s wrong with this picture? My other option was to meet up with coworkers for Cinco de Mayo, but I’m just not feeling it tonight. So when it comes to the guy thing... is it me or is it them? What are girls like us doing alone on the weekends while girls who live with their parents at age 30 and don't have a steady job are out dating?