Let me introduce myself...

Hi all...I just wanted to say thank you for inviting me to join this blog! I've read quite a few of articles, and I must admit that I'm very excited to join in such great intellectual conversation -- I just hope I can keep up :)

Sup? This too is not something I wrote - but it is something I've been meaning to post, for whatever value anyone might get out of it. The first part is from an unsigned note that I found a while back in one of my college days folders (random crap from college I kept around). I wish I knew who it was from so I could thank them for their truthfulness.

1. You can have a physical relationship with someone w/o actually "dating" that person.

2. You can have an emotional relationship with someone w/o actually "dating" that person.

3. You don't need to be "dating" someone to realize the potential for problems to develop if either person were to become interested in someone else.

Conclusion: A relationship is not defined the moment we place a label on that relationship. Rather, it is defined by our actions, thoughts, motives, and attitudes. God knows our hearts. He said, "If you love me, you will obey my commandments."

~

Truthfulness is one more invisible fiber that holds people together in humane community. When we cannot assume that people communicating with us are truthful, we cannot live with them in trust that they will respect our right to freedom to respond to reality. If we cannot trust each other to respect this basic right, we have lost our chance to be human together in God's manner. Therefore, when God sounds the trumpet for truthfulness, he summons us to live humanly; he provides a survival guideline for community. This makes his command an intrinsically reasonable one.... Generalized formulas for 'just' lies seldom work. In another time, perhaps, people could be more flexible and less stringent. In our age when deceit threatens every area of our society, the last word must be: Speak the truth, be the truth, for your truth sets others free. -- Lewis Smedes, Mere Morality

Question Answered

Well, fear not! The questions I've had about "joy" have really been answered for me. God is really amazing how He reveals things to us. This morning in Sunday school we were discussing the ways we grow spiritually: prayer, Bible, worship, fellowship, and witness. I can't believe how simple it all is, and it was right under my nose. Today while lying in bed attempting to take a nap, I prayed... a lot. Long story short, I'm going to be changing my life. In order to fully serve Christ and give Him glory, I really need to be strong in all five of those areas. I'm not. God indirectly is telling me that I'm weak in reading my Bible and knowing scripture, and the witnessing area. So it really isn't a difficult concept. If you're right with God and are growing spiritually, you will have that joy you've been searching for. Please keep me in your prayers as a work-in-progress, and that I can be kept accountable for my actions. Thanks all!

He's Just Not That Into You?

About a year ago, I decided to check out the "He’s Just Not That Into You" craze and pick up the pink book with the answering machine on the cover. (Yes, I’d also seen the Sex and the City episode) Everyone and their mother was buying the book, and I can't resist a good pop culture phenomenon. So I read... and I read. Like a cartoon, a lightbulb lit up above my head. Finally, I thought, "I GOT IT!" If a guy really is interested in a girl, it will be way obvious. If there are doubts or questions in my mind about him, he’s "just not that into me" and I should move my fantastic self onto something better. Up until a week ago, that had become a personal philosophy. You know, telling myself that I deserved a great guy who went to great lengths to be with me.
There’s one guy in particular, I used to dig pretty hard. We’re sort of friends, but I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t even treat me like a friend, let alone anything else. I made several attempts to get to know him better in a casual context. He’s a nice enough guy, but he really pales in comparison to my true male friends. If I called one of them up and asked them if they wanted to do something, they’d take me up on it. This other guy just gave the lamest excuses I’ve ever heard. I got it. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste any of my time on him. He’s not worth it.
Recently, I talked to FF’s own Adam on the phone for awhile. For the first time ever I asked him, point blank, if the "He’s Just Not That Into You" thing was for real - or really hokey. According to him, it’s not always the case. Adam cited an example of a girl he was crushing hard on, and how it took him months to work up the courage to call her. And I wondered, did Adam just not like her enough to do everything he could to reel her in?
So what I’m asking all of you is...
1) Do you buy the "He’s Just Not That Into You" argument?
2) If someone REALLY likes someone else, would they not risk losing a shot with them? And if the answer is no, then what are the limits they’re willing to go to?
3) Should you move on from someone you get mixed signals from?
4) If the object of our affection doesn’t like us (or seem to like us), when should we give up?

Title? We don't need no steenking titles.

Hi there. What's up? Good, good, thanks for asking. Me? I'm Margy's brother. Yeah I know, keeping one blog running is trouble enough for me. But I couldn't resist...especially after her DTR post. Suffice to say I did know what a DTR was when she asked.

Anyway that's not the point. I don't have time to write anything because I'm a very important person in very high demand which actually just means I want to get to bed early tonight. So here's something terribly applicable to my sister's post, that I did not write. But it fits.

Oh...and btw...thanks for the invite.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. . .

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. . .

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . ''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,''says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart... yes, down in my heart, yes... down in my heart (Sound familiar?)

For the past year or so, I’ve been grappling with the issue of what role joy is supposed to play in my life. Not only for me, but for all of you. I’m not like Susie-Crackhead. Sometimes I’m not happy-go-lucky. For the most part though, I feel blessed by what God’s given me. I can find something to smile/laugh about, and feel an inner happiness. The hope that comes from my relationship with Christ really does sustain.
With that in mind, I’m shocked at how many people I meet that just seem totally miserable. If they have that same hope and relationship, why are they lacking the joy part? Whether it’s the bitter girl who feels that life is unfair, or the dude at work that just never has anything positive to say.
Whenever my roommate and I would feel sorry for ourselves, we had a tradition. Calley would insist that she and I tick off a list of five positive things we’ve got going on. Surprisingly, it was quite an effective pick-me-up.
If Christians don’t feel and exhibit joy, it seems like a rather dismal living testament. Do you think it’s wrong not to seek out joy? Why do you think so many people just don’t have it? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any applicable scripture. Please feel free to share if you have a verse or two.

A Follow Up...

The demographic I'm mostly trying to reach in my last post include people who are in a relationship that they KNOW is not going anywhere. The couples that you see and think, "Why are they together?" (ie: she's cheating on him, constantly breaking up – then getting back together, they're different to the point of no return, and so on...) You all know the ones I’m talking about.
Trust me, I am all for going out on a limb and dating out of my comfort zone. I've gone out with a guy who took me to see Bowling for Columbine, a guy who worked for the Associated Press, and a few older guys. However, there are men that I've gotten to know in other ways - by going to school together, forming a friendship, being involved in Bible studies. As for the church guy, I'm just not into him... at all. (and believe me, I've tried) Back in college, a friend of mine told me he was interested in dating me. Although I valued his friendship, certain aspects of his personality were incompatible with my own. If I hadn't known this, sure, I would have dated him. But I did. In fact, I’ve had deeper discussions with the guy than with my ex-boyfriend. So in that particular case, I knew that getting involved would not have the desired outcome. Since then, he's gotten married. Dating him knowing what I did about us at that point, would have been cruel to him. And I am very happy to know that he’s gone on to find the real woman of his dreams.
Ladies, I would like to encourage you all to give nice guys a chance. They really are the undiscovered gems of the dating world. But we do need to take caution not to lead them on. If you’ve been an item for a year, and feel repulsed by holding his hand – perhaps that’s a sign. When you’ve got a boyfriend, but daydream about the cute guy you see at work, that’s a symptom of a much larger problem. Too many people seem to be in dead end relationships with no light at the end of a tunnel. Why is that?
Ideally, I’d like to get to know a guy as a friend before coming to the crossroad of a dating relationship. You get to see what they’re like around other guys, and how they treat women they’re not trying to impress. Generally, I have pretty decent “guy-dar” and can usually pick out bad apples from the good ones. Most of the young men I’ve been interested in have really grown on me over time. Definitely wasn’t love at first sight, or even attraction at first sight. I’m not too big on looks, but I’m human, and believe that God does want us to have that “spark” in a relationship. No, not the “he’s hot” rush we get from meeting a guy. More like a slow burning flame that multiplies as we realize how wonderful someone is. But I do want Him in control of my love life. If I’m supposed to be with someone, I know that He’ll put a spark where it’s supposed to be.
Personally, I like getting to know guys as friends without dating them. More than half of my good friends are of the opposite sex. They have a lot to offer. Chances are very slim I’d still have the kind of relationships with them that I do now, if I’d previously dated them.
Is this the best way to conduct myself socially? I’m not sure. Some days I do wish I had more life experience in that area, more of a romantic history. But I can tell you this. I don’t carry around the emotional baggage left behind in a relationship aftermath, that many of my counterparts do. Men like and respect the fact that I haven’t dated all of their friends. Women like and respect me because I haven’t dated their boyfriends and we don’t share any former flames.
A few weeks ago while watching The View (shudder all you want), Dr. Phil was touting his new book “Love Smart.” His basic message to women? That most of us tend to bend over backwards trying to fit into a man’s world. If he likes fishing, we go out and buy a reel, rod, and tackle box. If his dream includes going to Scotland, we book two tickets for our next vacation. Really, that’s about as pathetic as taking an Auto Repair class to meet guys or taking a hot cousin to your prom. Although I’m no Dr. Phil fan, the quack actually did have a point there. He went on to say that research shows that men dislike that. They like women who live their own lives, have separate interests, and can live independently. Opera’s favorite groupie suggested that women see their lives as a movie. We are the star, and have to decide what the storyline is for our movie as well as what the main character is like. Who are we? Who are our friends? What is our love life like? Those are all things we have some control over.
While at times I do agonize over the lack of a dating rap sheet, I’ve come to a few realizations. I know myself and my needs and desires well. And you know what? I honestly don’t think I would be as in touch with myself, if I hadn’t had the solo time I’ve been “blessed” with. And as Dr. Phil said, it’s important that I know my storyline before someone else comes into the picture.
In my case, I try my best to hand the drivers wheel over to God. If He wants me to date a guy I was not particularly interested in before, it’s up to Him to change my heart. Just as we are called to be passionate Christians, we should be passionate in everything we do. I really dislike seeing people who are totally lukewarm about their faith. The ones who go out for a night of debauchery on Saturday, then go to church on Sunday to “be seen.” It’s one thing to keep it real, but another to be a hypocrite. If I do enter into the institution of marriage, I’d like to think that the Lord would bless me with a special and loving husband. A guy that really “gets” me, and truly is my better half. After all, I owe God at least that much credit. While I don’t necessarily believe in finding “the one,” I am an advocate of finding someone that brings out my best attributes.
There is a current epidemic of people in lukewarm relationships. Call me picky, but I don’t understand why anyone would want to be half of a so-so couple. There’s a Saturday Night Live sketch I enjoy about a fictional husband in wife titled, “The Couple That Should Be Divorced.” It’s an obviously dysfunctional pair who are constantly making others feel uncomfortable with knock-down drag out fights. Of course, then they find an inconvenient spot to have make-up sex. Not every situation is as cut and dry as the SNL couple, but I don’t think the idea is far from the truth.
I’m not telling you to stop going out on dates with guys you’re not “into”! I am telling you not to get into a serious relationship with someone you’re not into. By doing this, you’re contributing to the lukewarm coupledom that’s plaguing our society. Do you really want to be bathwater, rather than fire? Don’t be overly picky when it comes to who you spend your time with, but you should definitely have standards. You deserve them. There should be a few items on your “must have” list that you won’t compromise on.
You may wonder whether a “serial single” like me is qualified to talk about relationships. (I’ve definitely got the upper hand on Dr. Phil) I can say this… I’ve seen firsthand what healthy, strong romantic unions look like. I’ve also seen both the awful and the so-so. Little girls don’t dream of having bad or “okay” romance when they grow up – they want the magic. While that’s a bit optimistic, perhaps we had the right idea at age 5. No, I’m not in a relationship and haven’t been attached for some time. But at least I’ll be ready and emotionally available for a great one. That’s far better than settling for just “okay right now.”

You're Just Not That Into Him? Then Be Honest!

Taking some time out now to discuss something that's been weighing on my conscience lately. If you're on this blog, chances are good that you've read "He's Just Not That Into You" – the book that's launched a million gender/dating conversations. Basically, it tells women that "we're worth it" and that we shouldn't make up excuses for men. If he doesn't call us, ask us out, kiss us, marry us, then he isn't crazy about us. Therefore, we should forget about those guys and find ones that realize how wonderful we are. Since reading the book, I've realized just how right Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are.
But there's a lot more to it than that... I'm noticing that there are so many women dating men that they're just not that into. Have we gotten to the point where we're so desperate for relationships that we know aren't the real thing? I've done it myself. Been there. Wanting to be with someone who I knew wasn't good enough. It's just surprising that so many women of all ages have told me that they don't or can't intend to be serious about their boyfriend. The most common symptoms of this? Dating a man they're not really attracted to. Or dating a man they know they can't marry, but lie to themselves that maybe they could. Or dating a man, but interested in someone else. If this describes you, I have a simple question. WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM? Yes, I know he's a sweet guy. The nicest guy you've ever met. He pays for dinner. You think he's going to propose. That's all fine and dandy, but will you really pledge your love to someone you just think is "nice"?
When speaking to several friends in this type of scenario, they've got all the excuses and justifications nailed down. The guy knows they're not that serious and he's okay with it. She sees the relationship as mutually harmless. She doesn't have a reason to break up with him. They're best friends. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go out on dates with a guy you're unsure of. That's what dating is for. But if you know that the guy isn't for you, don't continue on as his girlfriend. After it's been a few months, and you're not feeling a spark... that's a big red flag.
Here are my reasons for this school of thought. First of all, let me preface this by saying that I have a lot of friends - both male and female. I tend to be the girl people randomly open up to. Not sure why that is, but I love it. I've always loved people, and talking to people, and trying to help people. The Myers-Briggs test even told me that I'm people-oriented instead of task-oriented. Over the years, I've had quite a bit of insight into how people tick.
Ladies, I can tell you this. For the same reason you will date a guy who's not that into you, a guy will date you even if you're not madly in love with him. Why? Hoping you'll change. Men also have the same hope women have. One day she'll wake up and realize just how important he is, that he is "the one," that she truly loves him. The guys I've known, they want a woman to be honest with them. They don't want a girl to lead them off a cliff. Being honest with him about how you feel, enables them to move on. Don't you want that for him? To be able to find a woman who loves him the same way? That's what I thought. By dating people fleetingly, we are doing men - and other women, a disservice. Men, by tacking on excess baggage to their relationship rap sheet. Women, because they may want to date that guy you just hurt.
Another point I'd like to make is that relationships, even good ones, leave both parties with baggage. Back in high school, I attended a Christian conference in Niagara Falls. One of the workshops was on sexual purity. To demonstrate the emotional effects of sex, the leader had us use a section of masking tape. We went around the room and stuck it to everyone else's shirts. Each time we did this, little fibers from each person's shirt would stick to our tape. That's what having different sexual partners is like. We "lose" a part of ourselves to the other person whether we know it or not. It's also what having a relationship is like. Inevitably, we begin to carry more and more baggage from past relationships with us. At first it seems like a light load. High school sweetheart, college beau... but as time goes on, the load gets unnoticeably heavier. And it will catch up to us. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but when we're engaged or married. If I do get married someday, I want to have a pure body and a pure heart to go with it.
My guy friends, when they like a girl, they really like her. Even if she treats them badly, they're so blinded by their feelings they can't see that. It makes me so angry when I see a woman taking advantage of a man in that situation. We're always complaining that there aren't enough single men. Did you ever stop to think about one of the reasons for our plought? If all these mismatched and dysfunctional relationships would dissolve, those parties would be free to search for the real loves of their lives. There are too many relationships consisting of either a really nice girl and a player, or a great guy and a maneater. It's sad. That's an extreme case, but along with the dysfunctional couples are the so-so couples. They stay together but don't really know why.
There's a really great guy here in El Paso that I've gotten to know through church. He's a few years older, funny, very intelligent, and has a successful career. A wonderful catch. Awhile ago, he asked me out to dinner. The thing is, I feel no chemistry with him. Thinking perhaps I was nuts, I decided to get to know him better at social gatherings and such. To this day, I just like him as a friend. It's been four years since I was in a relationship. Two years ago, I would have jumped to go out with him even if I wasn't particularly interested. But dating him would be wrong. He really is a terrific man, and deserves a "fabulous female" - one who is just as crazy about him as he is about her. That woman, sadly, is not me. What if he missed his chance at meeting her because he was dating me? Consider that for thought, ladies.
You've probably met a few guys that would make wonderful companions, if not for their girlfriends. Wouldn't you be disappointed/frustrated to find out his girlfriend had no intention of getting serious? Great Guy X gave up a possibility of YOU, for someone who doesn't even care about him! Do you really want to be that girl?
Now, I'm not telling you to break up with him. I am suggesting that you evaluate your own motives for being in a relationship. I'm also not telling you to be super picky, but to figure out who you are and what your needs are. The best way to avoid marrying "the wrong guy" is to not date guys you know aren't right for you. I've been there... dated the wrong guys. And you know what? It sucks. Like trying to fill your craving for chocolate with pork rinds. It just doesn't work. Getting involved only with men you see a future with is a mature, wise trait. It shows respect to men by taking them seriously and not tearing them down emotionally, and to other women by doing your part to respect guys that just could be - their future husbands.