Emotions

It's difficult to judge whether or not I'm an emotional person. People who know me through my art assume that I am. Most artists are, and the art itself is rather emotional, personal. Friends who know me well will tell another story. I'm incredibly open up to a point. Whatever I decide is too personal I just won't share, even if I want to. I can count on one hand the number of people who have seen me cry (people who are outside of my immediate family). My first boyfriend used to spend literally hours trying to get me to open up about things that were bothering me, how I felt, etc. And I will be eternally grateful for that, because I always wanted to tell him but felt like I couldn't. Though him I've gotten better about opening up in those situations, but I'm still bad at it. I'm ruled by my head, not my heart, though sometimes the heart wins (in which case I always end up doing something that is foolish).

But for 2-3 months, I've been much more emotional than usual. I saw a play tonight and I cried. And struggled to keep back the tears. But I made sure that no one would notice (I was dry-eyed and smiling by the time the curtain call came). Last night I went to a dance concert and was in exactly the same situation. My tears aren't caused by nothing. Usually they come about because I'm thinking about grace and realizing how badly I'm in need of it, how badly I need God. Or they come about because I see/read about joyful, requited love and wish I had it, or a relationship that is broken in some way. I feel raw.

I'm scared that I'll never find someone who loves me, someone who loves me and is right for me. I'm scared of being alone. I'm past the average marriage age, and it seems like every interesting Christian is taken. Heck, a lot of my friends (both Christian and not) are in the stage of popping out children. And the one man I'm interested in doesn't love me. I don't think he can. It hurts, though I don't know if I've really admitted that to anyone. I've talked to him four times in the last three months, and three of those encounters were accidental (we still run in the same social circles). A couple of days ago was the first time we've talked alone in ages, and we didn't talk about us. I have mixed feelings. I waver between wanting desperately to talk to him because he knows me better than anyone else in the state and wanting to stay away from him because I don't know that seeing him even in a "normal," platonic context is helpful. It doesn't make me want him more or less, but when things get difficult my first instinct is to run, and avoiding him is a form of running. I get a little irrationally angry about this whole situation sometimes. I miss my friend. I miss having someone to rely on, to talk to about silly things no one else would understand. I miss being held. I miss being around someone that really was a partner in a lot of ways. And can I be honest? I also miss the sex. I wouldn't do it again outside of marriage, especially not with anyone else, but I still miss it. Now that my sexuality has been awakened in a real way, it's hard not to want it even though it was never a struggle before.

I'm just as messed up inside as I was three months ago. It hasn't gotten any better. But experience tells me that time allows these things to fade and I just have to wait. The couple of people in the city I might be able to really talk to are too busy to hang out and probably too new anyway. I'm too used to bottling these things up to be melodramatic enough to say that talking would be important. The older friends I would talk to aren't physically here. And while they're great, it's back to that internalizing again. To pretending that everything is fine. Sometimes they draw me out, which I appreciate. Sometimes they miss it too.

In keeping with business as usual, no one knows the state I'm in. And the sad part is I don't really want to break down these walls. I hate being emotional.

does e-harmony work?

Since y'all were kind enough to let me share my experiences on this blog a while ago, I thought you deserved an update. You may recall that I felt awkward and frustrated by my persistent singleness, especially because it seemed that women were the ones who typically had that problem (or at least were more vocal about it).

I do believe strongly that Christian men should be proactive in seeking relationships, and I identify with the numerous men on Boundless who say they have tried—many times—and been rejected. My tendency is not to be too passive; rather, it is to be so assertive that I come off as abrasive and rude.

I decided a few months ago on a three-tiered strategy. First, I would attend my urban church's partner church, which is a megachurch on the north side of Indianapolis, in hopes of meeting someone. Then I would join their singles group. If that didn't work, I'd join the vast hordes of desperate singles on e-harmony (that was supposed to be funny—don't get offended!). Unfortunately, the megachurch empties 5 minutes after the service ends, and the young couple who was supposed to introduce me to people had financial problems and couldn't go out after church, as they'd proposed. They suggested that I not join the singles group; "it's a divorced middle-aged singles group," they said. So I joined e-harmony.

E-harmony has an extensive personality test, and I tried my best to be honest. The results concluded, accurately, that I care about other people, but that I don't feel sympathy for folks who aren't making an attempt to solve their own problems. But then it said that I was a rather emotional person, and that I could be described as "too sensitive." That's so inaccurate that it's absurd, even funny! What's not funny is that e-harmony used its incorrect personality profile to match me with women—specifically sensitive women.

Sure enough, one of the first matches described herself as being "much more sensitive than I appear," although she also said that she valued honesty (the one trait I most definitely have!). I stated clearly on my profile that I wasn't a sensitive guy. We started communicating, and one of the questions she asked me in the "guided communication" process was how I acted when I was angry. I took the opportunity to explain my abrasive tendencies: "I've been described as 'abrasive' and 'insensitive,'" I said, "and there is some truth to those statements." I wanted her to be clearly warned, since the last thing I wanted to do was hurt a(nother) woman by making insensitive comments to her. After making that statement, I gave her time to close the match and run far, far away, but she never did. Eventually, we got together (she lives 20 minutes away).

It was apparent after about two dates that she liked me, which I must say was a positively refreshing change! "I can see why people think you're abrasive," she said—but she told me she liked my honesty anyway. (She also likes my Southern accent, which sounds like Forrest Gump on speed.) I tried to be intentional about the friendship by spending as much time with her as my busy schedule would afford, but the relationship soon became rather awkward. I knew she wanted to date, but I thought it was wrong to date without fairly serious commitment (source: my courtship-obsessed upbringing). After discussing the matter, we realized we both were comfortable with dating with the explicit goal of getting to know each other, with no commitment beyond that. To make a long story short, I now have a girlfriend, a mere month after meeting her for the first time! And we're not doing it Josh Harris-style!

She and I do share a lot in common, since both of us are committed Christians, both are youth leaders at our churches, and both enjoy having middle-schoolers over to our respective homes. She doesn't have much background in urban outreach, although she seems very open to it and has been to my church and met "my" kids. She's also very casual and honest and real, and I deeply appreciate those qualities. She's unpretentious and says she's always wanted a financially modest lifestyle. Although she comes from a very conservative background similar to mine, I wouldn't describe her as the "ideal Christian girl," since she has (tasteful) tattoos, rides motorcycles, and listens to hard rock music. Hey, I'm loving it!

This is far from one of those e-harmony success stories you see on TV, since we are not thinking about anything serious at this point. I don't do the love-at-first-sight thing, and it will be months before we know if this is going anywhere beyond casual dating. I am so thrilled that she is my girlfriend, though, and I believe that God has worked in this situation (despite the detractors, who claimed that I wasn't trusting God to "bring your wife to you"). Now I'm just trying my best to treat her like a lady and seek God's best for both of us.

Statistics

I came across all of the material below while searching for stats on the average age of first marriage for Christians. Alas, after two hours it was not to be found. Anecdotally, I'd put the number around 22/23, right around college graduation--I'm convinced that Christians here must be younger than the population at large (27 for men and 25-26 for women, depending on the source).

On Christians and divorce, from George Barna (2004):

Among married born again Christians, 35% have experienced a divorce. That figure is identical to the outcome among married adults who are not born again: 35%.

George Barna noted that one reason why the divorce statistic among non-Born again adults is not higher is that a larger proportion of that group cohabits, effectively side-stepping marriage - and divorce - altogether. "Among born again adults, 80% have been married, compared to just 69% among the non-born again segment. If the non-born again population were to marry at the same rate as the born again group, it is likely that their divorce statistic would be roughly 38% - marginally higher than that among the born again group, but still surprisingly similar in magnitude."

Barna also noted that he analyzed the data according to the ages at which survey respondents were divorced and the age at which those who were Christian accepted Jesus Christ as their savior. "The data suggest that relatively few divorced Christians experienced their divorce before accepting Christ as their savior," he explained. "If we eliminate those who became Christians after their divorce, the divorce figure among born again adults drops to 34% - statistically identical to the figure among non-Christians." The researcher also indicated that a surprising number of Christians experienced divorces both before and after their conversion.
Multiple divorces are also unexpectedly common among born again Christians. Barna’s figures show that nearly one-quarter of the married born agains (23%) get divorced two or more times.

The survey showed that divorce varied somewhat by a person’s denominational affiliation. Catholics were substantially less likely than Protestants to get divorced (25% versus 39%, respectively). Among the largest Protestant groups, those most likely to get divorced were Pentecostals (44%) while Presbyterians had the fewest divorces (28%).

On the UK:

More and more couples are choosing to cohabit and in June 1999 the Guardian reported that more than 70% of couples in their first serious relationship choose to live together.

... The average age for first marriages in England and Wales in 2003 was 31 for men and 29 for women. This compares with 26 and 23 for men and women respectively 40 years earlier.

On weddings, from Forbes:

The average wedding in the U.S. today costs over $23,000 and includes an average of168 guests, 100 of whom actually give wedding gifts that average $85 each. But the costs of attending a wedding are not limited to the gift—amazingly the typical guest spends on average $500 to attend the event when new attire, travel, gas, parking and hairstyling are factored in.

And because all of this isn't exactly encouraging:

... The wedding of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas cost between $1.5 and $2 million dollars but was offset by the sale of exclusive photos to a British magazine for $1.6 million and a $24,000 settlement again another British magazine for publishing unauthorized photos. With all that dough on the table, you may wonder if a pre-nuptial agreement was part of the deal? You bet. With Hollywood marriages
breaking up faster than you can say “Brad and Jen”, pre-nups are almost as common as marriage vows. In Zeta-Jones case, if the marriage breaks up, she gets $2.8 million for each year that the marriage lasts.

What Are the "Rules"?

I'm fascinated with the dynamics between guys and girls in general, but in particular, the romantic dynamics between Christian men and women. I, like most of the contributors I assume, thought when growing up that I would meet someone in college and be married by age 22. Alas, I am 26 now and still single. I've dated around, even dated a girl for six months about 9 months ago, but I haven't had a "girlfriend" since I was 20. I'm not sure how we got here, with so many great Christian men and women still single, but I think it has to do with a confluence of many factors.

Sam's Perfect Storm of Factors Impeding Marriage (in no particular order)
1. Sexual Revolution - no reason to get married (guys especially) if you're getting all your sexual needs met

2. High Divorce Rate / Children of Divorce - our generation is skittish with making a marital commitment when they've seen their parents and others get divorced so frequently.

3. Increasingly Knowledge-Based Society - back 30-40 years ago, a man could graduate from high school, get a factory job, and support his family. Now, a bachelor's degree is a minimum requirement for a decent job, if not graduate degrees.

4. American Society's Fear of Growing Older and Facing Responsibility - also known as "Peter Pan Syndrome" (at least for males); see also the popularity of such movies as Old School and Wedding Crashers

5. Joshua Harris / Fear of Being Hurt in Relationships - Did I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" as a teen? Yes. Did I buy into this garbage for awhile? Yes (probably for too long). For those of you who haven't read it, the title says it all. The basic premise is that everyone should group date for awhile and then eventually pick someone out of your group to start a courtship with. It's something that sounds great in theory (kind of like communism), something in which relationships could move from group date to marriage seemlessly with no risk of anyone getting hurt. Which leads me to my current girl situation:

So I'm interested in the roommate of my friend's girlfriend. I met her a couple of months ago at a Super Bowl party but was discouraged by my friend and his gf to call her. They advised me to wait and get to know her better in a group setting so she'll feel more comfortable around you. I follow their advice and wait for about a month or so, which in the mean time, I've hung out with her in groups another 3-4 times, going out to lunch with her in groups a couple of times after church. (Please note: I didn't ask my friend and his gf if it was too soon to initiate contact. Maybe I should have in hindsight, but I was tired of feeling like I was back in 7th grade, asking a girl's friend if she likes me). So last Sunday, I shoot her an email asking for her number, saying I'd like to give her a call sometime. Still haven't heard anything back yet.

I certainly don't think I have an overinflated view of myself, as Boundless might hypothesize (see "Brother, You're Like a Six" article). I think I'm about an 8, to be honest, and I have pics to prove it!! :) That being said, I don't go after girls "out of my league" and think she was in my range. My question for the ladies is:

What are the rules in dating in general for Christian women? I completely disagree with the Boundless article "Where's the Motivation, Guys?", as I am one of the guys that doesn't mind calling a girl and risking rejection. I think a big problem in the Christian dating scene is that there is no standard set of rules to follow. For one girl (my current interest apparently), you need to have known her since kindergarten and be best friends before you can dare to ask her out or else you're a creep and a pervert. Then you have other girls who are wondering why Christian guys are such wusses and are afraid of women and physical contact with them (see: "Where's the Motivation, Guys?" article). Just from my perspective, the reason guys don't have motivation is because guys that do (like me) don't have much success unless you put in time to be "group hangout" friends. Maybe it's just living in the South (Dallas). Is it different other places? I lived in Chicago for a couple of years, and it seemed like the Christian women there were more open to dating to get to know one another. They didn't feel like they had to decide if they wanted to marry the guy before going to dinner with them. Please advise, oh wise fab females. I'm going to go fill out my eHarmony personality test now...

More Boundless...

In the vein of "you need to know where you came from to know where you're going..." I thought this merited its own call-out:

A Brief History of Courtship and Dating in America: Part 1 and Part 2.

I thought they were good reads and I'm interested in checking out the related Mars Hill Audio he sites.

A Craigslist Adventure

Partly inspired by our fellow poster UrgentSound I posted a Craigslist ad today. (did you ever meet up with any of your responders by the way?) I've posted once or twice over the last 4 years, and nothing has ever come of it. A few emails, a cup of coffee once, but that's it. Single Christian women don't make up a large percentage of people browsing CL :)

I went a little nuts on the format this time...tried to stay away from laundry lists and cliche. Who knows - maybe I'll meet an interesting person.

The Post

We're Far From Alone

Hey All!
The other day, Marianne sent me a link to a boundless blog, and I read this very interesting and reaffirming blog, and the more then 75 comments!!! made by other frustrated single Christians. It made me realize how many of us there really are. That's incredibly depressing.

http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/03/wheres_the_moti.html

You may notice my comment as "J" discussing my latest oddball situation at church. One other thing I observed was how many people are longing for a forum like this one. I posted the link to Fab Females as a comment, hopefully it will be successfully moderated. Hopefully some other folks like us will find their way over here. If you are a first-timer on this forum, enjoy and can relate to the posts, and would like to join... email me at j.l.steffen@gmail.com and I'll be happy to add you as a member.

The JesusBlock

I was talking to a female Christian friend recently, and the subject of dating/relationships came up. She mentioned that she had been JesusBlocked recently. On seeing my blank stare she explained:

Apparently a JesusBlock is when He ends something prematurely that would not be good or healthy for you. In her case, it was a very nice first date. He called her two days later and said "I don't see this going beyond friendship." JesusBlocked!

Am I the only one that has never heard this before?

in praise of amigas

Not to break from the last entry, but can I just say,

OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO HARVARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[insert high-pitched, girlish scream here]

Okay, breathe, la persona, breathe. The point is not the place; for many people, admission to H.U. is no big deal, and for far too many, it’s too big of a deal. For me, however, it’s not so much about the school as it is about the impossible. My whole life I wanted to go to Harvard, but who am I kidding? I always knew I’d never get there. College alone was really rough for me. Believe it or not, I actually flunked the mandatory freshman PE class, and at one point, dropped out altogether. By the time I finally graduated, I was all but burned out. Not only was I not going to Harvard, I would not be going to graduate school. Well, I should say, if it were not for a little help from my friends.

“You need to go to graduate school!” my roommate urged me. “God gave you a gift, and you need to use it.” But I just shrugged her and the others off.

After two years of this, however, I finally conceded. I would apply to Big State University, the one that may not have had the greatest rankings but where almost everyone in my hometown ended up going. So there.

Then I received a call from my good friend, M.H., whom some of you may known.

“You need to go to graduate school,” she said. It was not a question.

“Okay, okay,” I conceded and divulged my plan to try my luck at BSU, which to me was already a bit of a long shot.

“No,” she insisted, “You need to go to Harvard. You’re talented and fabulous and I won’t let you sell yourself short. You’re too good to settle for less than the best, and I’m not letting you get off the phone until you say you’ll at least consider it.”

She’s crazy, I thought. But my cell minutes were running short and I needed to go, so I reluctantly gave her my word.

Forced by conscience to make good on my promise, I arranged and interview with the admissions office – and promptly fell in love with the place. It didn’t take long before all of the other obstacles that stood between me and my childhood dream fell into place: GRE scores, recommendation letters, transcripts, personal statements.

By August – a full 4 months before the deadline – everything was set to go. Meanwhile, I entertained my second “major” relationship, sold or gave away most of my belongings, and moved to another country. I didn’t think much of the process because I was too busy with other things, and besides, I had spent too much of my life worrying away what few chances I had.

Well, come this evening (and my hands are still shaking from shock as I type this), and I´m in! Who would have thunk? I am so amazed and blessed.

Really, then, this post is not so much about Harvard than it is about those special people in your life – the kindred spirits, if you will – who will not let you forget who special you are – no matter how ill-founded or ludicrous their faith may be. This post is a tribute to them to – girlfriends. amigas. The ones who stood by you and were there to remind you that you didn’t need a man to follow your dreams. Friends like my roommate, who, when I bombed the GRE math section on my first try, and I didn’t plan to retake it due to financial pressures, offered – no, insisted – to pay the full $130 fee. We finally worked out an arrangement that she would give me $10 for ever 10 points I improved my score. Later she made arrangements for which she jokingly referred to as the “PHTSS” – The Post Harvard Traumatic Stress Syndrome, for those souls who have staked their life meaning on admission to this fine institution, only to find out that once they graduate that it doesn’t mean so much.

And so, really it doesn’t. These friends of mine mean so much more to me than any gilded degree.

I only hope that I can be that kind of friend for someone else too someday. So let´s here it for the amigas in our lives that gave us that inimitable sense of adventure even when the guys were in short supply.

P.S. In keeping with the last entry, above is a beloved screenshot from Gilmore Girls, when Rory and Loralei visit Harvard and I believe both were between men (and certainly pre-Logan). Who says you always need a man to have a little fun? :-) Oh my God, I´m going to Harvard!!........

Open For Interpretation

Every once in awhile, I catch an episode of the Gilmore Girls on ABC family. This is a clip from my favorite episode of the series titled 'You Jump, I Jump Jack.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw_5qm3gplQ

It's interesting that Rory starts off having a strictly practical view of Logan, until she discovers that his mystery and adventure.

"People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me -- it's one less minute you haven't lived." (This is what Logan says to Rory that entices her into a dangerous Mary Poppin-esque stunt)

It's taken me a few seasons to see why Rory fell for Logan. As I read in the book Captivating by Jon and Stasi Eldridge, women seek out this: unveiling beauty, having an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and being romanced.

What is it about certain people that inevitably attracts us to them? We might not like them, in fact, we may despise them. But there's just something about this person that we can't get out of our mind. It drives us crazy, too.

Take for instance, Logan. His character is a wealthy, upper crust playboy. On paper, he doesn't seem to have depth and I'd seen episodes after You Jump, I Jump Jack and wondered to myself "What is she doing with him?" I didn't understand. After all, she'd passed up her first love Dean and sensitive thinker Marty for this blond Richie Rich. It wasn't until I saw that scene, that I got it. Logan brought Rory to life, made her truly feel alive and exhilerated her spirit.

Have you all met anyone who had that effect on you? Whether it be a stranger you met on an airplane, or your childhood best friend? An unforgettable soul... Whether you were warmly in love, had an instant spark, or struck up a platonic cameraderie... Someone who made you feel like you now knew the answers in life, and had a purpose for waking up in the morning.

For me, the closest I've come to that person is M. We first became friends toward the end of our freshman year of college. I remember our first real conversation. With our bags full of books and heavy coats on, we stood in the Gee at GCC and he pointed out a girl he had a crush on. Soon after, I began dating a friend of his. The first time I met my boyfriend-at-the-time's parents, M was there. My boyfriend's mother had told him that she thought M. and I got along better than he did with me. It was true.

We became better friends sophomore year, and I broke up with the boyfriend right after Christmas break. M. was really a great friend to me in the ugly aftermath. He and I would watch Who's The Boss in Ketler at midnight. We both attended a political conference and hung out, even going so far as taking goofy pictures of each other doing some very strange things. We got addicted to The Sims. After Valentine's Day, we went to Rite-Aid and loaded up on 75% off candy. How great is that? I recall countless random, crazy escapades. Some are too embarassing to tell. Of course, I fell for him. Who wouldn't? No, we never dated. He just didn't have feelings for me. And honestly, the fact that he didn't give me a chance made me realize that I want someone who's a risk taker.

So let's hear some stories...

what can a girl do?

So, this is what happened this afternoon:

I walk into Wal-Mart (please, nobody shoot me) unshowered, unmakeupped, bloated, breaking out, dressed in old jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers, with my unwashed, unbrushed hair pulled carelessly back into a half-done ponytail -- the American woman's equivalent of a burlap sack. Not only modest, but sloppy and downright unfeminine.

Some creepy guy ogles me, and when I notice, says, as if compelled, "Sweet ass," and "You're kind of sexy."

I was coldly polite and strode away in as much of an opposite direction as possible.

The only thing more I could have done was wear a ski mask. But maybe that wouldn't have helped either.

I give up, folks! I give up.

The condensed (but still long) version of a much longer story.

I don't even know where to start. This will probably take a few posts to get out in any real way, but the short story is this: I'm a Christian. I believe in commitment and sex only in marriage. But in the last year and half, I had sex, fell in love, and had an abortion. In that order, and all involving the same man. It's pretty damning when you put it all into one sentence. But in the moment, even now, it never seemed quite so terrible.

He's not a Christian. Rather, he's a good friend that I've known for years and one of the most giving will-go-out-of-his-way-for-you people I know. From the beginning we took our relationship seriously, and it didn't take us long to decide that things wouldn't work and so we tried to stay away from each other. But in spite of our resolutions, it never worked.

We get along incredibly well and the day to day has always been really good, so on a practical level it overcame rationality. And we're both more driven intellectually than emotionally, which is what made this surprising. All of our friends, people who know us well, think we're a great couple and can't understand why we've had such reservations about being together and are always trying to not be dating. The person with the dealbreaker reservations has shifted throughout our relationship. Sometimes I didn't want to commit. Sometimes he didn't. Initially it was because he wanted kids and I didn't. Don't. And he's not a Christian, even though we often have interesting discussions on spiritual topics.

After half a year we ended up having sex. It wasn't intentional on either side. It's strange that somehow the line got so blurry, blurry enough that the day he thought we crossed the line is different than the day I thought we did. There's about a month's difference in our estimations. I agonized over that for a while, but it's hard to stay away from something when you've already gone there (though I wouldn't repeat this situation with another man. Honestly, there's a part of me that kind of wonders if Christians hold sex to too high of a standard. But that's another set of musings for another day).

Long story short, in spite of our best intentions we've had a hard time staying away from each other, even when we realized that we should because this couldn't go anywhere. It's partially physical, partially emotional, partially just because we get along as friends so well. We weren't very careful about birth control, and in August I realized I was pregnant. At that point we discussed all sorts of options and decided to get an abortion (I was only at six weeks gestation, if I'd done it any later I wouldn't have been able to rationalize the choice). It sounds almost glib as I write it, but neither of us could really eat or sleep for a week and I was terrified. So was he.

Oddly enough, that situation brought us closer in a lot of ways, though I think it revealed a heartless side of my personality. I've always been pro-life (what good Christian isn't) but there I was, making a choice because not only was the timing terrible, but I don't want kids. Ever. And the biggest problem: I couldn't admit to the world around me that I was sleeping with someone I wasn't married to. But I feel a little heartless because in spite of everything I don't regret doing it. I do feel like a hypocrite though, because none of my friends, even my roommates (and there are three of them), realize that I'm not a virgin anymore. Much less the rest.

You'd think that after that whole situation, faced with the reality that push come to shove we couldn't just get married on the spot even though we really care about each other, we'd be able to break up for real. But again it didn't work. I love him, and I realized that a few months before the whole pregnancy situation. Even now I'd marry him if he truly wanted to do it. In the end what changed appreciably was that we became really careful about birth control anytime we ended up having sex (which again, wasn't usually entirely intentional).

But here's the thing: he doesn't love me. The abortion made him realize that even though he's been saying for his entire life that he wants a family and kids, when he had a chance for all of that at once he freaked out instead. Maybe he doesn't want that after all. Maybe it was just the situation at hand. Which leaves him not knowing what he wants. The end of that is that as far as I can tell, whatever he wants it isn't me.

It's confusing though. He does things like bring me soup when I'm sick, unexpectedly give me money for my car insurance when I was stressing about not having enough money to pay the bill. He takes care of me, and it's only one of the many reasons that he is a great guy. (To be frank: one of my friends, not knowing even the entire story, said that he's "simultaneously a great guy and an ass"). In essence, his actions tell me that he loves me with the (significant) exception of the whole thing in August. But he doesn't think he does. And if he's confused on the point, he must not.

It's taken too long to get to this point, but right now we're not talking to each other so he has space to figure himself out on this and other issues. We're not dating. I'm not holding my breath. I want to say that we've finally broken up for real. In fact, ideally someone else would come along and sweep me off my feet so it'd be easier to move on. But even though this time apart is a good thing, he needs to do this and I know I can't have him anyway so I should really be consciously trying to move on (which I am, but it's not working very well), we haven't talked for two months and I miss him.

Even when one of us was out of town for weeks at a time or we'd tried to break up we still talked every couple of days and saw each other when we could. When we're both in town, we'd usually hang out every couple days even if it was just as friends and/or with other people. Right now in two months between the two of us we've sent four emails.

It hurts. I don't cry much, but I've been crying most nights for the last two months. It's not even the crying that's so horrible, but it's a physical pain that starts somewhere in my chest and travels out to my fingers. I see things that only he would find either interesting or amusing and have no one to share them with.

I know it will pass. I once faced the end of a relationship that nearly destroyed me, we'd invested so much into it. This at least we always said could never last. But right now I'm grieving for the loss of something that in many ways has been wonderful, if simultaneously unhealthy sometimes and frustrating other times.

This thing between us has gone on for almost two years, and its ending feels real this time (though when didn't it feel real). But we haven't spent this much time apart or not communicating since we started. I can't help wanting him, even though I try not to.

Dating and Power

I haven't read the book myself, but I came across this quote on a friend's blog. Vincent spent 18 months disguised as a man: she dated women (she's a lesbian), worked a high-pressure sales job, went on a men's retreat, and joined an all-male bowling league.

Dating women as a man was a lesson in female power... I saw my own sex from the other side, and I disliked women irrationally for a while because of it. I disliked their superiority, their accusatory smiles, their entitlement to choose or dash me with a fingertip, an execution so lazy, so effortless, it made the defeats and the successes unbearably humiliating. Typical male power feels by comparison a blunt instrument, its salvos and field strategies laughably remedial next to the damage a woman can do with a single cutting word: "no."

Sex is most powerful in the mind, and to men, in the mind, women have a lot of power, not only to arouse, but to give worth, self-worth, meaning, initiation, sustenance, everything.

- Norah Vincent, writing about her experiences as an undercover man in Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back

Thoughts? How true is this?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Apparently we need more sleep!


Check out this article, entitled (no joke), Women In The U.S. Too Tired For Sex

http://www.news-medical.net/?id=22438

Here's a first for the fab females (I think? Perhaps not?).

The plea for modesty.

You've seen it other places before, you probably heard it for years from your parents, had it forced on you through church and the like, and chances are, if you're reading this, you're probably already pretty damn good at it. But I'm repeating it because...

Its important. Really important. Important enough that if there's ever a little girl that I'm blessed to father, it will be a huge, huge guiding principle instituted by her parents. Its important enough that I'm thinking about it before I've even met a girl to mother said daughter.

I just don't think girls get how important it is.

There's an absolutely excellent article that I've referrenced in a number of different circumstances from the New York Magazine, by Naomi Wolf, called The Porn Myth. From the article:

I will never forget a visit I made to Ilana, an old friend who had become an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. When I saw her again, she had abandoned her jeans and T-shirts for long skirts and a head scarf. I could not get over it. Ilana has waist-length, wild and curly golden-blonde hair. “Can’t I even see your hair?” I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. “No,” she demurred quietly. “Only my husband,” she said with a calm sexual confidence, “ever gets to see my hair.”

When she showed me her little house in a settlement on a hill, and I saw the bedroom, draped in Middle Eastern embroideries, that she shares only with her husband—the kids are not allowed—the sexual intensity in the air was archaic, overwhelming. It was private. It was a feeling of erotic intensity deeper than any I have ever picked up between secular couples in the liberated West. And I thought: Our husbands see naked women all day—in Times Square if not on the Net. Her husband never even sees another woman’s hair.

She must feel, I thought, so hot.

And so we're back to the skirts. It won't be news to the ladies when I tell them that we gents are visually stimuatled. Its how we're wired. Its how we are programmed to react. We're like stupid frickin computers, and as simple as it is to type, its truer than it can possibly sound. We see skin, we initiate the sex protocol. We can (and should) work to re-write our software, as it were, but at the end of the day we're still the same machine.

Gross, I know. You are rightly disgusted. And yet, this is the truth of the matter.

You now have a choice: you can remain angry and perturbed at the way we are, or you can accept the way God chose to make us. No, I'm not saying its God's fault when a guy goes to far in lustful thought, however I do think its true that he created men to be primarily visually stimualted for a reason. That said, I don't pretend that the choice of acceptance is an easy one for girls to make, but most important decisions never are.

Skirts show more leg than jeans. Short skirts show even more leg. That's all I really need to say about it. Should girls be able to wear a modest skirt and not have men lurch into debauched thoughts at the sight of their uncovered calf? Yes. Will that be the case 100% of the time? The Victorians didn't think so. Maybe they had something.

I remember back when Gibson's The Passion of the Christ was about to be released, there was some measure of debate in (at least) reformed circles as to whether such a film was in fact a violation of fairly clear Old Testament law that forbids the visual representation of God in any form. My younger brother made an interesting comment as we talked about whether watching such a movie would in fact be "sinful."

"I won't sin by not watching it," he said.

That's kind of how I like to think of things like modesty, or physical involvement in a relationship, for that matter. Its not a matter of how far you can push the envelope and still "stay safe." Approaching such issues with the wrong motivation will only set you up for failure. We need to change our motives to be more of "how far can we flee temptation?" (or in the case of modesty, "how far can we help others flee temptation?").

Do we men have a calling to bring our thoughts captive before God and maintain pure hearts? Yes. Can women by the simple act of what they choose to wear help men to do that? Yes.

Which is more honorable? I'm not entirely sure.